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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> I need a break from my AH
Post Info TOPIC: I need a break from my AH
N8SMOM


Senior Member

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I need a break from my AH
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My husband has been in jail for almost 2 weeks now and I feel like I've seen him and talked to him ore these past 2 weeks than I have the past 2 months.  He calls every day and now that he's doing his work-release, he want us to visit him at work.  Also, he just ran into a little road block where he can't drive to/from work because DMV is in the process of suspending his license.  So I had to drive him to/from work yesterday and will have to do it again today.  Hopefully the DMV problem will be solved (his lawyer is looking into it), so he can start driving himself again.

I was really hoping to use these 45 days of jail time to work on me.  I would like work on my strength and serenity during his absence, but I don't feel I can do that if I'm talking to him and/or seeing him every single day.

How can I tell him that I don't want to talk to him or see him without hurting his feelings?  Also, it's not just me he wants to see; he wants to see our son.  I'm sure our son would be fine going a few days without seeing his dad - he's only 4 years old.

Any suggestions?

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freeagain


Veteran Member

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Posts: 91
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Yes, take a break. That is what you said you need, you want. Now is the time. As far as hurting his feelings, well that one always got me.

I was so codependent and always thinking of how would I want to be treated if I were him that I generally catered to him and his feelings. And then resented the heck out of him because of it.

So, for his sake, mine and the sake of our marriage, I started putting myself first and taking care of me. He really hated that and pulled every trick in the book to get me to stop it and go back to making him feel like my God.

Sometimes I would slip. But the more I practiced the better I felt. It helped me gain maturity and strength. It is the best thing I ever did for myself and my kids and probably for him also.

Good luck. It sure is a hard thing to do!!

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abbyal


~*Service Worker*~

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Hello again  -- I hear ya , is there any way the jail arranges for transport to work >  or perhaps a co worker can pick him up and drive him back from work. I know this would be  a humbling experience for your husb but sorry his actions put him where he is , its not your job to protect him from the concequences of his behavior if you can settle this now before he is released , you won't be having to drive him to work every day he can make other arrangements . I know this is hard to do but remember your not the  reason he is in this predicament so don't take it on .  Louise

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I came- I came to-I came to be
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Are there not cabs and buses there? Can he not share a ride with another in the same situation? Can he not work something out with his employer?

We are in Al Anon to learn to take care of ourself. Allow the A to have the dignity to take care of themselves.

Collect calls do not have to be answered. I would bet you he will do about anything to get to work instead of sitting in a cell.

If we make ourselves available they don't have to look for anything or anyone else to help them.

Most A's need to mature, learn to figure out their own obstacles. If we keep enabling them, they will stay in the pit.

You deserve a break! It is up to you to love you enough to take one! love,debilyn

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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Iamhere


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 11569
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((((N8SMOM)))) - What I'm learning here is that the more I am willing and give, the more they take.  I took the car away from my ASon, and know he believes I'm his taxi, chauffeur, etc.  Of course, within a week of the car being grounded, he got fired from his job.

I have been very clear that if he needs assistance looking for a job, I need a day's notice and will not leave without a plan (list of places to go to and apply). 

What he's learning from this (because he's unwilling to plan) is to ask for help.  He's had no choice but to reach out, to program people, for rides to apply for jobs.

I have learned through reading his text message (another story) that he's not always seeking employment.  He's doing some playing instead.  The codie mom in me wants to lecture him on .....

But, the person I'm working to become, in thanks to folks here and F2F meetings is turning it over and praying for him.

If you take a well-deserved break and focus on you, he will figure it out.  It may sound cold, but here, when my son is 'in need' and the need crosses the boundaries I'm setting, I've stated to him, "You are such an intelligent boy and you've figured out how to achieve so many things and get so many things in recent times; I know you've got the strength to find a way."

Translated - how in the world can you find (underage) folks to buy you alcohol and sell you drugs but you can't get a ride to work/application/meeting?

Best to you - hug yourself and love yourself.  You do deserve it! 

Take what helps and leave the rest...


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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
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