I never know if it's a good thing or not, but I'm one to share, openly, often and for purpose - to get it out.

I am so grateful to have a place to share, and know that I won't be judged, my family won't be judged and I can 'dump' and work on healing.

I've made stopping hear to get ESH my 2nd task of each day recently - the first being prayer and a request for a sober day.

I always read and gain extreme strength - enough to share that which is so very hard and painful.

So - yesterday - was not feeling physically well.  Posted about it, as I am (thank GOD) a healthy active person.  I have no clue what's normal and what's not.

I was relaxing, with exception to answering questions for the HVAC person (he's in the program too) and trying to take it easy.  Just reading, journaling and thinking.

Noon - my son's alarm clock goes off.  He's not home - and it's not music, but rather the incessant beep/buzz of an alarm.  I do NOT want to go up there.  I am working hard on detaching from him, his room (place of use), his habits (hygiene, order, etc.) and just do not want to go up.

Well - I can't stand 'noise' - with ADD, I struggle to focus at times without distractions - this is more than I can take....so up the stairs I go.

I can't figure out how to turn the alarm off, so I reach to the wall to unplug the darn thing.  I pull the plug and the noise stops.  Yay!  (grateful I made it into the room, and focused on my intended task) 

I turn to leave, and the closet light is on.  My heart starts pounding and I feel my brain start to race.  I sit on the bed and just stair at the door of the closet.  I'm frozen.

You see, the light has been left on a few days in a row.  For me, that's not a good sign, as his clothing is in drawers and his closet has been pretty much emptied by me in the past based on search and seizures. 

I gain the strength to go to the switch - of course, it's on the inside.  I peer in, reach for the switch and I see it.  I see them.  It's the Needle and the Spoon.  And - I am so stuck - so immediately full of fear, anger, shame, hopelessness and guilt.

The furnace man has left; my AH is on the way home, and it's just me and Layla (dog) and I am frozen, so stuck in this horrible, horrible place.  I begin to cry and then I begin to hyperventilate.  Then - I throw up....in his room.

I had to get out and quickly.  So - I grab the Needle & the Soon.  Of course, there is some pot and some papers - which seem so minor in comparison.  I return to the main floor of my home and put them on the counter.

I just sit and stare.  I just don't know what to do.  I am absolutely panicked.  However, due to you folks and F2F meetings, this is where it's a bit different for me than in the past.

I begin praying.  For me, my sanity, my son, my emotions, God's will, what to do, a sign - I just close my eyes and pray ... turning it all over as best I can.  I don't cry, I don't sigh - I just pray.

My husband arrives home.  In the past, I would have called and dumped.  I did not.  He usually takes a few moments to collect his suitcase, papers, etc. when he's been out of town.  I often, in the past, have run down and dumped.  I did not.

He comes up the stairs, and I just motion to The Needle & The Spoon.  I calmly state I can't live with these items in my home.  It's unhealthy on every level and illegal.  I clearly state that I do not have the ability to deal with this, right now in this moment and I need him to take charge of the next best steps.

He is also hurting - I can see it.  He's as uncertain as I on what to do next.  My son calls, right then, and asks if it's OK if he and his future roommate (1 year in recovery) stop by to get lunch and charge mobile phones.  I answered, but looked to my husband.  He said, let them come - both of them.

So - I say sure.  They are 2 blocks/3 blocks away.  They both arrive and come up the stairs.  The Needle & The Spoon are front and center.  My son has the look of getting caught.  The sober friend, soon to be room-mate is very uncomfortable.  My husband asks my son to explain this.

My son turns to me, and begins raging that I went through his room.  I do not react, and my husband, calmly suggests he needs to treat me with respect.  My son suggests that it's old - it's been there.  I know better, as I do mini-searches - had not done one in about 7-10 days.

I calmly share that it's not been there that long, and then proceed to open my flatware drawer (we are at the kitchen counter) which is also front and center.  I have only 1 spoon in the drawer.  I open the dishwasher, there are only 3 spoons in it.  We have 4 spoons only - in a home with 4 people - when I had a full set of 12 and purchased recently replacements for those missing.

The poor friend is just standing there.  I apologize to him, and say that I thought he needed to know what he might be getting himself into.  I walk him to his car and he thanks me and gives me my son's coat.

I return upstairs, and we all 3 are at a loss.  4 treatment centers, 7+ years of counseling, 6 months of IOP and ... we are again 'here'.  They both look to me and then my HP speaks to me.

I suggest that my son needs to call his diversion officer and see what makes logical sense.  Can we put him in jail, and then when we find a bed at a long term facility, get him out for the program?  Or - what does he suggest?

Of course, he does not want to tell on himself.  My husband gives him the phone - he dials.  The officer answers and my son rats himself out.  I grab another phone, turn it on, and give it to my husband.  He listens in, and announces he is doing so.

I tried (here's the HP again) to grab a 3rd phone and listen in as well, but - unknown to me - we can only use 2 phones on one call.  It's the way our phone system functions.  Forced detachment - I am OK with it.

They set an appointment to go and talk to him.  They leave the house to give me space and to talk.  I continue praying, as I still have to pick up my other son from school and share what's going on.  He lives here and needs to know - can't hide this stuff any way.

I pick him up, share, and we get a coke.  He goes to process and do homework and I am just numb.  I reach out to 2 program folks, get one live and leave message for another.  I find a quiet, private place and share/dump/cry.  I get ESH and comfort.

I hear the garage door, and have no idea if it's both of just one (my husband).  I don't know if my son has been put in jail or not - because, thanks to you all and F2F meetings, I've not called once - wanted to, but did not. 

They are both 'here'.  My son snares at me, and says, "I did not need to tell on myself to him or you; they did a pee test and it was clean." 

I did not remind him that it was what was found that started the events of the day.
I did not apologize.
I did not react.
I just went to fold clothes.

We went on about the next steps.  My other son wanted a haircut, I needed to pick up a prescription, we had no milk and I had nothing planned for dinner.

We divided up and off went my husband with my 2nd born to get the haircut and to get the pizza.  My ASon and I went to get the prescription and the milk.  We talked about music.

We all gather again to eat pizza.  We are rushed, as my ASon is going to a Scout meeting and my 2nd born is going to a meeting.  We begin, and my husband says, "You boys know, as you've seen, many teenagers are nice to their moms.  Do you think that you can be nice to your mom?"

That's all it took.  I just lay down the knife, and I begin to cry.  I have NEVER cried in front of these 3, as it makes me feel weak and it gives the AH and the AS something to 'bitch' about.  I have always found a private place or waiting until they were all gone to cry.  Like so many other things, I put it on hold until the time is right.

I am immediately embarassed and have to leave the room.  I go to the bedroom and just bury my head and cry.  My husband comes first, and apologizes - tell him no need. 

My ASon comes next, and just stands and stares.  He starts to apologize, and I ask him to respect my boundary (my room is off-limits for him, unless invited).

My 2nd son comes in, gives me a huge hug and just sits, saying nothing.  He finally suggests that maybe I need to go to a meeting, and he will go with me if I want him to (what a kid)...

I tell him I will be OK - just need to cry.  He hugs me again, and says, "Mom - I have to go to a meeting - will you be OK for sure"?  (great kid)

I reassure him and off he goes.  I cry for a long while.  I can't get on here, and I can't get to a meeting.  I am physically frozen in my room as I don't want to be confronted or face it - any longer - just for the day.

I use my phone, and reach out for help again.  I got through it, and I feel asleep by 10pm - slept like a rock until 5:30 (a gift).

Sorry for the long story, but you see - I did survive.  In July, when I found the Needle & the Spoon, I did not.  I did not sleep for almost 3 weeks, I went to counseling 2-3 week just trying to mentally survive.  Every time I closed my eyes, that was all I saw - the Needle & the Spoon. 

We placed him in treatment and I left town for 5 days.  I drove 12 hours one way to take a break, attend a funeral and be with my brother.  As I drove, I cried and I cried and then I cried more.  I projected that he was going to die (a real probability) and I would too.  I saw his future in the worse possible way, and cried more.   

I am crying now - it's sadness vs. anger.  It's a bit of shame that I have to tell these types of stories.  It's embarassment that normal for me/us is so far from center that it skews my values.  In spite of my tears, I am grateful.  And - here's why....

1.  You all are here and I can share to heal.

2.  You all give me ESH when I need it and am stuck.

3.  Your messages and those from F2F meetings kept playing in my mind as I tried to deal with yesterday.

4.  I practiced turning it over and detachment.

5.  I allowed myself to feel and be real in front of my children/family.

6.  HP had folks answer when I called.

7.  HP sent the message to have son make the call vs. me/dad.

8.  I did not dream of needles & spoons.

9.  He's alive - for today.

10.I am home (not driving 12 hours for peace and comfort).

A meeting is in my plans for tonight and I can't wait.  Thanks again for letting me vent/share.  I pray and pine for the day where I do NOT have a story to share.  Perhaps that will be soon.

((((Hugs to all)))) - thanks for being here.