The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first attempt to seek out advice on what I've known has been a problem for several years now. My brother, who lives in Las Vegas (I am in NY), and who has been in a relationship for over 30 years, has been drinking regularly and more and more heavily. His partner asked me for help a little over a year ago, but I really didn't know what I could possibly do or say. Apparently he refuses counselling, AA meetings, or that he has a problem at all, but as of last night I found out that he has been becoming violent when he's drunk and the police had to be called to their home (he attacked a friend, not his partner). What, if anything, can I do? I've tried talking to my brother about it, but he justs fluffs me off, saying it's not a problem and he can stop any time. I wanted to believe things were being blown out of proportion, but several facts have come to light that have made me realize this is a serious problem. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
There is nothing you can do to help them. Alanon's 3 C's are: we didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it.
Hopefully the both of you (brothers partner and you) can get to some Alanon meetings! You will learn many helpful tools and meet great people who can understand what you are going through.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Aloha Bessie and welcome from the pacific also. You won't be able to do a thing about your brothers drinking. You and he have already taken care of that part. You've let him know that you know and he says, "no problemo". This is normal more than you can guess. Hang around MIP and read the back posts and the new ones coming up after yours and then re-evaluate the situation and your roll in it. Best you can do is refer your brothers relationship to Al-Anon and MIP and then let that go also. Partners in the disease are notoriously well attached and fully participating until they can take no more and then they go for help; hopefully when it is not too late. Alcoholism is a compulsion of the mind with an allergy of the body is not curable and can only be arrested thru total abstinence. It is a progressive disease never better and always worse and if the alcoholic attains some time in abstinence and then goes back to drinking often it is worse than when they stopped. Alcoholic affect everyone they come in contact with, family, friends, associates and if they continue to drink without finding help they can and will go insane and/or die. This is a fatal disease. We the family and friends of alcoholics are affected in much the same way as the alcoholic in that we have learned to act and react without the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality. We also affect those we come in contact with; family, friends and associates and have the same three choices; Serenity, Insanity or Death. I have experienced every bit of that definition of alcoholism including watching the insanities and the deaths on both sides.
It would be good for you to check the local hot line for Al-Anon and get into a face to face meeting. There will be a welcome for you, lots of literature so that you can read up on this mind and mood altering chemical addiction and people you can sit and listen to and talk with about it.
Glad you found MIP and this family. Here as in the program we love and support others who have been where we have been and are looking for help.
Good morning Bessie and glad you found MIP and are here!
As others have shared, what you can do is take care of you and pass along the knowledge you gather. My heart goes out to you - it is often very difficult for us to watch others self-destruct when afflicted with this disease. However, this forum and Alanon help us 'live' in spite of that which is going on around us.
I am a 'visual' person, and am always interested in reading. If you are a reader, there are a good variety of books available. For me, between this board, F2F meetings and a small stack of books, I am better understanding what is around me, and what my role is (or isn't).
Best to you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Accepting that was hard for me when I first got to Al-Anon. I didn't understand how I could watch the alcoholics in my life be so miserable and so out of control and not do anything. I tried everything - talking rationally, screaming irrationally, printing hard data as evidence, calling family to help convince a person that they needed rehab, calling a person incessantly to check up and make sure they weren't drinking, coming home early from work to supervise another person's behavior, and more. None of it made any difference, and the only thing that happened as a result was that I wore myself out trying and ended up feeling frustrated, angry, resentful, and sad. I eventually came to see that the alcoholics in my life are grown adults and responsible for themselves. Just like I would not want another person to decide that something I do in my life is a problem and start trying to control me, I also owe other people the dignity of making their own decisions and deciding what behavior is a problem. It isn't my job to decide that someone else should change - my only job is to change myself if I wish.
If and when your brother decides his drinking is a problem, he can make the decision to make changes. You can't make this happen or speed up the process, though.
If there are Al-Anon face to face meetings in your area, they will be invaluable. I was a confused mess when I got to the program. I have more peace now than I ever knew was possible.
thank you all so much for your thoughtful and sensitive comments. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it as I've been feeling that I'm failing him some how by not doing anything useful to help. I will definitely seek out a local meeting to attend. I am a person who needs as much information as possible when I wrestle with a problem, and this is one of the most serious ones I've had to face. Thanks much to all of you.
