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Hi, I am pretty new at dealing with my feelings about my Abf. So, I need some advice. He has been texting/calling this girl, who he says is just a friend. Well, I am pretty uncomfortable about this & we spoke about it when he was sober & I told him how uncomfortable I am with it & he agreed to delete her phone number & not speak/text her anymore. Well, the other night he was drinking & he told me that he spoke to her once..he doesn't remember what they talked about. Well, I looked @ his phone records (I know, dumb...because the only person who gets hurt is me) and he has been talking to her pretty frequently the past few days. What I need advice about is...Do I confront him? I know it is wrong for me to go through his phone records, I feel terrible I even did it, but I don't believe him when he is drinking. Do I call her and find out what they are talking about? I am so confused about all this! I honestly don't think that he talks to her when he is not drinking, but am I suppose to just deal with it when he is?
Hmm... a tough one, to be sure.... First off, try not to be too hard on yourself about checking up on him - we tend to all do that, in some way or the other.... it is part of our unhealthiness, and is more an indication of where your relationship is at, that you feel insecure enough about things that you feel the need to do so....
As for the other stuff - I'm reminded of the old Dragnet series, and the immortal words of Sergeant Joe Friday - "Just the facts ma'am"....
When you & your A came to the understanding/agreement that he wouldn't contact her anymore - were there any consequences discussed, if he failed to abide by this? He's obviously not abiding by it, so am really not sure that "confronting" him about it would do you anything but grief - it's kind of like "catching an alcoholic drinking", lol
Sounds to me like your boundary has definitely been crossed.... now your tough decision is what are the consequences? If your answer is "none", then it really wasn't ever a boundary, it was more of a hope or a wish.... If it IS a boundary that you need, and consequences weren't previously set, then you have one more choice - either clearly set the consequences for future failures, or accept things as they are - he's still in contact with her, and apparently that isn't going to stop anytime soon.
I wish the answers were easier, but if you are able to look at this situation objectively - as in, put your best friend in your shoes, and have the same situation in front of her - what would you hope she do? - might help....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Aloha Hawk...Pull out the hook as best as you can cause this is a "hook". For me I had to learn how to act as if what I knew was the truth and then do the next best thing for me. I stopped trying to be the better more righteous person with the alcoholic...the one that wouldn't be caught making a mistake. I knew the truth which was to understand that she lied and was sneaky before during and at the end...she was this and I needed to get out of harms way. The program taught me how to take myself out of harms way and not stand there thinking I was impervious or so worthy that the alcoholic would do just anything in the world to keep me in her life. LOL In Disneyland I'll bet that would be a most often visited display. (((((hugs)))))
Jerry's words are so wise. I think now you know something more about your boyfriend. He lies. You suspected something wasn't right before, and now you have more evidence that it's not right. You know that when you talk to him about it, he tells you what he wants to hear. And then he goes his way again. Since no one can change someone else, the question is: how can you protect yourself from getting hurt?
In my case, when something similar happened, I found that I had three choices:
1) scream and yell about his behavior, and make myself look like the "problem" (then he could blame me for my out-of-control behavior, and it distracted both of us from his own behavior) 2) tell him I wouldn't put up with it, but then stay in the relationship anyway demanding that he change, but not doing anything when he didn't, just being resentful and angry 3) take care of myself and move on
First I did 1, then 2, then finally 3. I wish I had skipped the first two.
Hawk, I know exactly what you are going through and I mean EXACTLY. My Abf has broken my trust on more than one occassion not so much that he talks to women but the WAY he talks to them. He claims that he just makes friends easier with women. He grew up w/out a dad, was surrounded by women...whatever, i get that since I do tend to make friends easier with men. My problem is when he allows them to call him "hey sexy" or they send him pictures of a compromising nature, or complain about their relationships (most are married) and his excuse always is "well they are married, I'd never be with them" or "I can't help what they send me, or how they talk to me" My Abf is a dry drunk and in my mind instead of picking up the bottle he picks up these needy, attention greedy women. They stroke his need and he strokes theirs. I too have stooped to the level of looking at records and even looking in his phone to see what is being said. I've been the fool to confront him and he always has a perfectly good excuse. Being an A he is a master of manipulation. this last go around he claims the woman was an old friend from AA he ran into and of course "she's married" and the flirtiness is "how she is". I finally set a boundary and told him that he if wants to continue to allow the inappropriateness to go on that's fine but then he can't have me in his life. and I'm fully prepared to leave. I trust that my HP will lead me to the truth if he crosses this boundary WITHOUT me checking his records or phone. do yourself a favor and quit doing that, take it from me it just makes the pain worse. I probably wouldn't tell him you checked up on him, I would try to work it into conversation when he's sober that it will really hurt you if he does that again and if you find out you will do what is necessary to make life OK for YOU. My Abf has hooked my back so many times that he probably thinks Ill never leave but I got a seperate cell phone from our plan and got pre-approved for my own apartment. Like I said, I'm fully prepared to leave if my boundary is crossed.
Take care of you sweetie. You are worth it.
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
A thought crossed my mind. If he does not call her when he is not drinking,----- I wonder if she calls him--- when he is not drinking? It does sounds like the blame game to me. Blame it on the alcohol because---- "you know I would never do any such thing if I were sober"------except lie to cover my "left" rear end.
I accept that alcohol can make people do things they would not do when they are sober. I live with that on a daily basic. You accept that he has been lying, it could be possible that you are dealing with a character flaw that goes deeper.
A similar situation happened to me years ago (In my first life). I did not want to believe what I "thought" to be true. I was what I call----"In the bubble"----- I could not think or see clearly from inside the bubble-----So I confided to my best friend about the situation explaining every detail to him. After he listened to my every word for 15 minutes he told me-------"You don't have to worry about has she or hasn't she, if it is true, it will happen again,--- because people don't usually change". Those were wonderful words for me to hear. I put my detective badge away, and decided what I would do if it did happen. It did. Some things I can live with, and some things I can't. This situation fell into the "I can't" catagory, or maybe the one strike and you are out catagory.
Chances are great that you will face this situation again. What will make it easier for you is to know, if it happens, exactly what you are going to do. Only you can decide what is best for you----- and your serenity.
