The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My wonderful recovering A of a husband moved out June 1. I cried and then painted the inside of the house. I have every instruction book out trying to figure out how the computer, television, chainsaw, etc. works. My husband would never show me or the boys how to be self sufficient. Not a problem, I called strangers to get things going. I took an overnight backpack trip by myself and I tell you it felt like the universe was supporting me.
My A has called me way more than I have called him. His job and new town are not what he thought it would be. He said he would come home on the weekends to help me with the chores and the boys. So he came and then said he didn't want to be responsible for me. He said that he wanted to do the right and ethical thing. I told him that lying to me wasn't very ethical. He said that he wanted to do something out of respect for our 30 years together. I told him that flirting with other women was disrepectful to me especially if we are still married. He said "I don't think, I don't feel, I don't have a plan and I can go on like this forever". But he knows when the next golf tournament is. Boy, do I feel manipulated.
I need to work on my boundaries and I figured that I really was only capable of small ones to start - like don't pop in on me without calling. I have dark days especially at night. I get very lonely but I listen to my tapes and let my dogs in. I have been going to f2f Alanon meetings and I am so humbled by others stories. I just have to look at this as a challenge and my A as a gift for me to learn about myself.
You have the support here -- encouragement and hope. You are doing amazing, taking care of yourself -- becoming self sufficient. Your children will learn so much too. Self confidence raises when you realize you are not dependent on one who is manipulative. It's ok to rely on one who will be there unconditionally for you. However, relying on one who "makes you pay" in some form or another is too high a price to pay.
I know it's lonely right now. But it will get better. I am separated almost two years now and I am not lonely anymore. In fact, I relish my time alone. I do things for me. I learned to like and appreciate me again. I love finding things right where I put them two weeks ago LOL (laugh out loud). I love when I accomplish something on my own.
Please keep coming and sharing. Join us in MIP Chat or Meetings too. When you are lonely, there is almost always someone there to talk to. You need never feel alone.
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
We are here for you ((((((((((Hugs)))))))) It sounds to me like you are a survivor and you are doing a great job of taking care of you :) Our journey through alanon is a life long journey and I am looking forward to mine. The alcoholic in my life is my 21 year old daughter but alanon helps me to cope with all my relationships. I too may be in your situation some day with how my marriage is going. Reading your post was an inspiration to me and helped me. Thank you for posting and I hope to see you in chat or on the message board soon. cdb :)
Sounds like you are doing really well, good for you. It's probably a surprise for him to see that you are OK, and not falling apart. Good. It won't hurt him at all to see that life is possible without that co-dependant dance that the two of you used to do. Keep working on your own happiness, he will do what he will do.
