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OK - so took me a bit to process my yesterday. I'll try to keep it simple, but in a nut-shell this was my yesterday.
Started out 'great'. Took my oldest to his therapy appointment @ 8:15am, and we had time to stop for coffee. He viewed that as a treat, I viewed it as a necessity.
Anyhow, he's soon to be 18, and wants to go off any/all medication. As I work hard to let go, this and other decisions will soon be without my intake, so I told him to talk with his counselor.
They obviously spoke about this and more - he was in there for a long while (a good thing). He finished, I get the low-down on the medication program and out we go.
As a card carrying member of multiple 12-Step programs, I had already decided I was going to a 9:30 meeting. We had plenty of time. I told my son my plan, and he wanted to go.
Off we went to the meeting - a great meeting too. Back to the house and life is good for a bit. Needless to say, several hours later, he decided to begin the 'button pushing'. He was working to manipulate me out of consequences for his most recent relapse. I held my ground.
My AH was very uncomfortable with the back/forth and the place I planted, and began to go against me, in support of my Ason. He does this as he can't stand the 'noise' - wants peace (quiet). I asked him nicely to support me - not go against me. He just got quiet.
My Ason was freely stating F you to me, over and over and over....He took his laptop off the table, and assumed he was going to disappear and game online. Unfortunately, this was a lost privilege, so I had to retrieve. Very, very scary for me - he has anger issues, and is a bully - but I was successful in an ignored myriad of cursing/screaming/drama.
Then, I realize he had collected, without permission, his mobile phone too. He suggested he was going to go and get loaded, and then just go to jail. I said nothing, waiting to see. My AH decided to try and talk to him - my ASon said F You to him and they were then 'rolling'...
The two were close to the steps going to the basement. They were pushing and shoving and I was absolutely in shock. I got up (bad move, but felt the need to protect my son) and worked to get between them. When I arrived at the stairs, my son was sitting and my husband was toying with my son to get a reaction - smacking his cheeks gently and jawing his mouth at him.
Next thing I know, my AH, on firm ground is shoving at my son who's on the steps. I ended up on the 2nd/3rd step between them trying to hold them apart. My 2nd born son was covered in the recliner.
My Ason was so very shocked, angry and upset by what my AH did, that he decided to run out the door (away). My AH yelled at him from the back porch (too lazy to go after him and apologize) and threatened that we were calling the police. My ASon kept running, my AH refused to call the police, so I did.
It went through as domestic violence this time...When I tried to talk to my AH about the treatment of my ASon, he called me names, cursed at me and said I was a liar.
Police came, took a report and asked what to do with aSon (he came home before the police came). Quite honestly, at this point, I wanted them to take AH - but they took nobody.
For the rest of the day, my 2nd born son decided to call me names and act-out as he was angry at me for calling the police. My ASon went to work; My AH washed basketball, my 2nd born went to a meeting and I watched a movie.
Both boys came in and laid down and watched TV with me later. We talked a little bit but not able to come to closure. My AH went to work in the middle of the night (thank goodness).
So - tons of lost sleep last night and tons of time to think, process and restart. Here's what I learned....
This morning, got up, did my pleases and did some reading. Came 'here' - read and shared a bit. Then I got cleaned up and worked out (haven't done in a forever and then some).
I carefully thought about our typical day and decided that I'd have a different day. So, when Ason woke up, I told him what I needed from him for the day and what he needed to do to stay here for the next 60 days (until 18).
My 2nd born woke up, and we had a similar, yet different conversation. The 2 chose to sit and do nothing for a few hours, then asked how to gain privileges back. I gave tasks. They did them poorly. They had to redo them. My oldest had 2 meltdowns and when I did not respond (which is my typical pattern), he calmed down and apologized.
So - we do have 2 clean bedrooms, a clean bathroom and hallway, doggie-doo-doo picked up in the back yard and a clean first level. It would have been easier to get upset and beg for help and yell and ... but I chose not to. The day went very good, considering.
They each earned their mobile phones back for 5 hours, to be returned at 10ish, and they earned a 2 hour outing. It may sound 'crazy' that at 15 and 17 they don't get it, but they've never been held accountable, nor have they ever seen a direct correlation between action and outcome.
Normally, they are grounded, they wait until I'm at the store, or at ???, and then just ask their dad and get their way. So - yesterday was absolutely crazy and today was a success for our home.
We shall see what happens tomorrow, but for right now, I feel very blessed that a change in thinking/priorities has resulted in small gains for our home.
Both boys came in last night and watched TV on the bed. I can't tell you when the 3 of us last hung out in the same room, let alone on the same bed. We also allowed Layla to snuggle with us. I got an apology from each and I got a hug from each. I got a hug again today from each.
Small, baby steps and we might just make it!! Thanks to you all for listening and while we're far from 'perfect', I'm grateful that our yesterday did not boil on - last night + today + ...
Sorry 4 the long post! I do believe if this happens again (a physical issue between AH and Ason) I will not get in the middle. It was a natural instinct to protect my son - my husband is bigger. I can't believe I even have to type this - what a clear demonstration of the insanity of this disease.
Thanks for listening...
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
that indeed is progress on your part....what a difference from a few posts ago!! Well done for sticking to your guns about the priveledges and chores. well done you for improving on the things you can change and stepping back from the things that will always be out of your control. lessons are being learnt here and you will grow stronger, more resilient, more determined and you will be at peace with yourself. the long term outcome is totally unpredictable so as you say....baby steps...one day at a time!
I flashed back to my childhood when I read your post except mine just involved me and my siblings with my alcoholic stepfather and alcoholic mom and either my step brother and step father fighting or my mother and step father while my sis and I cried. I know that you may or may not be able to see how fortunate your children are to have you in the home. I know your children may not tell you thank you for setting boundaries and requiring accountability. But, let me tell me tell you for them. As a child who grew up in chaos I wished that someone cared enough to "ground" me. I did get grounded occasionally when they were drunk only that punishment was quickly forgotten the next morning- then I was dropped off or let loose to run with whoever so that I was out of the house. You are showing your children that you care enough to follow through and I find that inspiring. Just my two cents. :)
Thank you all for letting me share and for helping me see 'progress'. I am positive I am not alone but at times - at the end of a day or the end of an event - I just am so drained ... and certain that nothing is as screwed up as 'us'.
A huge hug to all - and I am so grateful I found this board.
Another life lesson for me yesterday (thank goodness I am teachable) ----
I attended my first online meeting here last night - loved it! Felt really good, and decided to hang after to see if others had similar scenarios in the home - Active AH and Active ASon.
Needless to say, I shared a bit and got a call that my oldest needed to be picked up from work (we took the car away).
So - had to go and get him. I get there, and he shows me his arm.
He had a huge knot about the size of a roma tomato that was obviously some type of infection/mass close to the crook of the arm. He shared it was from needle use - about 10 days ago, and that it hurt bad and his hand was numb.
So - we waited for my 2nd born to get home, and explained we were off to the ER to have it looked at. I did NOT lecture, I did NOT ask anything, I just said I was sorry for his pain.
I set a few quick boundaries:
- He was going to have to share the issues. - He was going to have to be honest. - I was going to wait in the waiting room as he described this issue. - He was paying for the co-pay. - He was NOT going to have ANY narcotics - if they needed to incise/drain/other - he was going with non-narcotic. If anything was sent home for pain, it would also be non-narcotic.
The playoff football game was going on in the waiting area, so I did get distracted by watching. I went in after, and asked that his chart be documented for no narcotics.
He was not happy that he had to pay the co-pay. Of course, when they wrote the prescription for antibiotics and suggested a follow-up with the doctor, he was even more upset that he would be paying for both.
He complained about it all, and then asked, with attitude why he had to pay. I explained, very calmly (not my norm. at all) that we gladly pay for these items when he is sick or has an accident. But, it was his responsibility when it was self-inflicted and avoidable.
He didn't say another cross word. We came home, had something to eat (together) and then off to bed. I did catch him smoking in his room about an hour later, got a bit bitchy and then took away his cigs. and lighter.
So - it is still the ebb & flow. The old behaviors are so very hard to modify - they come so naturally for me.
Hugs to all and may your day be blessed. I am again without a furnace, the repair man is coming in about an hour. It's about 28 degrees here - burrrrrrr....
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
