I really need to vent about some things and I hope that you don't mind.

My A has finished his treatment 2 weeks ago, but is now out of province with his parents due to legal conditions (which should be removed this week or next).

We had several conversations about him coming home.  He stated how scared he is about coming home, about getting in the way of my healing, the kids, and doing something again which might hurt us again.  We discussed the pros and cons, and it really came down to that I would be the one to make the decision.  Well, after giving things a lot of thought, knowing what I need and talking to my counsellor, I decided to ask him to stay at his parents for a little while until we all had some more time to heal; for me to heal.  For the first time in my life, I made a decision for me.  One reason for making this decision, was because every time I was around my A (and for the last few years), I started to put up my wall, and become emotionally cold.  I thought it was the right decision at the time.  But now I have had some more time to think about it, and really feel that it is the wrong decision.

Things have been getting tougher at home with having to take care of all the responsibilites, the kids and trying to do my own healing.  I have started to realize that my life is becoming unmanageable.  I also finally started to have emotions arise, such as anger with my A, resentment and jealousy.  He has received 3 months of treatment, and I was left having to find my own support systems, and treatment.  I am very angry about how he has treated me the last 15 years, and especially for what I did for him the last 4 years, when we thought he was severely depressed, but it turned out to be alcoholism. I was his caretaker, and I know that now. I know I am very codependent and I am doing what I can to heal myself.  Sometimes it is hard with two children.

Through all these feelings and emotions, I started thinking about him not being here and helping with the family responsibilities.  I started thinking with everything he has done in the past, I am left to look after everything, and try to heal on my own.  When I try to ask him about household or family things, he tells me that I need to make the decisions.  I understand that I need to start taking care of myself and making decisions, but I feel that he needs to take some responsibility for family stuff.

I have changed my decision about him not coming home.  Reasoning is that if was home, it would lessen the load of my responsibilities at home so it would give me time to got to more Al-Anon meetings and do more things for myself.  It would also allow us to heal on a couple level, as we would be together and able to work on things together.  I know that individual healing is crutial, but I also feel that in order to make our marriage work, we need to work together as a couple.

When I called him yesterday to tell him that I changed my mind, that I needed him to come home and help with the responsibilities (because I feel that by me asking that he not come home, it was somewhat of a relief to him not to take any responsibilities.)  I was honest with him about my emotions that finally came up, about my anger and resentments, and that I am trying to work on letting them go.  I said that I love him, but I don;t like him very  much right now.

Well, we got into another argument.  He kept saying that he is not the one that I should be talking to...that i need to talk to people that know about addiction and codependence, that my thinking is clouded and my reasoning is insane...that I am codependent and can;t decisions like this on my own.

He continually says that I am the one who put him in the situation he is in (by not allowing him home), but he seems to forget that we discussed it, and the decision sat like a boulder on my shoulders.  He says that he is taking responsibility through finances, and by showing that the day he was released from treatment that he wanted to come home and take responsibility (we were under the understanding that when he was released from treatment, the legalities of his bail would be lifted...so he was home for 1 1/2 hours, and then had to leave.)

He believes that my actions are only based on my codependency to him, and that is why I want him home.  I look at it as it giving me more space and time to look after myself, and allowing us to heal as a couple.

He said, that if I just called and said, "can you come home, I need help!", he would.

Please, is my thinking wrong here?  What did I do wrong?  I feel so alone right now, but I have to be strong for my children.

She Wolf