What would you do? - Al-Anon Family Group

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

What would you do?

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My friend I believe you know the answer.

I would ask myself,"what would he learn if I replaced his phone he lost whilst being drunk?"

We all learn from the consequences of our behavior.

hugs, debilyn

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

Responsibility is hard for an A as long as we keep picking up the pieces...sometimes we just have to let go and say enough....and let them figure it out on thee own....this is my opinion.....

Do what you need to do for you dear friend.

Peace,
Andrea

N8SMOM · Senior Member

I say if he hasn't asked for it, then don't offer it.

Of course it's always easy to give this kind of advice. I can't imagine not wanting to do everything you can to help your son. It's difficult, but in the long run, this may help him get better.

Charlie · Veteran Member

Ness,

To me, a cell phone is a convenience, not a necessity. As difficult as it is for me to admit, I seemed to get along just fine before they became common place. :)
-He has access to a lane line, so all is good!

If a child is an adult, liviing on there own, my thought is they should pay their own way. If he can't cover the cost of a new phone (which now-a-days is pretty darn cheap for a basic unit), I'm not sure how he can pay his portion of the bill.
Without knowing all of the details, this was my initial thought.
(Of course, every situation is unique and we all have our take on things.)

Rita G · ~*Service Worker*~

((Ness))

I so understand the situation and the pull between wanting to give him a help up and not an enabling hand out

yes you could give him the extra phone - set the boundaries, you would of course have to know that there are really good chances he WONT honor those boundaries with the phone and you could end up with an outragious phone bill at the end of the month
The other concern is - is it one of those plans that you get a detailed list of the phone calls made? would it be a slip for you to feel the need to go snooping into who is he calling? (not saying that YOU would - I just know it would be difficult for me not to do to the detective thing if my A's relapsed)

Yes you think you would possibly have the ability to call him and check on him to see if he is ok - right? Hmm is it possible that he won't answer the phone if he's using or maybe somewhere he "shouldn't be"

And then there is the possibility of the new phone getting stolen and someone else charging up your phone bill

So please know I'm not trying to be negative about giving him the phone - I've been there - I've been there with an addict daughter with children with no phone and I've been there with a non addict daughter with children and just to irresponsible to pay her phone bill - both of them I have had to learn that I cannot provide them with a phone.
It's not healthy for me. It's not easy not being able get in touch with them - but it is the healthiest thing for me.

Wishing you the best as you decide what is best for YOU!!

HUGS,
Rita

blender_girl · Senior Member

((Ness))

I can relate to how you're feeling. I have noticed lately that if I have to ask myself if I should do something, chances are the answer turns out to be "Nope".

When in doubt, don't - seems like this may apply to your situation. Just my opinion, though. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Be good to yourself and do what's best for you, whatever that looks like.

hugs,

bg

miss lucy · Senior Member

you must do what you are comfortable doing....if you think its right to offer him a replacement then it is right for you! on the other hand....if you replace this phone, what happens the next time he loses/gets one knicked? much as you might like to you can't bail him out forever. he has to learn by his mistakes. a bit of tough love and detachment would be appropriate right now! difficult times but be brave and look after you!

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks guys....you are all telling me what Ive told myself....and yep Deb thats the bottom line and the one I keep coming back to.

As I pondered after I posted I was thinking why am I hesitating after all the blooming work Ive been putting in and then I had one of those lightbulb moments....its because of the work Ive been doing....HESITATION has been good.......... a year ago it would have been in the post immediately, pre-paid plan and all..... and probably a box of chocolate biscuits, bells and whistles in the parcel as well............

Lot of work to be done yet.....

Gratitude and (((((hugs))))

Ness xx

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Ness)))
Great processing Your decision sounds solid and wise.

This program taught me to Pause and THINK.Then talk things over with program people and then the answer would come.

Thank you for sharing your process You made me smile smile

-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 22nd of January 2010 06:29:25 PM

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Ness, I cannot even imagine the heartbreak of dealing with an addicted child. My heart breaks for you. I would never tell you what to do in this case, except to say this: You must follow your heart on this one, then do what it tells you to do.

With best wishes,

Diva

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