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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Need some advice and help
Post Info TOPIC: Need some advice and help
RSFleishm


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Need some advice and help
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I am not sure if I am posting in the right area as I am new to this website but I hope that someone might  be able to give me some direction as to where to go or some advice as to what I should do. My father in law is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober since before I knew him (about 5 years). We just found out last night that he has been drinking for a few months and got a DUI on Saturday night. He lost his license for 30 days and also risks losing his job. When my husband was growing up his father was very abusive to both him and his mother so when he got sober this last time my husband was very excited about it. He had tried to stay sober before this but relapsed shortly after starting each time. This time it really seemed like he was doing great, he was attending many meetings and going to the local jail to lead AA meetings. He was also attending church on a regular basis and seemed to be enjoying it. He currently lives in a house with 3 other recovering alcoholics. He said that his reason for resuming drinking was that he was depressed and thought that he could handle it. My husband is so hurt and disapointed and feels as though it is his fault (he always tends to blame himself) and I have no idea what to do or tell him. I feel like I can never trust my father in law again which is very upseting for me and I also do not know what to do right now. Are we supposed to not talk to him until he gets sober again or is that going to make it worse or by talking to him does that make it seem like it is ok? I have no experience with this so I could use some advice from someone who has been there. Thank you all very much.

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abbyal


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Welcome , your husb is not responsible for his dads drinking  this is a cunning and baffling disease so powerful that it waits for a weak moment and hits again ,it never goes aways just lies in wait . 
Your  father in law has been sober a few times so he made a decission to go out again its really that simple .
How can u help ?   Encourage your husb to find Al Anon meetings for himself  he will learn about the disease and how it affects him , his dissapointment is normal and so are his feelings of guilt . it is not his job to keep his dad sober .
I would encourage you both to find Al-Anon meetings as u are living with the adult child of an alcoholic  and he too carries scares from his early yrs and cannot help but pass them on in his relationships .  I would also suggest you go to separate meetings as u both need some space to share your feelings with out upsetting each other , and Al-Anon will give u that .
By practiing this program u will learn to set boundaries for the relationship with your F I L  u will learn to hate the disease and love the man  and accept who he is .
Not speaking to him will only make your husb feel worse  in the long run - and shaming father will have an adverse affect on him as well .  Perhaps suggest your husb comes to this board as well  we have alot of men on this site who would be only too happy to share thier recovery with him .   Louise

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RSFleishm


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Thank you very much for your quick reply, it was very helpful and I will pass your advice on to my husband.

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Andrea12


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Welcome,

Abby pretty much said it all....I would just like to say welcome and know you are not alone.....

Peace,
Andrea

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maresie


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For some people relapse happens.  Expectations are very important. Surround yourself with literature, program and find a place to vent. This is a great one.

Maresie.

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maresie
Jerry F


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Aloha RS...Let your husband know that MIP exists and that there are other guys here
that can support him.   (((((hugs))))) smile

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RSFleishm


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Thank you guys very much, he is out right now but I am going to talk with him when he gets home!

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Iamhere


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Welcome RS and (((((hugs))))) for you and your husband.

Only one thing that I wanted to comment on is the 'not talking to him until....'

This disease is, as stated above, cunning, baffling and powerful - laying in wait until the week moments.  This is so true, more so than we can imagine.

This disease affects and inflicts others beyond the drinker.  Most family members, if not all will be affected by this disease, in a variety of ways.

Your question, in my experience, has everything to do with setting boundaries.  Only you and your husband can determine what boundaries to set.  The good news - help with setting boundaries is here at MIP as well as in F2F (face-to-face) meetings of Alanon and/or ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics).

Peace to both of you and keep coming back!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
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