The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I discovered a new term! "gas lighting" or one word, "gaslighting".
(from Wikipedia) "Gaslighting is a form of intimidation or psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory and perception. The classic example of gaslighting is to change things in a person's environment without their knowledge, and to explain that they "must be imagining things" when they challenge these changes."
I just realized this is something alcoholics do. Whenever we try to call them out on their drinking or otherwise challenge their denial, we are told that we "must be imagining things" or "we're crazy." Of course, by reacting to their insanity, we contribute to this situation.
Anyway, I love words, so it was nice to see that there's a term for something that happens to many of us.
__________________
"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish."
~ J. R. R. Tolkien
Yes, I love this term -- so useful. It is from the movie "Gaslight" with Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman. She keeps thinking the lights in their house (which are gas lights -- it's the late 1800s) get dimmer and he convinces her she's going crazy and imagining things. But they are getting dimmer, because of something evil he's doing. This so describes the way my own A husband made me doubt my own perceptions.
I've heard this also referred to as "crazy-making".
I'm thankful I can recognize this when my AH is doing this and it doesn't affect me like it used to any more.
Sample crazy-making:
Almost a year ago when his daughter moved in with us, I had to add her AND him to my health insurance policy, paying a lot more than I was when I was the only one on the policy. We discussed this added cost and we both agreed that he'd compensate by taking care of the monthly cable bill as it works out to the same cost every month.
AH manages his finances horrendously, (not a surprise... not many active alcoholics do manage finances well), and several times in the past, he wasn't going to be able to pay the cable bill. I went to watch a Pay Per View movie, find out we can't watch because the bill's overdue, so I ask my AH about paying the bill.
"Oh," he says, "I can pay half. You'll have to pay the rest."
Me, calmly "You can pay half if you want, but the bill is your responsibility, so you eventually need to make sure it all gets paid."
Enter the "I'll play dumb" crazy-making/gaslighting:
Him: "Since when did we ever agree to that?"
Me: "Back when I added you and J to my insurance policy and we made an agreement that because I was paying for your health insurance, you'd cover the cable bill because it's the same amount."
Him: "I don't remember having that conversation."
Me: "Well, this is the fourth time this has come up." And I leave it at that - I really don't care to pursue the issue further because then if I argue it, I "make it real."
I swear, sometimes I want to record our conversations or have them written down and have him sign the papers proving the discussion. However - knowing the alcoholic crazy-making, I'm sure he'd try to find a loophole even in THAT kind of hard evidence.
It's absolutely dumbfounding... and it's even worse if the AH is trying to cover something REALLY awful (there are things much worse than an unpaid cable bill).
In any case, I know the disease makes a liar out of him, so when he tries to pull the "play dumb" stuff, I just blow it off. Whatever. I know I'm not crazy - HE may be, though. Knowing I'm not imagining things and knowing this is standard behavior helps me keep my sanity.
It was a sad day when I realized that the "gaslighting" was done on purpose and was a diabolical scheme of his to try and manipulate me.
At first, I thought that such copious amounts of alcohol really pickled his brain and he really forgot stuff, but then I resorted to the "signed agreement" method of doing anything with him. I actually printed out very legal looking forms on my computer that I had us both sign, in front of witnesses, usually my mom or daughter, LOL.
Once I started doing that, when he realized that he was up against someone NOT willing to play his games, the games stopped.
He no longer "forgot" agreeing to stuff. He agreed to a LOT less, since he knew he would be held accountable, but at least he did what he agreed to.
That made me really sad, I realized he wasn't really sick and confused, just a mean manipulative LIAR.
I think that was a real hard pill for me to swallow when I realized my A did this to me, money would disappear and Id know it was where I put it and he'd try to make me think I was losing it instead of admitting it, etc...lots of examples of those situations. Luckily I came to realize his lack of honesty a long time ago. Ive lived his way for a long time but thankfully for these rooms Im learning to depend on myself and my HP.
