I told him i loved him and then i walked away - Al-Anon Family Group

tryingtofindaway2009 · Member

I told him i loved him and then i walked away

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Addicts are at their finest when they manipulate us. He says," I will do dishes, would you go to the barn and get some hay for the horse?"

Meanwhile he has been in my purse getting pills.

On this board, have seen it NUMEROUS times, after we get the strength and are ready to have them leave, they make ANY promise to slide back. I have not see any that I can remember that did what they said.

So ok what if he was not A. A guy says I will get a job, go to couseling for depression, fix your car I wrecked IF you will let me move back home.

We have KNOW they have to care for themselves FIRST in order to get better. If we take them in, the disease wins. It is comfy again. It KNOWS that if the A is out there struggling, miserable, hungry, scared, sick that he or she may get sick enough, want to get well soooo badly they will walk into AA and go to rehab on THEIR OWN.

Its hard to face as we are nurturers, we love them we care. But sadly to do anything, anything for them, makes the disease strong and it gets our A even deeper into the game.

Hon this is my experience. YOU are using your pretty and smart noggin by asking! Good for you, that is progress and you are on the right road.

MUCH love,debilyn

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Trying)))))))),

His program is on him...whatever he does has to be on his own as you are in the place for you. It's awful how we become co dependent on the disease.... we always think we have to fix it.

Trust me when I tell you we can't, seems like you took a very big step, try and stay true to your words....sounds like you said what you meant but didn't say it mean....that is progress....try and give yourself moment to think.....if you can make some face to face meetings great...keep coming back....keep the updates on the progress flowing....

Give yourself some serenity and peace if only for a moment.

With love,
Andrea

shellyj123 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((trying)))))

I can't and won't give you advice, as it's been a longggggg time since I dealt with a functioning A.

I do however know from experience there is nothing quite as hard as walking away from someone you love and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

shelly

CJ098 · Veteran Member

I remember when I kicked my AH out. I was relieved and scared at the same time. What I did was write down a list of all the bad things he had done, how he made me feel and why I kicked him out and why I shouldn't talk to him. I was on the phone with everyone all the time just to talk to me and get me through weak moments. And when I started to miss him, or when he called and sounded sober and like his old self - I read my list - and it kept me strong. We're not really supposed to give advice on here, just experiences that may help. My AH said a lot of things but did nothing to help himself. Even after I kicked him out and for the 50th time promised to get help and I told him to get help and then I'd think about it - he didn't. That was my answer, because if he really wanted to make it work and if he really wanted to get help - then he would have. I wish you the best.

Festfan · Veteran Member

(((((hugs))))) Good luck - I am sending you strong, positive internet thoughts!

Great ESH above about making a list - I started doing that in my roller coaster (that I am still on) - it helps to remind myself of the negative experiences that we want to forget.

Peace.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha CJ..."making it work" is about getting clean and sober at any cost inspite of
the "others" in their lives. They get clean and sober because to not do it means
insanity and death. They get and stay clean and sober inspite of their relationships
are on the line. The greatest relationships in proper order to a recovering alcoholic
is first; a Higher Power or God of their understanding (just like Al-Anon), Second an
understanding and experienced sponsor and then the fellowship because this
person and the fellowship know the disease of addiction on a level the Al-Anon
has trouble coming to understand (again just like Al-Anon) and lastly but not always
remaining that way, the spouse, family, friends, associates, bosses and the like.

"I love you and I'm walking away" worked for me also along with lessons about
setting enforceable boundaries. If it isn't enforceable...it isn't a boundary.

Keep on coming back...good practice. (((((hugs))))) smile

RunnerChick · Senior Member

The hardest part is KNOWING we love someone and want a life of our dreams WITH them, the only factoring being their inability to want recovery as much as we do.
As I become more aware of my powerlessness over the disease, it frees me up to make a decision about the way I wish to live my life.
Many days it feels like too large a task to shoulder - this individual who I wish to be my partner having such a disease that produces his inability to "show up" for the relationship, not to mention life.

I have been reflecting on this alot, in the wake of my breakup. Even though my A is clean and TODAY appears to be working a program of recovery, I am aware of the insidiuous clouds of doubt and disease that linger - for both of us. My codependency and 'anon'-isms are also deadly for me - figuratively and literally.

An old and wise sponsor of mine used to remind me of her decision in her relationship. One day she may be able to be with her signficant other/the A in her life but that day is not today.
This hope is helpful for me in moving through this one day at a time.
You're not alone. Your confusion is so familiar to me.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.