The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I am dealing with an active alcoholic I often get caught up with their words rather than their actions. I know I need to evaluate their actions rather than their words which can become a huge hook into resentment, frustration and compulsion.
For example the man who recently came to work in my department who I believe to be an alcoholic has some great words and intentions, his actions are otherwise.
Example:
Words: He ways he will take public transit to save money (buys a monthly pass). Actions: After one week he reverted to using his truck. Every day he says he will take the train tomorrow and so far he has not managed to.
Words: Every day he talks about how he is saving money by bringing lunch. Actions: To date he has not managed to bring lunch and always has a reason.
Words: Regularly he talks about getting a second job and saving money. Actions: Every night and all weekend he is in a neighborhood bar (he mentions every day people he has met in the bar).
Please keep in mind this is a person who I have no attachment to so it is much much much easier for me to be detached about his words and actions.
I know with my neighbors I can become hopelessly hooked into their words, chaos and projections. Their actions are generally something else since like the guy I work with most of their time is taken up with substances.
When I was with the ex A I lived, ate and breathed resentment about how his actions did not meet his words. I remonstrated daily, by the hour that he was not doing what he claimed. I was so reactive there was no ability to reflect on his actions at all except of course to rage, rage and then rage some more.
My family of origin has the same issues. My younger sister has some great great words and her actions are governed by drinking a couple of bottles of wine a night. At the same time, like many many other alcoholics she is vociferous in her criticism of me and my life as well as my actions.
Just putting down the actions versus words is very very reassuring for me and takes me right out of the craziness of resenting any of the alcoholics and addicts I currently have to deal with.
Of course I really would like not to have to deal with them but I also know that there isn't probably a likelihood of that unless I go live in a cave sometime soon.
Of course I really would like not to have to deal with them but I also know that there isn't probably a likelihood of that unless I go live in a cave sometime soon. LOL
You can decorate a cave just the way you want it Maresie. I relate to your post. I have been there and done that and just was blessed to learn how to leave the room and close the door behind me and let them all go. It's sooo good being free of that "other focus" thingy I use to do and as a consequence?...no anger or rage of putting me on hold because "they" were where "they" were at.
Caves are good at times...just make sure you shooo out those scary critters.
When I was going to school our school motto was "Actions not Words". Somehow because of this I did try to match my words to my actions and thought everyone else did as well.
Enter alcoholism and the chaos and confusion and mind games that unfold and I could not see that my actions did not match my words just as his did not match his words. This disease is cunning baffling and powerful.
You are right Focus on the actions and make that the reality and then build from there.
The Alanon slogan:" Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say but Do Not Say It Mean" was one I had to practice often before I could achieve success but it was worth it.
This is very thought-provoking. I spent so long hanging on my ex's words and not looking at his actions. It was even more confusing because I think he even believed his words most of the time too: "I can stop drinking, it's not a problem," "You're just making trouble, there's nothing really wrong," "I'm doing everything I can to keep this relationship strong, nothing is more important to me." And then I would threaten him with my words but my actions said, "I'll stick around and believe anything you say." The idea of "Mean what you say, say what you mean (and don't say it mean)" was a real revelation for me. I realize I grew up with actions not matching words, and I never tried to straighten that out in my life till recently. What a great helpful topic.
I also was raised to do your best to align your words with your actions. So - I get wrapped in in the spoken word/promises, and then watch/wait for the action.
When/if it does not come, I am often hurt and resentful. Of course, I also have the extended issue and tapes in my mind that say, "Your words mean little, and you have a hidden agenda and ....."
I can so relate and am perplexed on the best way to change the tapes in my brain.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
