The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Every day I learn more and more what step one is, and for the first time I feel more at peace about it. The biggest struggle for me is taking that with me wherever I go. I am so good at "covering up" everything, that even when I'm somewhere I can get help, I still wear that "everything is fine" hat. When I know someone really cares about how I'm doing its actually harder to talk to them about things. From experience, out of program I just get laughed at or stabbed in the back (and front) and its pretty painful for me to talk about my life. When I was going to meetings I'd sniffle and cry and get angry, but to actually talk about whats going on... such a foreign concept to me..
The question how are you drives me nuts.. in my family of orgin I'm *actually* the scapegoat/lost child but I act like the hero.. because its so painful to be so invisible and so "useless", so its a battle in my head and heart when someone asks me how I am. I want to say sucky but it always comes out "fine.."
I'm a grown child who has absolutely NO clue what to do with life and everywhere I go I still feel invisible and like i have no right to ask questions or ask for help.. and at the same time i feel so pathetic for my life (even though its not 100% all my fault, i still take *ALL* the blame. After all I DID raise myself). I carry a lot of shame and guilt for being so "broken" and so unhappy.. I have everything and nothing.. and I don't know what I'm seeing when I look in the mirror.
In your experiences in life when did you finally reach that point of step one where you brought it everywhere you go? started being honest about how this disease has affected your life..? I have a bad feeling its going to take a lot more pain.. :/
idontknow - first, ((((hugs)))) to you. I am so very new to Alanon and the 12 steps of this side (in AA for a while), but hate to see a post without a response.
For me, since I tend to overthink, overanalyze and overprocess everything, I must keep it simple. When I first engaged with the 12 Steps, many told me that the first step is just an admission and ownership of powerlessness.
We admitted we were powerless over alcoholthat our lives had become unmanageable.
As far as everywhere I go and bringing Step 1 - I don't think I understand fully. What I do know is that small steps, focusing on me, is helping me value me. What I also know is that F2F meetings, MIP's members and the literature I'm studying is helping me see that I am a good person and I've got a long road to go, but there is hope for happiness and serenity - in spite of my disease.
I hope this helps in some small way - my hope is others with more ESH will be along and share more than I can/know.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha IDK...You are on your way to recovery YAY!! Very honest and open share and so very courageous too. This family will love you till you learn to love yourself and will stand with you with all of our tools and experiencs, strength and hope...you can have it all for free cause that is how we got it. I identify with your self description because we come from the same mold; up to the point of change. You don't have to be stuck in that mold much longer because the Al-Anon and ACOA program can help you change majestically. These are program of miracles and you are qualified for one or more.
I will be in support along with the others and if you are willing to follow simple suggestions (you get to listen and look at them before any decisions on your part) from our experiences changes will come for you also.
Where is your trust level? That is part of what it takes here and in the program... trusting others will love you unconditionally and help you even when you don't do that for yourself well enough now.
I sense that you have learned some stuff about those affected by the disease especially from the "child of" angle. Excellent..that makes you a searcher and a willing person and that is a big first tool. If you have not attended any ACOA or Al-Anon Family Group face to face meetings let me suggest you look up the hotline phone numbers in the white pages of your phone book and call for times and directions and then take yourself by the hand and go to a meeting where you can sit down, listen, learn get the literature and find others who have worn your shoes. Sniveling and crying or expressing anger or other feelings is okay and optional. Trying to stay invisible is also a choice. You can choose to do those things for now until you learn to choose to do something different. What you are going thru is temporary. I didn't believe that when I first got into the Family Groups but they were right...its temporary and I can and will come to learn how to change.
You can to and I'm in support of it like the rest of the lovers who come here to give comfort and hope. So lean on the program and MIP as you need to until you find yourself standing upright by yourself with a smile on your face.
For some reason when i read step one again i read it as "we admitted we were powerless over alcoholics and our lives became unmanageable". For me alcohol isn't a problem in my day to day life, it was, when i was a teenager, many years ago. Anyhoo I'm definitely powerless over the way its affected my life. I miss my father, he left many many years ago, never said goodbye and doesn't talk to me. I'd much rather be with him than my mother.. lot of guilt piled on me for feeling that way.. according to everyone else on the planet my mother is a reincarnation of mother theresa.
Honestly my trust level is pretty low these days. After years of spilling my guts and hearing such horribly negative feedback ive been shutting up lately. I go to online acoa meetings and they help hugely.
I get absolutely no support at all from my family.. I know i need my own family but im sick of fighting people because they're not listening to what it is im REALLY saying. Its all advice shoved down my throat and guilt trips..
I KNOW im not responsible for her.. but i sure don't live like it. I'd sum up my problem as physically--not being a true "adult" with work and taking care of myself financially. I have many bills in default and emotionally being strong enough to be myself and not let people push me around. i attract people with the same personality as my mother. "my way or shut up and leave me alone". Frustrating caring about people and they turn around and bite my head off for the smallest things.
Thanks for the feedback.. grateful for that BIG first step that ive kept tripping on for years.. I've known for a long time i'm powerless but i haven't had the hope and faith things could get better. the whole g-d thing is an issue. Thanks for listening with your heart :)
I was allowed to take the God thing in little bites and I could not have guessed how it has evolved up to today...never could have guessed. The important thing was to take that very first step in a journey of a thousand miles. Your poor mom getting hung with that example...LOL Mother Theresa...mother to thousands no natural children of her own and now a Saint and then the opposite for a Dad. My Dad (real) left when I was six...died to do that and then my Mom married another alcoholic and devoted all of her time and energy into turning him into something she wanted which at times was my first father but then...at other times something else and what we got was what she chose but not a father to her children or an acceptable husband. Glad I got to make an amends with him while at the same time learning that in reality He and I and my Mom had the same Father (personal lesson from my HP...use it if you like)as did the rest of my family and everyone else I was aware of. That was a huge recovery problem solver for me and the gratitude is ongoing.
Take small bites and if they don't seem tasty use some condiment to go with it for now; sugar...ketchup...soy sauce whatever but take the bite and chew chew chew.
