The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First of all, let me say that I really loved reading the enabling posts. I have found myself stepping over boundaries a lot here lately both in my professional and personal life. I am a social worker and I keep putting myself- as they say with good intentions- into situations that perhaps I do not have to- to resolve resident situations and angering other departments. I take these concerns personally and then take them home. Then I have a cousin who is struggling with mental illness I have tried to get admitted to hospital only to anger her mother who originally asked for help. I have a work friend who called me to meet her to discuss her marital problems and now won't return my calls. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. I feel unloved, unappreciated, and overworked. Codependent blues. Anyway, the A is loving rehab and calls me daily with updates. Tonight he was telling me about his fabulous day. He has been there 9 days. It is in Florida on beach 78 degrees. Now I did find the place for him and convince his family to finance it. I am pleased that he is taking to it so well. He even sent me the first step via text Friday morning. It's just that like tonight he asked how my day was and I said ah not too great really, but you don't won't to hear about it. He said "some more self- made drama." He didn't say it mean like. I said I knew you would say that. He said well, I bet you were trying to take care of everybody's problems but Amy's right? I said pretty much. Admitted I was trying to work on that. He then went on to say he used to do that, but now he was focusing just on himself and taking care of him and that it felt GREAT and that it just kept getting better. I muttered something positive and said yes I knew I was working on boundaries and was making 2010 motto to mind my own business and he suggested instead...how about making it taking care of Amy first. Here's the thing...it pissed me off. Since when has he NOT thought of himself first?? I mean when was he not his own focus. He says he is NOW taking care of him first, but I can't remember when he didn't. He is in a beautiful spa like atmosphere- granted coming off opiates can't be easy, but I am paying a mortgage, supporting his child, and holding down a job and he is telling me how I need to not put so much on my plate and stop creating drama, etc. I know what he is saying is true. It's just that to hear him quote the steps to me like he is now the expert, etc. for whatever reason just infuriated me. I guess it just made me feel like one more thing I was not doing right. I'm down on myself I know and this pity party stops right here. I just appreciate you guys for being here so I can openly admit that , yes indeed, I am jealous of the opiate addict who is in rehab- go figure.
You aren't really suggesting that when he was active in his addiction that he was taking care of himself, are you? He is right, you do need to take care of yourself first and he needs to work on himself first--- but the feelings you are having are understandable after all this time trying to "fix" him, now he is trying to do it on his own-- so where does that leave you? It leaves you have to be with yourself and feel your own feelings and work your own program etc... and now you are feeling resentment for being the "strong" one all this time and holding everything together while he is "lounging" around in Florida--- Perfectly understandable-- let yourself feel the anger, acknowledge it and you may see that it is just not him that you are angry about, you may really be angry with yourself...
Oh code, I so understand. I don't have the same situation as you, but I remember not being able to attend an open AA meeting for a long time because I was so not into them telling me how they were doing so great and how. I knew they knew what they were talking about. I just couldn't let them tell me, not then.
Of course you feel overwhelmed, disgusted, and jealous. Who wouldn't? He really is out of line telling you that stuff, but he is not far enough into recovery to have any tact or any real understanding of how his actions have hurt others yet. He will if he stays in recovery, but it takes time.
One thing I do know is that when he says that he is concentrating on him, not others, he probably means it.(assuming , of course that he is finally serious about recovery) I know that my husband used because he felt responsible for many things in his life that he believed he was not up to. Meaning he really thought he should be taking care of lots of people and things. He just hated himself because he did not know what was his and what wasn't and was so overwhelmed by it all, that all he could do was use drugs to kill the pain of inadequacy that he felt.
My AH never did much for the family either. He deserted us often, never took responsibility for anything, left it all to me. I did not know it was because he FELT responsible for all of it and was overwhelmed with guilt and self hate at not doing what he thought he should.
That's why we are not supposed to should on ourselves, right? Because it overwhelms us. It took me a long time to see that we have the same disease, my AH and I. We just cope with it differently. I go into overcontrol mode and get lost, he uses drugs and gets lost.
Anyway, I think I am rambling. Its late and i am tired. Sorry.
I hope it helps somehow.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Awww Code...You may not have the right but you sure do have the ability to hold resentments... My therapy which I learned a while back in treatment? Go find a safe place where I can hurt myself or others. Quiet myself just a bit and then throw a tantrum as animated and full of drama as I can. 15 - 20 seconds of a full on tantrum and then I can straighten myself up a bit and walk back into the house to a more relaxing project or meal or whatever. Remember how to tantrum...the screeches, the volume and words and the jumping up and down with the clenched fist and flapping arms? Tell me how it works out for you. LOL I once had a need to do it so bad I did it in a shopping mall....Hardly anyone gave me a notice. I'm such a big deal.
Hi Code, I can so relate to your share. I too am angrey with my recovering ABF. He lives in his mums after his last slip,no responsibilities. He comes to see me twice a week all about his needs. I have been so angery I want a man who is responsible who pays the bills, looks after me is PERFECT HA. But I am not perfect either. I chose an A because I am sick and all my life I have tried to fix other people had my nose in everyones business as if I know all the ansers. What happened my nice life became as bad as all theirs because I was not concentrating on me, my problems it was easier to see how everyone elses could be fixed. At the moment my A is fighting for his life. He too is preaching the programme to me. I just do not know whee all thi is going and I do not try and solve it all on my own anymore. Today I try and keep the focus on myself which is so hard for me to do. MY life is good my relationship is only one part of my life. Today I try and live my life I am becoming more and more independent ( emtionally). I talk to hp a lot I ask for guidance I know my A entered my life because I was not getting the message to mind my own business and to change the things I can istaed of spending my life tring to fix the world. I love my A but just like him I need to look after me. I know if my A ever hs the chance of living a normal life I hve to butt out and fight my resentments that h is looking after himself instead of me HE SHOULD BE LOOKING OUT FOR ME RIGHT AFTER EVERYTHING I HAVE DONE!! I chose to do it all if it wasnot with him it would have been someone else. Tday I try and look at the part I play, yes i get angre with me. I feel it then remember oh yes I AM ONLY HUMAN. I can not fix the world in fact my own life is a mess. So them I turn to HP and say help show me the way and things get better every time I surrender.
I can understand your post. The alcoholic has made plenty of messes, hurt plenty of people with bad behavior, and now he's on a beach and says he's doing fabulously and needs to focus on himself. I haven't had that exact situation but I've thought PLENTY of times when my AH says that he needs to do something for him - "it's always all about you!" I think what I felt was actually resentment.
I've learned that I can put myself in a bad mood really fast thinking like that, though. It's a dangerous slippery slope for me, and I stay in a bad mood in a bad place for a long time if I let myself. I'm still not always good at catching the throughts before my train has derailed, but I'm getting better. For me, the second I hear myself making statements that include "always" or "never" in my head with respect to the way someone else acts, I have to do something quickly to stop myself. For me, making a gratitude list helps. And trying to remind myself that the alcoholic needs patience and tolerance because he's not logical or rational.
It's also really nice to pamper myself a little. When I don't feel good, I like to take the opportunity and go to an extra f2f meeting because I always walk away feeling so much better ... and then take an hour or two to do something just for myself - like a pedicure or massage. Feeling better is a choice - and I like what someone wrote on another thread the other day - I can't remember the exact quote, but the gist of it was that you can't change your thinking and then change your actions, you have to do it the other way around. If you change your actions first, the changes in thought processes will come.
Code - I can't directly relate to what you are saying but do 'hear' how tired you are. That much, I can relate to. I have 2 Actives in my home and boy oh boy --- it is wearing on my nerves, energy, brain and my other son.
What I often forget is that I can do things differently. When my son was in his last treatment facility (there have been 4), I did NOT make sure I was here every night for his call(s). If he got phone privileges and I was here, I took the call. However, I did not sacrifice all other things I needed to do to ensure it happened.
He is and has been the largest 'distraction' in my home. I have spent countless hours/days/months trying to help him, fix him, redirect him and .... The emotional, spiritual and physical affects of this have aged me 20 years in 4 years.
What I've recently realized is that when I get sucked in, I totally forget that:
- I am me, and I need TLC. - I have another son, who is also suffering big-time due to our home environment. - I did not cause this, I can't cure this and I need to work on me.
<<<<Hugs>>>> to you - MIP and F2F meetings are helping me see what I need to do and where my energy should be. I say the serenity prayer at least 3-4 times per hour when everyone is awake. It's become my motto for ESH when I am or feel uncertain what to do next.
Thanks for the share.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I, too, went through the SAME exact feelings. I was FURIOUS that after all the hell I had been through with my A - he was off in Florida, living it up - leaving me in the wake of "the past" and all our memories, while he was escaping to a warm and supportive environment and I still needed to try to juggle all my responsibilities while also find time for recovery for me, when I was exhausted??
I remember researching rehabs for codependents and feeling FURIOUS that there wasn't anything for us Al-anoners to cope with the pure insanity we were forced to deal with in being exposed to alcoholism and addiction. I was so very angry for so very long. I felt a TON of self pity and kept wanting him to come back and rescue me and promise me a grand future, etc. When I felt crazy enough I dragged my feet to meetings and although I was still anxious and crazy, I began to have hope.
