i am so sorry that you have come to this point.  it is hard to let someone go and may take a while for you to work through the grieving process of a dead marriage.  you will need tlc and support which i am sure you will find here and from other sources.  you are right....those cruel, damaging words that came out of his mouth must have cut you through to your very bones (i have been in your position although my first marriage ended after only 2 years ).  cruel as his words were please believe that they were meaningless and untrue!!!!  when someone blasts someone else like that it is called transference of guilt!!!  he laid everything at your doorstep so that he could walk away justified in his actions.  now he has gone you must work on healing yourself, on loving yourself again.  it is a long climb to the top of the hill but when you reach the summit you will be inspired by the beautiful view on the horizon.  Take care of you,  take no more rubbish from him and be reborn into a new, fulfilling life for yourself.  you are special. you are unique. you deserve it! 

((((((Brightmommy))))))),

Hugs to ya sister, you are going thru a hurtful and painful process...it is never easy to separate from the one's we love let alone in such a painful manner.

Let God and Let God comes to me, take it easy on you....I am sorry you are hurting so much.....I understand your pain, the cruel way it has to end is  very difficult. 

Please just try and take care of you........know you have support and love here.

Peace,
Andrea

-- Edited by Andrea12 on Thursday 21st of January 2010 10:44:06 AM

I am sorry your hurting so much right now  this disease is cruel and has no concience .  Your husb is blaming you for his problem ,  trust me you are not the reason he cheats alcoholism dosent care who it hurts and unfortuantley ifidelity is often a factor in relationships .  I have been where your at and it takes time to let go , but YOU deserve better  no one deserves to be treated that way . 
If your not already please find  meetings for yourself , you too need to recover from  the effects of someone elses drinking .
when he starts to compare u other women , walk away or hang up the phone its all booze talk anyway . take care of yourself get the focus on yourself  ,do'nt let this disease hurt you anymore .

((((Hugs))))) I would get a hold of the Toby Rice Drews book called "Getting them Sober" if you haven't already.  She has some good thoughts on Alcoholics being our "Tin Gods"...  we think they are so great and we revolve our whole world around them.., put them on pedistals and lose ourselves in them...    She challenges you to step back and see what you have really got.  One quote I loved was in response to the feeling of dred  on what if you lose him ..she say something to the effect of "put an ad in the newspaper that says, Wanted: One husband, no responsibilities expected, shelter, food, booze and laundry services provided, able to be drunk half the time, loving family waits patiently for your attention..." and see how may responses you would get,,.,."  Really, you may have not lost a lot...  Now you can focus on loving yourself and making yourself happy...  The other woman has really not stolen much of a prize, and odds are, she just makes it easier for him to continue with his disease by not establishing boundaries.  Or maybe she is even an A herself...  Forgive yourself for the mean things you said, they were in self defense and you did the best that you could with what you had...

Some alcoholics tend to be pretty mean and nasty.  I think expecting an alcoholic to be nice and kind is sometimes being out of sync with where they are.  I would highly recommend reading the book Getting them Sober.  That will give you an idea how to change your attitude towards them.  I now expect alcoholics to lie, try to dump on me and not have good boundaries.  I do not set myself up in the same way anymore.

Of course changing your expectation is not going to change overnight.  I have found it only after a lot of practice in detaching.  Of course you deserve better  but the reality is alcoholics are not generally kind sweet and understanding especially when they are acting out their disease.  They project their low self esteem on others.   Expecting to be validated by them is a set up.

Maresie.

Aloha Brightmommy...Arrrrgh was that tough for me outside of the program...Inside of
the program I could hear and do and heal like I didn't think possible because the pain
was so deep.  Actually most of it was on the surface...the new stuff hurt like hell and
I had gotten use to the old stuff (not good!!).  I learned to shut my mind off from all
of the words and actions which my minds used as evidence that I was not good
enough.  They were only words and they were from an alcoholic...not clear, not lucid
not true.  I learned to substitute feelings.  When the negative ones came up I went
for the opposite positive ones; opposite feelings have opposite outcomes.  I learned
to hang with the fellowship who loved me in a different and better way. 
Unconditional acceptance is much better than what I was looking for from the
alcoholic and never got.  I learned to place myself in my HP's hands and arms where
I knew for certain I was loved regardless.   I learned how to love myself and learn
the truth about me without accepting what I got from the alcoholic as the truth.  What
the disease tells us about ourselves is not nearly the truth and we don't have to
validate it or give it power any longer.   The face to face meetings of the Al-Anon
Family Groups is verification of that.  It's in the rooms that I learned the truth and
also here in MIP.

Feelings and thoughts are choices...choose the ones that help you get healthy and
let the others go.

In support (((((hugs)))))