The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know if I have shared on here before about this - but I suffer from my own self-destructive behaviors that are not substance related, but act to numb and control feelings the same way that drugs and alcohol do.
I have been in deep denial about having a problem - believing I wasn't "sick" enough to warrant help. I have tried so VERY, VERY hard to work at my issues that are underneath my behaviors without actually changing or addressing the behavior. I suppose it's like the A going to therapy and trying to work on retraining their thoughts and gaining self worth and self esteem, but not ceasing the drinking.
When my A broke up with me, I saw that I was on a slippery slope and if I began to engage in my behaviors, I was just as likely to lose my life as he was. I finally realized that if I want to be free, I need to be honest and I need to address this problem. I can't even EXPLAIN in words how good it felt to come out of the denial. I am still struggling EVERY DAY to believe that I have a problem that I need help for but, I have made some positive steps towards obtaining help - starting a program in two weeks FOR ME, so that I can regain control of my life and learn to LIVE and not merely exist. In all areas of my life I practice lack of self care- physically and emotionally and I am finding that I cannot address one without addressing the other. I can't expect to emotionally heal if I am not physically taking care of myself.
Some days I don't believe my problems are as big as his and I allow his to eclipse mine and dive into being crazy about holding onto our relationship and making sure I validate myself through him. The truth is, I am not sure who I am without my behaviors and coping mechanisms, my low self worth and horrible opinion of myself AND my relationship. THe truth is, I've had these problems for years before meeting my A. Last night in therapy I discussed about how comfortable my self pity is. My therapist had me keep a "self pity" journal. I went back and read over it and felt silly for some of the things. My words were so extreme --- "I'll never get better." "I'll never love myself" - alot of EVERs and NEVERs and ALWAYS. Very black and white-esque. I am acknowledging that my self pity and my self hate had served a function of protecting me from rejection from others and it's also been so comfortable and EASY to continue to feed. The opposite is insanely hard. Learning to change those thoughts and change those behaviors to ones of self love and respect.
I am grateful for a program that gives me hope. I still feel that obsessive thought about NEEDING him to validate me, to love me, in order to make me worthy. I KNOW it's not real, but it FEELS that way. I hope I can learn to FEEL these things if I keep at it.
Thanks so much for BEING here and letting me share so honestly.
I, too, suffer from self-destructive behaviors that are not substance related. I compare it to an addiction, however, because I think I use the behaviors in the same way an addict uses theirs. I've really done a lot of bad stuff to myself because I hated myself so badly. I'm currently addressing these issues after many years. It feels really good, and I'm really trying to get better for the first time.
Good for you for looking at things and seeing them the way they are. Just admitting the problem gives the problem less power. Seems like you're doing a good job taking care of yourself - that's inspiring! :) Remember that you're just as deserving of love and acceptance as the people you love and accept.
I don't know what you're struggling with, but please PM me if you ever want to talk.
Thanks RC...Honesty sure takes the fuzz out of the picture. That's some great stuff you're doing for yourself and you're on the right path. For me only one of the things that resulted from this kinds of honest work was freedom from fear.
Thanks sooo much for sharing your recovery. (((((hugs)))))
It reminds me of something I said to my therapist about my own struggles with depression/grief. "It's easier for me to feel sad. I'm very good at being sad. It's being happy that's hard." I totally understand how bad it is when the negative place we're in becomes more comfortable than the scary place of healing. Once you start to move into that healing place, though, you wonder how you lived so long in the dark place.
Anyway, I feel you. Thanks and prayers for you. :)
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"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish."
~ J. R. R. Tolkien
