The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I genuinely believe, especially after this week, that my HP leads me right where I need to be, right when I need to be there. Not in my time-but always in His.
To make a long story short, I set some boundaries this week-probally my first that I can really remember setting and thinking "I need to do this for me and my sanity". I set the boundaries which involved FOO issues, and though sad for the loss of communication with certain members of my FOO, I felt this HUGE sense of relief for the first time in AGES. I was free to express myself and not censor my every thought out of concern for others. I was allowed to be me.
I found out later, that my boundaries, and/or the way I set them, hurt someone I care a great deal for. It was through no fault of mine, just me trying to put me first for a change and remove myself from the drama, and through no fault of hers, it just was what it was, and she was hurt.
The codie in me freaked, and immediately felt this overpowering guilt. I had just finished reading some AlAnon literature telling me that it was ok to focus on me and set boundaries, and that my HP probally also made certain that the other involved parties were taken care of too by those boundaries, but that wasn't enough to calm me. The codie crazies when NUTS and all I could think of was how can I stop this person from hurting because of me, and immediately tried to reverse the boundary set (only with this one person).
Thanks to my HP because He made sure that she knew what I was doing and why-I genuinely believe He let her know what I was doing and why, and it was with the best of intentions but for all the wrong reasons. Needless to say it all worked out, the boundary stayed in place and my relief was restored, and the guilt was lifted.
It's funny how the codie crazy's overtook me and all I could think about was I hurt this person and I HAVE to fix it, and if that means my serenity then so be it-Always whatever it takes to please someone else in my codie world:):):)
I learned so much from this experience and it really made me see how much of a people pleaser I am and how I STILL after well over a year in this program, this time around, continue to feel the need to rescue those I care for and stop their hurt. It's funny how over time this program and the tools become part of who we are and no longer require such a conscience effort as they did early on. I know it will always be work but with practice it does come soooo much easier and I can stop and see what is.
I know my HP, whom I call God, was leading me, and I can only say the lesson learned was amazing. I realized it REALLY is ok to take care of me and that doesn't make me selfish or self centered, it doesnt mean I care less for anyone else,it makes me whole and recovering and able to love this person even more than I did before. This program NEVER ceases to amaze me!
Love and peace........ shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
hi shelley....sounds like you are having a bit of a revelation there! it really is ok to take care of you and you will find, as i have, that although the concept appears and feels a bit strange to begin with, once you start practising 'taking care of you' it will become a release. it will make you stronger, more focused, more determined and the more you love yourself the more others will love you. many of my friends have commented 'i dont know how you keep going', or 'you are one strong woman', or 'how do you get through each day?' i do what i do because i choose to...not because AH demands it, not because it is my duty as a wife and mother, not because it is expected of me but because i want to....i have my boundaries in place and when things are not right, or AH is on one i just walk away. I have passed the feeling guilty stage....i dont buy his beer, i dont buy his drugs, i dont run to his side when he demands it, and i certainly wont sit and listen to lame, pathetic excuses as to why he is drunk or stoned. i do not need the stress, i do not need the abuse, i do not need to be pitied by my friends and i will not allow myself to be blamed any more. i do have the sanctuary of my own place to run to which i think helps enormously. with practise, the detatchment from our loved one/s and the loving of oneself becomes easier. keep practising....and you will find your peace... huggs gilly
for me the codies came from a family of origin where I was made responsible for stuff that no child should be. Indeed even in adulthood my family of origin would be happy to pass on lots of stuff.
I am very very clear now that I do not permit people to dump on me. I also steer a very very wide berth of certain people. I don't doubt for one second they disapprove. Indeed someone I used to be quite close to recently sent me a really horrible text message which I have no doubt comes from her disappointment that she can't dump on me anymore. I didn't even feel a twinge of guilt.
I no longer explain my actions. I am also not as open and free with information about myself anymore. I have found certain people do not approve of that. I am fine with that because I no longer need every single person's approval. I do know that people pleasing has been very very hard for me. I also know that the more I understand the origin of the symptoms and the more I can be compassionate with myself about it rather than berate myself the easier it is to practice being good to myself rather than everyone else but me.
