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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> My ABF thinks the solution is ... for me to give up CARBS!?!?
Post Info TOPIC: My ABF thinks the solution is ... for me to give up CARBS!?!?
Festfan


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My ABF thinks the solution is ... for me to give up CARBS!?!?
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Seriously...

We got into it after he was a complete GROUCH all weekend - I think because he was actually not drinking when we were out.  But everything irritated him.  I really wanted to throttle him.

So today we start talking about it and I object to how he acted all weekend and I decided to spend the day apart (we don't live together but spend most weekends together).  A few hours later, the texting starts - he can't seem to have the difficult conversations in person... grrr. 

He is starting to object to my boundary - which is that I don't spend time with him if he has been drinking.  He sees it as a "rule" and so he thinks that he should get to pick a rule too.  That I should give up something I like... and his fantastic idea is that I should give up carbs on the days that we see each other!! That is a very common relationship rescue technique - I am quite sure!

And he thinks that our problem is that I think that I have "out grown" drinking and "letting loose" and that he is still a "kid at heart".  (we are in our late 30s).  And his other fine solution today is that we should "take turns" indulging (which we have of course already tried). 

So I have not done a great job detaching, because I stayed in the "text-versation" all day, trying to explain my position and using logic.  Which of course doesn't work. 

I have at least stayed "on message".  He seems desparate today. 

Thanks for listening.

Trying to find peace,



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Peace!
Debilyn


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Fest do we find peace or do we make it?  If I saw it was A calling. I did not answer.

So he said give up carbs. So? He is an addict, he is insane. An addict not on program, using then not using so you think, is insanity to listen to anything they say.

Least that is my esh. Just depends on,"what do you want YOUR life to be?"

I tell ya lady, not having an A in my life anymore is heaven. The damage is healing, living clean, no drama, no head trips, no manipulation and lies is something I forgot when AH relapsed.

So how much do you really enjoy week ends?

Glad you are here!! hugs,debilyn

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Carol_Lynn


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my a always used to take my inventory and point his finger at me esp when I criticized him.

I have let him go and that has forced him to look at his own problems instead of punishing me.

It did take me a lot of tears and breaking free before I could get to that point.

Carol

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ythannah


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He's just attempting to bargain -- "my boundary for your boundary" -- anything to avoid having to scrutinize his drinking.

My XABF used to try and tell me that his drinking wasn't really a big problem in our relationship; after all, he spent more days sober than drunk. confuse

I use the old "broken record technique" to avoid getting caught up in pointless and unreasonable arguments.  I just keep restating my boundary in simple and unmistakable terms.

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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
freeagain


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Don't eat carbs...well, that is a good one.

My AH thought I should give up my job, time with the kids, my hopes, dream and future because he couldn't drink anymore. I guess his idea was that it wasn't fair that I wasn't an A. I didn't drink or anything, he was just mad.

Not quite sure how my giving up my life was going to make his disease managable. I tried, but after awhile it just didn't work for me.

What a very strange disease....very strange.



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Aloha


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About two years ago, there was one time where my AH saw some infomercial for a book called something like "The Addiction Cure" - he purchased it and told me he bought it and decided he'd be helpful and told me "you could use this, too, for your sugar addiction!"

I really didn't have much to say to him about it. At that time, I was very new into my recovery with Al-Anon and was still in that place where I was forbidding him to drink. It was just a tactical maneuver on his part to shift the focus from his alcohol addiction to my sugar addiction... make ME the problem, not the alcohol.

I've since come very far in my recovery. I no longer forbid him to drink - in fact, I don't say a word to him about his drinking problem. My only goal is to stay out of his way so should he be hitting a bottom, he does it on his own... and he can't try to blame me for his problem.

(And if you're wondering, no, that book he bought has never been opened.)

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Festfan


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Its so great to come here to read through your ESH - everyone!  The ABF is trying to stretch and pull the boundaries.  Yes - my boundary can be viewed as a rule, but I am not telling him not to drink or how much he can drink anymore.  I just don't want to be around him when he is drinking.  So I am being "controlling" (his words).  Whatever... now he is trying to get me to back off of this - wants to go back to when we were both fun - when I would drink with him too.  he keeps bringing up memories which he thinks were the "good times".  And has suggested that we get together to celebrate our "anniversary" (I call it monthiversary - every month he likes to get together on the day we met.  Good thing for him it wasn't leap year!) Anyway - get together for a drink or glass of champagne to celebrate...  HELLO!!  I am not even going to respond to that...

I am still getting pulled into the roller coaster, but at least today I didn't respond to any of his alcohol related texts.  Minor victories...

Peace,



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Peace!
White Rabbit


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I got a chuckle out of the carbs thing, but I have been in this situation! My AH didn't tell me to give up carbs, but he did tell me once when he was drunk and I was screaming and crying (NOT my proudest moment) that I was so crazy he could never be with a person like me. Lol - he was totally right, I WAS crazy! BUT - it's way easier to point the finger at someone else for something else (anything else - even carbs or sugar, apparently!) than it is to look at the 3 fingers pointing back at yourself.

It's okay that you didn't detach today. You know what you want to do differently the next time something like this happens, so it was an experience that you learned from. Progress, not perfection ... the awesome part is that now you know what you want to do! Before I got to Alanon, I had no idea how I could stop feeling so miserable and out of control. I thought I had no choices. Now that I'm here, I have all the choices in the world! :)

Blessings,


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* White Rabbit *

I can't fix my broken mind with my broken mind.
N8SMOM


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LOL! Sorry to laugh, but I quite a chuckle out of his "request," and I really needed a good laugh today.

They certainly do come up with some strange things to take the focus off them, don't they?

I just realized that you posted this 2 days ago - sorry for the late response. I hope you were able to find some peace.

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Festfan


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Thanks N8smom - it does make me feel better that someone else sees the humor (and insanity) of it all. 

Peace,

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Peace!
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