The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been feeling a little "unsafe" lately - allowing, my ex-bf to emotionally get close to me. Discussing the need not to be together - understanding the need to work on ourselves, but also struggling to let go of expectations.
I offered to help him get some sidework through my company. It would save us money, help him and would be less of a headache - it would seem. I forwarded an email from my boss inquiring on specific parts of the project. He did not believe I gave enough of an overview and snapped at me - telling me that maybe THIS is why my boss always yells at me, because I don't listen.
This stung. I didn't realize the deapth of it all until later when I couldn't let it go. It REALLY hurt to have him say that to me. He use to support me and believe in me and now here he was, confirming my worst fears about ME and my work ethic.
My boss and my job and even the company are all operating out of dysfunction. I am expected to know things I am never told - that are not REASONABLE for me to know given my limited experience or past. When I DO ask, I am castigated for my limited knowledge. There is alot of mind reading expected to go on, and my scope of responsibility is constantly changing, tested or challenged. THere are a TON of mixed messages and it seems I am darned if I do, darned if I don't.
I compare this to variable schedules of reinforcement in operant conditioning with rats. If a rat pushes a lever and receives food, it reinforces that behavior. But if it pushes the lever and is shocked, it reinforces that behavior as well and since the rat is never quite sure WHAT it will be met with, it becomes deeply distressed and exhibits confusion and anxiety.
Same with me - I never know what to expect. One day the decision I make is genius - the next it "doesn't make sense". Then it seems to reinforce my already faulty feelings of competence.
And even though he apologized and said it was out of line - I just can't let it go - that feeling that he said that to me and that it really hurt and was powerful reinforcement.
I am sooooo GRATEFUL to be able to share here.
-- Edited by RunnerChick on Tuesday 26th of January 2010 12:54:05 PM
I relate! My sponsor often reminds me that I was not created to read minds. Therefore it is an unrealistic expectation that my boss has of me sometimes. And since I can't read minds.... I can only do the next right thing in front of me at any given time. The program always points me in the right direction. When I drive to work, I pray that I can stay detached from the insanity. And I remember that I work for a Bigger Boss!!
Have you thought of this.... perhaps he apologized because his outburst really had nothing to do with you. His anger was probably misdirected. If he told you it was out of line... he was right. Believe it. Don't take it personally. (((hugs)))
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Hi... just from what you have posted here, it sounds like a classic case of your A, knowing full well of these fears/insecurities, is "pushing your buttons"......
My wise old sponsor used to make me change my words on this one - I used to say that my ex-AW knew how to "push my buttons", and he would remind me that "No Tom, you allow her to push your buttons"..... It took me a long time to learn how to both accept that, and to claw it back....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I relate runner girl! I love reading your posts. I find it so hard to be best friends with my ex A bf. I don't know if it would be better for me to date someone else first or for me to. I do find it easier to react than act!
I so relate...so so much. It often seems that my A- well the father of my child who is an A knows me so well and my insecurites so well that he, too, will reinforce these to me when he himself is feeling insecure- which sounds just like what happened here. Just my thoughts. :)
A wise person, a long, long time ago told me that when I hear something that rubs me the wrong way - anger, hurt, etc. - I need to stop and consider the source.
I am so sorry for your hurt...if it helps at all, I often in my daily affirmations and mantra remind myself that I am a worthy person - worthy of God's grace and love. If I hurt today, it is for my growth and gain.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I think this behavior is very common, both with alcoholics and Alanons. I did this to my AH yesterday, in fact. I wasn't feeling good about myself and I made a not-so-nice comment about something my AH is insecure about. It wasn't a true comment, and when I examine my motive for saying it, the honest reason was just because I felt so bad and was having such a pity party, not because I believed what I was saying.
I'm grateful to read this post, honestly. I've had comments made to me that I replayed in my head over and over, and each time i played the tape I hurt all over again. I don't want to do that. But I need to work harder on not doing it to other people just because I'm not happy with myself.
I agree with Tom. I use to let people push my buttons. I could never figure out why I was so miserable. I use to blame them and only them. I couldn't see my role in it. After a particulary bad day I was meeting with my sponsor and she started to laugh at me. I was not happy about this. I had been complaing about how I always seemed to get dragged into fights between my sister and her husband and couldn't they see that they were pushing each other's buttons, My sponsor just kept laughing at me. I was getting really angry. Couldn't she see I was in pain? I was getting ready to walk out and look for a new sponsor. She let me go on and on. I was telling her what I thought of her and how she was a lousy sponsor. She kept right on smiling and laughing. Finally after what seemed like an eternity she said to me: "Karilynn don't you see what's happening?" I said "No". She said that I was letting her push my buttons and because I was getting more and more angry and frustrated I let it continue. She made it clear that I had the power NOT to let it continue. I could have stood up for my right to be respected and treated fairly. I had the right to tell my sister and her husband that I wanted no part of their marriage. That's when the lightbulb when off.
She also said that when people push each other's buttons it can be turned into something positive. Take advantage of it. Ask the questions that need to be asked. Stand up for yourself. Don't accept negative behavior or disrespectful behavior. You can do this without being mean. It really can be a positive and empowering experience. I gave her a great big hug and thanked her. Now that was a great sponsor. I've taken that lesson with me from that moment on. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn on Wednesday 27th of January 2010 09:45:01 AM
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
She kept right on smiling and laughing. Finally after what seemed like an eternity she said to me: "Karilynn don't you see what's happening?" I said "No". She said that I was letting her push my buttons and because I was getting more and more angry and frustrated I let it continue. She made it clear that I had the power NOT to let it continue. I could have stood up for my right to be respected and treated fairly. I had the right to tell my sister and her husband that I wanted no part of their marriage. That's when the lightbulb when off. 
