The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi my friends. My last post on here was May 16th, 2008. I had just kicked out my husband, (AH) and I was nervous about starting over. I was living in Denver, CO then, finishing my Medical Assisting degree. Well almost a year after that post I graduated, and moved back to NY with my family. Since then I have met a wonderful man and I have never been happier.
Looking back, those 10yrs I was with my AH were some of the darkest times in my life. Yes I loved him, and I think the more you love an A, the more it hurts. I felt like my heart was being ripped out everytime he promised to get sober, and then came home drunk. My heart sank everytime he promised again, and then I would find tiny bottles, (shots), of liquor hidden in places.
I would drive myself crazy at times. He would be passed out drunk, and I would tear the place apart to find his stash....and then when I did, and poured it out it wasn't as much of a relief like I thought it would be because I knew as soon as he had the chance he would walk to the store and buy more.
I had no family out in Colorado while I was with him. But his family was so supportive of me. They even encouraged me to leave him - especially his mom. Even though she loved him so much, she knew I was better off without him. I don't know if I could have gotten through those times if she hadn't been there for me.
Looking back I remember feeling the nervousness in my stomach if he didn't come home on time. I would worry and wonder and wonder if he passed out on the bench again waiting for the bus, or gotten ran over crossing the road drunk at night.
I remember thinking and praying to God to please make me strong enough to leave, and to please help me not love him anymore because it just hurt too much. And you know what? It worked... I forced myself to distance myself from him. I detatched, and read the book How to get them sober - Toby Rice, and decided I didn't want to live like that anymore.
I guess after being let down, hurt, and disapointed so many times it wears you down so much you don't even see the light at the end of the tunnel. I finally had to face the fact that I couldn't help him. I had to say it over and over because I had tried so many times and exhausted myself trying to take care of him and love him and nothing worked. I had to face it - I could not heal him. And when I realized that and faced that horrific fact that there was nothing I could do - I cried again.
It's the worst feeling to love someone so much and to be so helpless, and to know you can't fix them.
I still come here to read posts and I still pray for him to get better.
I thank God everyday for giving that strength to move on with my life. I'm so happy now - I smile and laugh and I feel like I have my life back. I feel joy - and happiness. I don't miss being with my ex AH and feeling lonely, anxiety, worrying, heartache everyday. When you're with an Alcoholic all those feelings are magnified.
*sigh*...... thank you for this website and for alonon. I wouldn't have been able to stay sane through that time with out you :)
so pleased that you have come through your ordeal and your life is now so much more fulfilling. thankyou also for coming back and giving those of us who are still struggling with our individual ordeals the knowledge that with faith and determination we can improve our own lives. you are a testament to the strength of the programme and to the support of Alanon but also you are a testament to yourself for having the courage to pull yourself through some very dark times and find the light! your post made me happy and even more determined to see my ordeal through to its natural end....god bless you and may your days be filled with sunshine, laughter and love...you deserve it!
thank you so much. I am glad you were able to find help and solace from his family. I know the ex a's family were not helpful to me except for one uncle who was direct, kind, compassionate and clear about what I could do. I found that relationship incredibly helpful in setting limits on the ex A.
I do know the ex A's actions really unnerved me, obsessed me and upset me. I have made a point of not knowing where he is or what he is doing. I did that to protect me rather than show disinterest. I was way too over involved with his life and under involved with my own.
These days I can't say I am swimming in happiness. I struggle tremendously because of the ex a's actions. I am not in the best living situation and I am poor and underemployed. I did not find a nice person to date and I don't think I trust myself to make good judgments just at the moment. Nevertheless I do think my life has improved tremendously since I left the ex A. Indeed from the moment I started working the al anon tools my life improved greatly.
Thanks for your share. Welcome back. Keep coming back as they say in AA and Alanon. I want what you have. I do agree that the more you love the more it hurts. I pray for the courage to detach and for the strength to stand the pain. I can't imagine moving away from him and finding someone else. But he has certainly moved on from our life together.
