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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Is this enabling?
Post Info TOPIC: Is this enabling?
N8SMOM


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Is this enabling?
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My husband is serving 45 days in jail for a DUI - he is on a work-release program.

He can drive himself to/from work.  Unfortunately he just found out that they may not let him do that because the DMV has started the process to suspend his driver's license.

A lot of people in jail take the bus to/from work, but my husband is concerned that the bus may not get him to/from work in time (he works at various locations and some of them are pretty far away from the jail).

I've always said that I will not drive him to/from jail - he got himself into this mess and he needs to take care of it himself.  Unfortunately, now that it has come down to it, I'm re-thinking my decision.

If he doesn't go to work, we have no money coming in and we can't pay the bills.  So in a sense, I would be doing this for me.

Opinions please?

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canadianguy


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"enabling" is just a label, and is open to the discretion of the individual situation.... typically meaning something along the lines of "doing something for the other that they could/should do for themselves, to your detriment"....  If driving him to/fro makes financial sense for YOU, then I say go for it.....

Tom

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Andrea12


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I agree with Tom, you have to survive yourself...and if it benefits you financially whqt the heck....you are doing this for you as well.....

peace,
Andreqa

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Debilyn


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Myself I would not want to have to go take him and pick up every day.

Is it possible he can call his work, they must know he is in jail, after he checks the bus schedule, to arrange a temp. arrangement so he has transportation?

You say he is afraid...does that mean he has not looked at other options? He cannot ride with someone else?

Myself I would ask him, "what are your options? What have you come up with."

I have a feeling his employer would work with him. Worth asking eh?

I don't like to leave home much. Would have thought you needed the space.

Anyhoooo my thoughts hon, debilyn

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masspedirn


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This is the situation that happened to me when my ABF lived with me. He wasn't in jail but spent all the money he had on booze instead of fixing his car, so when it broke down he had no money to fix it; a situation he got himself into. I started to drive him 30 minutes in the opposite direction every morning so he could get to work, with the thinking that if he didn't get to work he wouldn't get money to fix his car, he could get fired, he wouldn't be able to contribute etc...It involved getting me and my son up an extra hour early so I could then get my son to school and myself to work. Lasted a week. I started to feel resentful that he didn't suffer any consequences for his bad choice, it was all me going the extra mile (literally ;). I gave him notice that he needed to find a way to get to work and low and behold he did....and it took him only two weeks to save the money he needed to get his car fixed but he did it. If I didn't stop driving him he would have just let it continue without a thought. Just my experience :)

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Jerry F


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The two cents I was given and kept in Al-Anon was the difference twix enabling and
helping....kinda sorta what Tom offered.  What I learned was If the person lacked the
time, ability and facility in getting a need met and they asked me for help; that was
helping.  If they had all three and I stepped in and took responsibility; that was
enabling.   I still use that one today cause it still works for me.   (((((hugs))))) smile

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maire rua


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You might need to think of yourself in this situation. I would not want to get into debt so in a way it would be for you but are you the only option, pain in the ass for you though,

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Maire rua
White Rabbit


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I agree with previous posters. If it is a situation he is capable of figuring out and handling himself, and you step in so he doesn't have to figure it out (even if it impacts your life negatively), that's enabling. If he's legitimately attempted to find a solution and truly can't handle it himself and asks for help, that's different.

In my life, I still have to think honestly about it ... is the other person being lazy and wanting me to take care of something they could do themselves but it is easier to just sit there and let me take it on as if it is my problem? If the answer is yes, I don't "help" anymore because it's not really helping anybody - especially me.

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blender_girl


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Jerry F wrote:


What I learned was If the person lacked the
time, ability and facility in getting a need met and they asked me for help; that was
helping.  If they had all three and I stepped in and took responsibility; that was
enabling.  


 Absolutely brilliant!  This is exactly what I needed to hear today as it validates my decision earlier this week to mind my own business.    In my case, my A wasn't lacking time, ability or facility to get a need met NOR had he asked me for help in doing so.  I found myself stepping in and very nearly trying to take control of something that is definitely not my responsibility.  I'm so thankful for this program and its members whose voices I hear whispering to me to check my motives.

love you all,

bg



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N8SMOM


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Thanks everyone. I've decided that on days when it's not an inconvenience for me, I will help him out. But I told him that on the days that I just can't do it, he will need to figure out how to get to work on his own. He's already thought about asking his family for help on those days. He has today off, so maybe he'll use his free time checking out a bis schedule?

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kmarty


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Wouldnt hurt him to ask someone in AA to help him out......biggrin

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