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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> New and scared
Post Info TOPIC: New and scared
HawkRN


Newbie

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New and scared
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Hi, I'm new to Al-Anon, infact, last night I went to my first meeting.  I was nervous and didn't know what to expect, but it went well!  Everyone was very welcoming and I learned a few things!  Now the scary part is trying to accept the fact that I need help and can't do this on my own.  I've always been the type of person to keep my problems to myself (don't want to burden anyone else, I'm asshamed of them, etc.).  I've been reading through some of the posts on here and I'm hoping that maybe if I start talking about things here in this "safe", annonymous place maybe I will get to the point of talking with family and friends. 

Anyway, I'm involved with an alcoholic who says that he wants to get help, he goes to AA meetings on a more regular basis, but he still drinks.  Our story is kinda complicated...we dated for 4 years and lived together 2 of those years.  That was 10 years ago.  At that time he did drink, but I did not consider him to be an alcoholic, but he did use drugs.  I knew about the marijuana, but come to find out there was more.  In hind sight I saw the signs, but I think I just didn't want to believe them.  We broke up.  That was one of the hardest things I've been through in my life.  I loved him and thought I would spend the rest of my life with him.  Long story short, over the next few years I got over him. He would call periodically and we'd talk briefly, but I was going on with my life. I wanted to be his friend because that is what we started out as.  During that time, he went to rehab and stopped using "drugs".  (I put that in quotes because he still drank alcohol, which I know is a drug too)  He also got married and had a child...things I thought we were suppose to do.  Well, that brings me to now, or I should say November, 2008.  His wife left him and he was going through a very difficult time and he attempted suicide.  Before this it had been months if not a year since I had spoke to him.  I found out that this had happened & I wanted to get in touch with him and see how he was, but before I had...he called.  For those first few months, we talked maybe a few times a week.  I was his friend, and I thought I could be just that.  Well, then things just kinda progressed, and I have fallen in love with him again.  See, he was the one I always thought I'd end up with.  So, I'm here because I'm in love with an alcoholic.  I am realizing that as much as I want to help him, or think I'm helping him, I can't.  This scares me to death...I'm a fixer, a healer, I want to make bad things better.  And I don't know how to stop being this way.

 I am wondering if any of you think that it is possible this relationship will survive.  He is a great person and we have a lot of fun.  He's easy to talk to and my best friend.  He doesn't drink everyday, which he used to.  He knows he has a problem and he is trying to do something about it, but he has bad days.  Also, what do I say when he calls and I can tell he's been drinking, but when I ask he lies and says he's not.  I'm not stupid and I can tell he is, but if I confront him he just gets defensive.  I don't know what the right thing to do is.

Sorry I rambled on, thanks for listening (reading).



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Jozie


~*Service Worker*~

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(((((((((((((HAWKRN)))))))))))))))))


WELCOME TO MIRICLE IN PROGRESS... Welcome to your Safe Place...

I have been here myself for a little over a year, and you will find Great Wisdom here, Wonderful People, and TONS of Support... I think it is Wonderful that you went to your 1st F2F meeting, and found this sight... That is Proof you want to improve your currant life... That is Wonderul... Hints.. Progress Already... ;o)

Alcoholic/Addicts are Sick People, I can say that for I have the issue to prove it... ;O) And it isn't for ME to say what THEY Need... But I Can set up boundrys that keep me Safe from their Manipulation, and Lies... EX... I wont be around you when your like that, I wont listen to your Excusses, Nor Do exspect you lieing when I know the truth... What you do when they are broken only you can decide, but after MUCH PRACTICE... It will begin to stick and you will see improvement on your end...

This Program only works if you put the time in, There is So Much to be gained by the ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) of others here, that in time you will be Very Pleased you Found us.. :o)

No one here can tell you what to do, but we can support you in your decissions.. That is who we are... Support, for the Tough Days, Support for the Good days, Support for the Triumphs and support for the shortcomings, and the list goes on... Once you see HOW WORTH IT YOU ARE... You will see what it is you except, and where to go from there...

Only thing I have to worry about today... Is Right NOW... This Minute, and leave the rest for God to sort out... Thats all I can control.. Not My Alcoholics...

When I first started, a WONDERFUL Gift for me was the Serenity Prayer... I would say it before my feet hit the floor, and as I needed it thru out the day to remind myself of the things "I" can Control & The things "I" Can't Control...

GOD... Grand me the Serenity to except the things (ALcoholic) I can Not Change
The Courage to change the things I Can (ME)
And the Wisdom to know the Differance...

May sound silly, but has worked for me more times then not, and many here... I hope that you continue to come here, and visit, and Share, and get to know some folks here, you'll be glad you did... Be Easy on You, and Enjoy getting to know your New Group of Friends...

Please take what you like and leave the rest... KEEP COMING BACK :o)

Friends in Recovery... pray.gif

Jozie

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Thee Only Journey I Control Is MY Own :)

Gratitude.... Is a God Honoring Attitude! :D
canadianguy


~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Hawk, and welcome to MIP.... Nobody here, least of all me, is qualified to tell you whether or not this relationship will be successful or not.... What you have done, however, is taken an all-important first step by starting on your recovery, learning, etc.... I'd encourage you to keep up f2f meetings, and posting here, and also to start finding books that might help you....  One that I always recommend is "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews.

You mention (several times) that your guy is "trying", but to be honest, he doesn't sound like he really is....  He's had enough evidence in his life thus far to probably realize he is an alcoholic, but he's trying to "cut down" and/or "control" his drinking, which ultimately will not work.... All classic signs of a person "pre-recovery" so to speak - sounds like he knows he has a problem, but hasn't quite accepted that he honestly needs to deal with it....  The reality, that is about HIS recovery, and not yours....

You've taken a great first step here - I encourage you to continue your growth

Tom

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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
jasobel


Veteran Member

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Posts: 63
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I am rather new at this myself - been in alanon 4 months now, but I remember when I went to my first meeting how scary it was. You should give yourself credit for having the courage to go! That is a good first step in taking care of yourself. Noone here will tell you what you should do. Some leave the alcoholics in their life, some stay. I was with my boyfriend for 2 years before he left me for someone else. During that time he would drink and be sober - attend meetings or not attend meetings - but it finally got to the point where I realized my life was out of control that I came to alanon. Now despite the fact he is gone - I need alanon more than ever.  Whether you stay with him or not you will need alanon. So keep coming back. Keep reading, keep coming here and reading the other posts, keep praying

Jill

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Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3653
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welcome! As you learn more and more thru al anon your answers will come.

We never know if any relationship will work. I do relate to your feelings. It is good you love him and care. He is very fortunate!

My esh is to share that for me, to keep things in my name,not share any finances including bank accounts, cr. cards, house, car, etc in my name. As the disease of Aism will take it all away. Or more than likely will.

They are so very sick. Good for him for going to meetings! We neven know when they may hit that time they want to get on a program of recovery.

There are also open meetings you can go with him if he and you agree. I loved doing that. Learned so much.

I am glad you found us. This site is full of very special people willing to share their experiences with you.

Hope to see ya stick around. You are not alone and we do care.

love,debilyn

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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
tryingtofindaway2009


Member

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Posts: 8
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hello,
I came to this site in about october, it was scary to talk about the one i love and we actually have a similar story.... me and mine were together through highschool broke up and five years later i found myself back inlove... i've been fighting his addiction for the past year. the one thing i had to realize is there are a few different ways individuals handle facing the one the loves addiction. some stick through it for years until they can't take it anymore, some call it quits when the addiction appears, others like myself pucsh the pause button on the relationship and place the options out there. I kicked my addict out just over two weeks ago and broke up with him four days ago and told him when he wanted to continue our life without his addiction and after treatment he could come back. Its a hard thing to love an addict even a harder one to decide what to do. just know it is not your falt what they do to themselves and only you can decide when your heart has taken enough. Please keep coming back and writing, it has helped me alot.

Sincerely,
Tryingtofindaway2009

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abbyal


~*Service Worker*~

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Hello and welcome , as to confronting him when drinking total waste of time as u have said he lies . Trust your gut and trust what your seeing and hearing , there is no need to say anything about his drinking when he calls , u know what u know , learning to say NO  as a complete sentence takes time ,with out justifying why or explaining how u feel , which is also a waste of time . Is it possible to have a relationship ? yes it is but please find meetings for yourself u need support , u will learn about the disease of alcoholism and how it is affecting your life ,u will learn to detach with love from his behavior while u get on with your life .
(I'm a fixer a  healer ) sheeeesh thats a big job girl , one I gave up along time ago , al anon has given me the oportunity to help others find them selves but  has also shown me when to stop and let them go . everyone has the right to be the captain of thier own ship .
Keep going to your meeting , come here and share  take care of you and your going to be just fine  .  Louise

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I came- I came to-I came to be
Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

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Aloha (((((Hawk)))))  Re-read your post as if it were someone elses' story.  Fixers
need fixing too.  My fixing was an attempt at the impossible and it failed.  In the
end what worked was her complete abstinence from alcohol (just like it's recommended
in AA and the Journal of American Medicine) and several other thousands of recovering
alcoholics who had walked the talk and practiced the program.  I have to learn to say
in my head, heart and actions..."No I cannot do that" because I can't and then turn the
alcoholic over to a power greater than both of us and to a recovery program that works
when they work it as suggested...I then have to turn myself over to a program that will
help me to fix my broken self in the same manner.

In AA and the Big Book of alcoholics anonymous it is said that "God can do for me what
I cannot do for myself".  I learned that in Al-Anon also and believe it to be true absolutely.
I have to remember that God's name is God and not JerryF and on top of that I am not
the only Son of God.

I learned how to feel compassion and not pity; empathy and not sympathy...that allows
me today to not go beyond a suggestion in helping and support rather than attempting
to do the impossible.  Going to AA and still drinking isn't sober.  It's still drinking rather
than not.   It wasn't so much that my alcoholic wife learn that but that I did and then
lived my own life.  

Keep coming back and reading and listening for the suggestions that worked for others
and then follow thru on that...it's what fixes us and for sure we do break and are repair-
able.

(((((hugs))))) smile

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Iamhere


~*Service Worker*~

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Just a quick welcome to you!  I'm new here also but so far see some great help and folks!

Glad you are here...

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
maresie


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 4578
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I'm so very glad you are here. There are numerous people on this board who had warm loving relationships with an active alcoholic.  Their stories might help you. There is a mixed bag and everyone has a right to their decisions. 

Whether you have a good relationship with him or not, al anon can certainly help you to learn new tools.  I know denial was a real tool for me when I was around the alcoholic and there was also a sense that I could help him.  Over time I came to know that my helping him wasn't actually that directed and I learned many many ways to approach what I used to think were impossible situations.

If you have a moment think about getting a copy of the book Getting them Sober.

I do believe al anon can help you tremendously and I am so glad you are here.

Welcome.

maresie.

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maresie
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