Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

intothewoods · Veteran Member

detaching when they're sober

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Negativity is a major part of alcoholism my husb had nothing good to say about anyone or anything , it seems to be the state of mind period . I learned to try and turn what he said around to positive side and what that did for me was to stop me from going down the same thought path he was in , well he didnt like it so much hehe but it did make me feel better.
and if he is drinking occasionally he is not sober so not much will change with his attitude or actions . the best piece of advice I got here was to always treat him as IF , as if he were drinking , just a reminder for me to work my program and that worked for me . this program works in all of my relationships and I feel it has improved them all .
Today I treat every one I meet as *IF * a reminder to use the tools al anon has given me , allow people to be who they need to be , accept who they are and where thier at and the biggie for me is its not my job to fix them

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Remember that whether he's drunk or sober, he's still an alcoholic. So it's no wonder the behavior is unhealthy either way.

miss lucy · Senior Member

i think your AH and my AH must have been separated at birth!!! mine is also soooo negative. it drives me nuts, or rather it used to. there seems to be a lot of venom in a sentance that is speckled with F****s and it used to put me on my guard, waiting for the explosion. more often that not he was just rambling, letting off steam and none of it was aimed directly at me. i used to appologise for his bad language for him when we were out in public. he had a really low opinion of everyone and would pick faults with everything and everybody. the more he drank the louder and more offensive he would become.

its all different now. our friends have accepted that he is just a foul mouthed ex lorry driver (he lost his HGV last year due to having a mini stroke) with a drink problem. they ignore it. i ignore it. if anyone finds it unacceptable and sits there making tutting noises i would go over to them and say "sorry if my husband is offending you....would you care to tell him to shut up rather than making those noises?"

i often think the language serves two purposes - 1. to get a reaction 2. its a defence mechanism. how many people are willing to tackle a loud, drunk, f***ing person???? they radiate aggression dont they? you move away dont you? so they feel safe and continue doing what they are doing unchallenged and carry on with their drinking!!!!

being unable to detach from them when they are sober is tricky because subconsiously i think we expect them to behave in a more sociable, acceptable manner - "normal" if there is such a thing as a normal person. we tolerate them when they are boozed up because we know its the alcohol making them behave that way.

just my opinion for what it is worth. i think the only way to recover from these feelings of anger and resentment is to realise that this illness is still present even when they are sober. this way you might just find your peace.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think there is not drinking and there is working a program. If someone is working a program they generally are not castigating the world because they know resentment leads to a poor me and that ends up with a pour me.

Do you have the book Getting them Sober. I know for me I had way way way off expectations of any one in early sobriety. The ex A did not ever get to the point of even wanting to be sober but he tantrumed and his negativity was incredible.

There is a way to detach from people who are negative but I think its like lifting a 300 lb weight, first you have to start off with the small weights. Another way is to work the al anon tools hard and fast, get busy, get distracted with your own program and don't argue. All those tools are difficult at first after a while you can use them judiciously.

Expectation is everything. I no longer expect any addict, recovering or not to be a bastion of virtue. I have a hard time working my own program but I do not fall into the hook of thinking they have bandwidth to be available emotionally at all anymore.

Maresie.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

The negativity is a emotional atmosphere I get into time to time and the swearing is
the degree of loss of control I have regarding people, places and things. It is not a
male only behavior and most closely associated with males. Women loose control
also (check yours out and tell the story) and inventory what's going on with you when
you loose control. That way you can empathize with your husband...not join in and
then do the next right thing for yourself. If it feels like it's driving you off...go away
for a while and take your sanity and peace of mind and happiness with you. Call
back in a while and find out how things are going before returning to (hell?). Its okay
to do that and if you're asked why'd you leave be honest; "You were driving me out."

Detachment is a 24/7 tool...don't put it back in the box. (((((hugs))))) smile

intothewoods · Veteran Member

Thanks everybody for your quick replies!

Jerry: I really like "emotional atmosphere". That phrase perfectly describes what if feels like--as if the air I breathe is tainted with negativity & it gets into me and makes ME negative.

I'm going to work on detaching 24/7. I think I just let my guard down, so to speak, when he's sober, and maresie is right, that's expectations, expecting him to act like a normal human being, which he is NOT. He has a disease! I guess I wanted a free pass from thinking "it's the disease" ALL THE TIME, but that's how it is. I can't just NOT work my program. It's almost like I wanted a break from this, and that's impossible.

So, back to basics: Focus on ME and detach, detach, detach!

Thanks so much, MIP family! :D

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

intothewoods - I'm late to the party, but did want to share (from the other side) with the hopes of helping.

When I was practicing, the world looked bleak. Everyone and everything caused my troubles and if only.....then....

When I started the program, I was angry, scared, overwhelmed and without my favorite tool - mind-altering chemicals.

I did - slowly - learn that if I wanted what others had, I must change my stinking thinking. I must learn how to surrender, completely and totally - each day - and rely on my HP to help me return to sanity.

My own experience - when I was in those modes and moods, I was:

- Not working a step or the program - even if only for a moment, an hour or a day.
- Not turning it over; rather trying to take back control of people, places and things.
- One step away from a drink.

Now, in my current state of home, I face 2 people each day that are active. Both my AH and my ASon are sneaking around assuming nobody knows. My first clue is always their attitude and outlook.

My 'rationale' thinking - detaching from my husband is easier. I can take a walk, go to a meeting, go out with a girlfriend, call others for support, bake cookies, exercise, read a book - for some reason - I can choose to not engage and redirect myself.

Detaching from my son is so very, very difficult. I feel guilty, shame, fear, concern, sorrow, etc. and it can freeze me - totally in my tracks.

In my home, it is very easy to know by attitude, actions and reactions who is close to their program and who is not. When they are only 'dry drunks', I swear at times, I want to offer them a drink to align the attitude with what my silly brain views as the root cause.

It's deeper - it's a practiced activity - to have a bleak outlook, to blame everyone and everything else for what ails us - it's a huge part of the disease, and quite frankly after 24 years sober in AA - I still have to ask, each morning, for God to relieve me from my own negative attitude.

As you are committing to 24/7 efforts towards detachment, please share back. I truly need all the suggestions, experience, strength and hope I can get on this.

Thanks for sharing!

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate to this! I think it's harder to detach when he's sober, too. My AH's behavior is so bizarre when he's drunk that it's easier to remember in the moment that he's drunk and that's his issue - so no need for me to take it personally. It's harder when he's sober and irritable ... while I don't assume he's irritable AT me anymore like I used to, I still feel myself getting irritable right along with him when it happens sometimes. I'm working on it.

I like the mental image of not putting the detachment tool back in the box. :)

idontknow · Veteran Member

Oh intothewoods--i sooooo relate. I live with a "functional" alcoholic and I'm like oh my gawd would you just fall off the wagon already!! She "seems" so "normal" yet always always always complaining about this and that and never ASKING for what she wants--just dropping "hints" and its CRAZY MAKING! She's cranky and b-chy when shes drunk and just plain cold hearted when sober.

I struggle with this a LOT but most of the time the thing that helps me the most is just walking away and doing something else. If I'm just doing something to make them "happy" and it makes ME negative I just need to walk away. Although soon I need to start speaking up... lovingly.. i can detach most days but I'm really awful at setting limits/boundaries.

Thanks for sharing this!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene