The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The time has come for me to communicate with you about some behavior that I find unacceptable and define the consequences of this behavior should you continue to perpetuate it.
It is unacceptable for you to share intimate details of my past behavior with our 19 year old son, even if it's under the guise of "telling him the truth" about me. Kids, no matter how old they are, don't need this level of detail, especially when it has zero relevance to the present. This is clearly an attempt to manipulate him. I think he sees it, which will explain why he's putting more distance between him and you.
It is unacceptable for you to tell our 9 year old son to tell me "thank you for cooking a healthy meal". This implies to him that I am not taking care of him properly and undermines his confidence in me as a parent.
It is unacceptable for you to tell our 9 year old son that you want to hear him tell me to "shut up and get me to bed", even if you are only "joking". I saw his face and heard you on the phone telling him this multiple times and he was clearly uncomfortable and unhappy with this request. This puts him in the position of either back talking / smart mouthing me or not complying with your request. It puts him in the middle, which is what we are absolutely not supposed to do. This could be considered as speaking about me in a disparaging manner, which is specifically prohibited in the standing orders that are in effect during our divorce proceedings. Never mind that you are keeping him up past his bed time by being on the phone with him.
It is unacceptable for you to ring all of our phones off the hook if you don't get an immediate answer. If we don't answer immediately, it's because we have something else going on and can't take your call. If you leave a message, we are more likely to call you back.
While I can't really define consequences for any conversations you have with our grown children, I can take action where our 9 year old is concerned.
I can start monitoring his calls with you - which is something I have tried not to do - I do my absolute best to afford him the courtesy of having a private conversation with you, but if you cannot keep your end of it at an appropriate, healthy level, then I have to protect our son.
I can notify the court of your behavior and we can have even more unpleasantness as we work through our divorce.
I can reduce the amount of flexibility I am currently providing with regard to visitation. I don't want to use our son as a weapon against you, but I have to keep his best interests at heart. And if you are making the choice to call him on the phone while you are actively drinking, then what's to prevent you from disregarding the terms of the visitation in our temporary orders when he is with you?
This whole situation makes me very sad. I feel hurt for what our kids have been through and are still going through. I feel hurt for myself for what I have been through and for my part in it. Believe it or not, I feel hurt for you as well, when I'm not feeling angry with you for your selfish behavior.
I hope I can find the courage to discuss this or communicate it with you soon, as the emotional health of our young son is at stake.
All I can say is that when I remonstrated with the ex A I didn't get anywhere. One thing I did when he was ringing the phones off the hook was to switch off the phone and not answer it. After a certain amount of time he stopped that behavior.
Personally I had to let go of what the ex A said about me to anyone. I know that caused me a great deal of upset. I also know that being an active addict and alcoholic he wanted desperately to put the pressure on that I was the problem.
I do know that there are lots of groups of women who deal with custody issues. I am certain you can get feedback from them about what is a good way to set limits with someone who has poor verbal boundaries with a teenager. Personally I've found that setting boundaries was not about words but about actions. I absolutely cannot control what someone, particularly an alcoholic thinks or says about me. I can absolutely control how it affects me. I absolutely no longer expect any alcoholic to behave well. In fact I expect them to tantrum, manipulate, try to control and be devious. I no longer take that kind of action personally at all. At the same time I don't invest any energy into trying to remonstrate with them but I do invest energy into demonstrating that I'm not going to get entangled One of them is to limit the amount I know, the amount I over react and the interactions I have with anyone who is out there in terms of their addiction. Trying to control an alcoholics words is one thing, deeds another. I can't control their words in terms of speaking to others but I do absolutely limit and cut down the amount I allow them to pervade in my life. And of course, I absolutely put a great deal of limits on their deeds and one way is to really really work hard on how I interact with them, what I say and when I say it, clarity for me is consequences. I have to really really say what I mean rather than not mean what I say. I also have to have incredibly low expectations that they will be (a) reasonable (b) perceptive and (c) self aware. Anyone in active addiction is in the throes of a great deal of deception, denial and projection. They blame, cajole and irritate. That's their way of not dealing with their addiction.
I also know personally the more I tried to monitor the ex A's words, thoughts and interactions with others the worse it was for me. The more I was invested in what kind of mess, chaos, craziness he did the less time I had to take care of me. The more I was aware of his out of the control behavior the more aggrieved, resentful and upset I became. I'm no longer willing to live my life seeped in resentment and daily I often have to look at how important is this and how much time do I want to give to people who are not willing to change on even the most minor level.
I do know also that I've had to spend a lot of time really venting how I felt about the ex A. I know venting helps to put it in perspective. I also think that educating others about alcoholism, dysfunctionality and projection helps a great deal to put things in perspective. Your child may well benefit from alateen as well as appropriate information on how alcoholics react as well as to interact in groups of teenagers who have alcoholic parents.
