The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm having the hardest time of my life right now. I feel like I'm lost, desperate, hopeless and there is no good solution to my problems. The situation with my oldest daughter is horriffic, there is no win here, I have set events into motion that I can't reverse and I can't live with her and can't live without her. This is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever had to endure and it seems there is no end in sight. I fear for the other two. Everyone who knows us says I am doing the right thing, that I can't control her and time is of the essence for getting something done with her in order to finally be able to focus on the other two. I feel like a failure as a mother, a failure as a human and nothing I do is right. I feel sick, I can't sleep, this is consuming my every thought, I can't function.
I am so sorry for the pain you are going thru...our kids can literally drive us insane I know this from experience.
Sometimes we just have to let go and let god because things are just not in our control.
I am praying for you and your family and please try and remember where there is life there is hope...please pick yourself up your children need their mom....
First and foremost doing what is best for your daughter, and your other two children does NOT make you a failure as a mother.....it makes you a good mom! If you don't help your daughter get on a better path-WHO will???? It's up to you and I know first and foremost that being a single mom is gut wrenching at times and the decisions are hard a lot of the time.
We are not supposed to give advice here, but if it were me and I was going through such a hard time first I would call my sponsor (if you have one) and then I would do my best to focus only on the next 10 mins or the next hour, an hour at a time if you have too but a day at a time.
You are doing the best you can with what you have and that does NOT make you a bad mom in anyway shape or form. It makes you human.
I read somewhere once that once we have kids we spend the rest of our lives walking around with our hearts on the outside of our bodies (we become THAT vulnerable)........how very true......Keep the faith CG!!!! I'll keep ya and yours in my prayers...
love and peace shelly shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
((((CG)))) - I too am so sorry for your pain. I can relate oh so much and have all of you in my thoughts and prayers. For me, when I was in the deepest despair and 2nd, 3rd and 4th guessing every step I took, I truly found the power of group think. When I am stressed, worried, lacking sleep, etc. I seem to (unintentionally) close my mind to my HP.
The great news for me is that my HP then spoke through others - who worked hard to be the support I needed to make and follow through with those tough decisions.
My heart goes out to you, your daughter and your other children. I don't know where you are, or what structure exists, but I was so lost, I reached out to 3 different pastors/priests (church leaders) - 3 different denominations, formal counselors, my Insurance Professionals, Alanon, NA, AA, Take Charge Parenting and family/friends, county and state resources and more.
Keep coming back and know you are loved and not alone.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
We have all been there when it comes to the Heart break we recieve from our children from time to time, and yes its up to us to Raise them and Nurture them and Love them, I have know doubt that you Love your Children, and in saying that, That already makes you a Great Mom...
Were I live, I can tell ya, I look around at the kids in my neighborhood and it scares the crap out of me, So Many Parents just "DONT" do anything for thier kids, and could care what really happens to them as long as they keep recieving their "Checks" in the mail to lay on their butts... "Speaking Only of MY Surroundings"... You are not that person...
You have proven you work Very Hard to care & love your children... And We are Only Human, we do the best we Can with the "Skills" we have, and for me, growing up in the envorement that I did, I did not have a Mom that was "ABLE" to be what I needed, Or did she know how... But she Never Gave up on me, and did the best she could... I was a Terrible Teen, Drank, Party'd, Fights, Many BF's (All Addicts) and the list goes on...
In my Mind... I haven't turned out so bad... Yes it took me close to 25 years to SEE what I was doing to myself, and the ones I love, (I was A Child...As is you Daughter Really)... But I did Turn it around... I don't know your story completely, but Keep Faith in yourself, & your Daughter... Even if you don't see it now... It will come..
You are doing a Great Job, and the fact that it bothers you so, says you are aware that things need to be differant in order to be better... I will keep you and your kids in you Prayers, and hope that in you Coming Back, You can regain some form of your Serenity real soon...
This Too Shall Pass... One Moment at A Time is all we have... This Moment... Do the best ya can in it, and hand the rest over to HP...
The Things that hurt us the most, only make us stronger and honey... You are one tough Chic... So Keep your Head up, and KEEP COMING BACK...
My teenage years were some of the most difficult in my life. I know it has taken me a long long time to get the courage to look at them.
On some level while they were very very difficult and I had the most horrendous time with my family of origin, all that turmoil, difficulty and craziness was one way to survive.
Your daughter is still very much alive, she may be in incredible difficulty but the fact is she isn't dead, in prison or pregnant as of yet. I understand your grief, fear and trepidation. At the same time like many of us she can survive this and move on. I'm not saying that any of it will be easy, straightforward or peaceful. I do believe there is always hope and that strength, determination and support can go a long long way.
Have not been in your situation but I really do feel your pain. It is my AH who breaks my heart. I cannot imagine what I would do if it was one of my children. That must be so hard to bear - but, take stock - you really are doing well. You have had the strength to distance yourself and protect your other two children. You are an amazing person - keep telling yourself that. You are among friends here but take comfort from real life friends, too. Praying you will see some light soon.
I'll never forget everything my youngest daughter and I went through after she turned 15. There were red flags popping up all over. She was out of control. Every resource I turned to failed me. Finally she took off in the middle of the night with a 24 year old and her A sister.
She was in state custody and out of my home for 17 months. Now we both can see where good things did come out of that whole mess, but it seemed like the worst thing possible at the time. The first two weeks she was gone, all I could do was cry.
Thank God for a loving fellowship, people who held me up when I felt I couldn't take it anymore. Thank God for a wise sponsor who told me it was the time to dig my teeth into the program like I had never done before.
Meetings, step work, one-on-ones with my sponsor were all an integral part of that horrible emotional time. Even though it had been over 15 years since I had left the EXAH, I found the insanity of the disease creeping in again, and my solution was the program.
Today that daughter is almost 22, is now out on her own, and we have a good relationship. I do not believe that would have been possible without the program and recovery in my life.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I am deeply sorry that you are in such pain. I know of the agony of a loved one and their behavior. I do not have children, so I cannot relate on the level that some can but I have heard from my friends who have experienced similiar pain that it is an entirely different ache.
Some days it is so hard to show up for life on life's terms, but sometimes I have to do it a minute at a time. You're not alone. Keep coming back!!
