The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For those of you who have been following... my position is that I have put my daughter and her much older boyfriend in a position of getting married or him going to jail. They chose to get married and I was going to allow this. Since that time there have been unbelievable obstacles thrown out by his parents and everything has been up in the air. I have felt so guilty for doing this to her and at the same time I want to bury her in the backyard because she is so impossible to live with. I'm talking disrespectful and defiant to the point of not being able to have people at my house because she says things to them that normal people can't tolerate and purposefully drives them away, calling me horrible names, finding the most hurtful thing she can say and saying it over and over and over and mentally and sometimes physically abusing her brother and sister to the point that the minute she walks in the door chaos ensues for everyone in the house and once she starts going the other two start bouncing off the walls and I can't function as a parent or a person. I have been doing this for 3 years going through social service agency after social service agency, courts, cps, and on and on. I finally got to the last thread on the rope and it broke. I am alone with no family or friends to rely on where I live, it is only me and them and it's been very hard.
She uses 911 and CPS as weapons and now the middle child has started down that path. The other two have lived in her shadow their entire lives and because of the fact that she creates constant chaos in the house and absorbs every ounce of my energy and attention the other two are suffering. I saw what seemed to be a good solution for everyone. She wants to be free from me. He is in a position that he has limited choices and none of them are very good and I have the opportunity to have her be someone else's responsibility, someone who may be able to get her to do what she needs to be doing and who she wouldn't fight 24/7. The other two will finally have peace and get the attention they deserve and I will be able to live in my home without constant chaos and nastiness. This was my logic.
Of course things were not that easy and did not go as smoothly as in my fairy tale vision. I thought, everything I know about this boy tells me he is kind and decent and will provide her with a good life. His family is wealthy, he has a career path and a good future ahead of him and he is sweet to her and her brother and sister and I believe that he really does love her and will take good care of her. He has a laid back personality and doesn't get angry or hold a grudge. He has the ability to tame the shrew and to give her things that I can never give her like college, etc. So I thought this was a good decision for me, for her, for the other two.
Since I started down this path I have gone back and forth with guilt and fears about how she will see this and how things will turn out. I have finally come to a place where I just have to accept that I have set this snowball into motion and I have no choice but to let it roll and see what comes of it. I am tired of fighting, I have no more time to take from work, my life revolves around her and her chaos and I have no time for the other two and I am just at the point where I am going to give her what she wants and let her have her own experience. I can't keep up the fight anymore and I'm really not sure that wilderness camp or juvenile detention facilities are a better option than an "arranged" marriage. There is no good option here. I hope that she will forgive me someday and maybe be able to understand. I hope that the other two will have the opportunity to live free of the repression that she keeps all of us under and go on to have normal lives and be happy. I have to forgive myself. Everyone who knows us and knows the situation tells me that I am doing the right thing for my family. I keep trying to see it that way. I love that girl but she makes life in our house impossible and I truly hope that somehow this crazy mess works out for all of us.
((((carolinagirl))) What a difficult timeyou've been having. But it sounds as though you're on the right track. ´I have finally come to a place where I just have to accept that I have set this snowball into motion and I have no choice but to let it roll and see what comes of it. ¨ Let go and let God. Which is WAY easier to say than to do. At least for me it is. But I'm learnng. And so are you. Things will get better, one way or the other. Hang in there and take care of your two youger kids. And don't forget to takecare of you!
Carolinagirl, I read your post with trepidation. You are willing to place your girl in harm's way just to get rid of her? It sounds to me like she will not be any better off in the marriage situation. Then, she'll start having babies, and sooner or later she and the kids will be at your door.
I should be telling you to do what your heart dictates, but in this case, I can't. This girl, if tossed away, will be completely and forever lost. Think about what you are doing, then don't.
Many parents have faced what you are suffering through. Discarding the offending child is NOT an answer.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I don't see how the girl can be forced into marriage. US, like UK, is a free country and she can say "No" if that's not what she wants to do. I think CG should let her go but keep the lines of communication open. There are the other two children to consider and they need some time and attention spent on them so they don't go down the same path.
Sending prayers to the whole family that they come through this crisis stronger and in one piece.
(((((CG))))) Ive been following your posts and can see you are deeply distressed by your situation, Im sorry you are going through this.
If the jail threat is because he is in a relationship with a minor (I know that would be the case here in the UK as 16 is the legal age here) your daughter will want to protect him if she feels she loves him so will obviously agree to marriage.
Im concerned about his motive here.....marriage v jail.....hmmmnn
Are there any other options to explore? Is there no social support for you all as a family you can tap into. You all sound as if you need a breathing space.....there must be help there somewhere.
You crave peace for you and your family, I understand that, Ive been at the hard end of a wilful 15yr old daughter.....tough love had to be applied and it was tough for everyone at the time believe me it nearly broke me... but it worked.... shes 35 now and we have a great relationship.
I hope you keep coming back for support, dont be alone
All that you describe is my life - couple of exceptions:
1. Mine is a boy. 2. Only 1 other sibling. 3. I have a husband here, altho he's AH and passive/agressive.
I am so very sorry for where you are and the pain you are going through.
I wanted to share, out of our experience, a couple of things to check to ensure you are well within your parental rights.
In our world, when the Social Services (SRS in KS) got involved, they were originally involved in a supportive role. Essentially, they offered counseling and services - individual, family, treatment, psychiatric, medication, etc.
They got involved as my son told a counselor, early on that my AH was whacking him around (abuse). All investigations/research concluded the charged was unfounded.
As the most 'normal' and 'in-charge' person in our home/family, I was give specific guidelines and rules. Some of these helped me to make hard choices (when to call the police, when to call SRS, when to ....).
I was told IF I DID not follow their guidelines and rules, I could be charged with neglect, and both my children could be in jeopardy.
In our state, if the house is deemed unsafe, for any reason, ALL minors can be protected by the CINC (Child in Need of Care) statute.
So - - - when my Ason threatened to kill my 2nd born, I had no choice but to report him to the authorities. He was taken from our custody, and put into state custody. He was placed in a facility for 90 days, and then returned to us after we all agreed to specific rules and guidelines.
So - - - when my Ason threatened to kill himself, I had no choice but to take him to an acute mental health facility.
My point is two-fold - please be certain, since state agencies have been involved that you still have the parental right to approve a marriage for her. Even though my son was returned to our custody, for 18 months, our rights were considered 'joint/partial'.
Where we had flexibility and full authority for decision making - family. If I could have gotten another blood relative to take him, that was pre-approved. However, and they were very clear and specific on this - we did not have the right to relinquish him to another living arrangment without pre-approval from the SRS folks.
We are 57 days shy of age 18. It's been a living nightmare for a long, long while. There have been times when I wanted so much for him to 'just go away'. I completely understand where you are. My heart breaks for you.
While we can't go back, and the past is the past, my biggest mistake was requesting a return of custody after 3 months when he was in state custody. He was doing very well, his grades were better than ever before, he had structure, he was safe, he had plans, etc. My AH manipulated me through his guilt that our ASon really needed to be back home - with the family.
He returned, and regressed and has NEVER gotten back to that place (yet). Knowing now what I wish I knew when we started our journey, I would only recommend that you make contact with your state, county or local agencies, and be 100% open and honest and see what they have to offer.
I believe, had I let my son direct his course of action (and he had an older gal lover for a bit) he would not be alive today. That may sound morbid and extreme, but his emotionally maturity was about age 8-9. Facing adult situations and adult decisions as a child is difficult at best. Facing these same situations with a low maturity level has to be a recipe for total failure.
As above, please take what helps and leave the rest. May you find peace of heart and clarity of mind to take care of you and all around you. You may PM me if you think I can assist privately.
(((((Hugs)))) to you CG!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
One of my core fantasies as a teenager was to get married. I don't know that any boy who is older than a young girl who is having sex with them is the kind that will make a good marriage. If he were mature wouldn't he be having sex with someone his own age and not putting himself in jepardy.
At the same time I'm not one to say what you can or shouldn't do. Your note reminds me very much of what it was like for me to deal with the ex A at the end, a quagmire of disasters that grew and grew. I do know that whatever I came up with that seemed to be the solution he quickly, very very quickly blew that up too.
I don't know if you have counseling or a person with knowledge of the social services who can help you. I know absolutely what I was really missing when I dealt with the ex A's non stop series of disasters, crises and threats to my entire being was a sane voice to ground me. That voice needed to be grounded, savy and sane and I didn't know how to find that then. I do now and I absolutely hold my boundaries sacred and immutable as a result of that dreadful experience.
I hope you will find the help you need and some peace and salvation. I'm not sure there is a good solution to your issue or one where you won't feel like you "failed'. I know I felt like I had completely failed around the ex a and absolutely poisoned with resentment, exhaustion and fear. when I'm mired in those emotions I can't really make a choice as I'm absolutely fused to the problems.
The state did file charges against the 24 year old who picked my then 15 year old daughter up in the middle of the night to run away. I'm glad they did. She wasn't the first minor he had bedded down with, and she wasn't the last either.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
