The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm sitting here, tears and all trying to write my post.
I guess since I've got 2 Active As in my home, I am extremely powerless. At times, I feel so powerless and confused, action is difficult.
I did go to a meeting last night, and that was a good thing. I tried to go today, however the Ason got put on call for work, and had to be driven back @ meeting time.
I know my son is almost of age, and I know that his disease is in the driver's seat for his choices, attitudes and behaviors. As I consider boundaries and detachment, I just get very sad. A part of me screams that 'this is my baby', while another part of me knows he is active in his disease.
The girlfriend broke up with him last night for good, and he's upset/depressed. I don't know how to listen and be there without attaching. I have always been a fix-it person and so....my first reaction is to offer advice or other 'words' of wisdom that make him angry.
So - my question - how do you attach from a child that still lives with you? And, be OK with it on a regular basis? I can find alone time by escaping to my bedroom, taking a walk, etc. but then feel as if I'm making myself unavailable for my second child.
ESH would be awesome.
My tears are of extreme sadness. Going to a meeting last night was a trigger for me on how giving and marvelous the 12 step programs are. My not-so-currently-healthy thinking process turns to my son. My sadness became extreme when I realized how much of life he has already missed and will miss by refusing the outstretched hands of the program.
My life before recovery and after recovery are beyond night and day. So - while a meeting calmed my mind, it surely stroked my heart.
Thank you for listening/reading!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Iam...Give yourself a break with the realization that you haven't been here as long as some of us and none of us learned this overnight. For me difficulties with detachment some of them anyways was because of entrenched beliefs and values and behaviors that I had become convinced was how it was supposed to be done. I learned those from family, school, church, clubs etc. "This is how we do things Jerry F and this is how you will do them also." No one asked or had the answer for "What if it doesn't work and things get worse?" Rarely when that came up I was told to press on and I did and of course Wallah!! things got more worse. I was taught to enable situations to get worse until I got into the program of the Al-Anon Family Groups. "Detachment!!" wasn't even whispered in those days much less even mentally considered so I created a habit with what didn't work.
Also I was given the illusion of power and power is an illusion for many reasons especially when the person trying to exercise it believes they are endowed with it. If that person is trying to exercise power over an alcoholic they are attempting what is irrational...therefore the last word of the 2nd step which we get from surrender not power.
Part of my recovery was to discover all the old laws and lessons and culture I use to live in that wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't work and over come them, change them, trash them. I was lied to...This stuff doesn't work!! is what I learned to scream when I first got here practicing the unworkable and I abandoned those practices and sat still in the rooms of Al-Anon listening and watching for what did.
One important lesson...Most times what it is that I am trying to force or wish to change for the better will get better beyond my expectation if I leave it alone. If I am available and able to help I will ask if my help is desired and if I am unable (don't have the time, ability or facility) to help I will be curtious and grateful and not interfere. I will learn how to say "no" or "I don't know...ask someone else". I will express compassion when I am compassionate and not attempt to play god cause I don't know the role or script.
In time as I listen and learn I will get detachment better, never perfect and I accept that. When I need more attention with it I will ask for it.
You've already done some that...now more time; more practice. You have to keep coming back. (((((hugs))))
I dont have kids but I was severly attached to my mother until I was nearly forty and truly began working program, focusing on me, loving me as my first priority, MYOB & detaching from everything else. I imagine it is harder to deatch from your child bc until they are 18 you are legally responsible for him, plus your kid - is "your" creation essentially. But he is is own individual human being with his own spiritual walk and as u said, he's almost of age.
It is natural that we feel something when someone we care about is hurting, that is empathy. What I had was totaly emotional enmeshement with my mother, very sick indeed - it took on her feelings constantly - I guess I thought that by doing that, I was showing how much I cared, just like all the times I tried to martyr myself. If you sacrifice yourself to the point of neglect - well that is self abuse and it was not loving to me.
You can have (what I call) inner boundaries - where u can be perfectly alright, even while a loved one is in crisis. For me it took, boundaries, following through before I felt emotional detachment - like I was my own whole being, not tied emtionally anymore.
If you intervene and save ur kid, every time they are about to get hurt - they dont get life expereince. You have to detach and step back, otherwise they just resent you for "giving advice". I would say, tell your son, you are sorry he is heart broken and leave it at that - that way you are validating the feelings, showing compassion but not offering anything that could be resented later. You are just being there, loving & supporting.
We all take a spiritual walk in life. Our lessons, arent our family's lessons, we have our own unique life. You can be ok, even though he is depressed. Just like the disease -- u are powerless over it. Focusing on their behavior feeds the disease and you lose you. Focsu on you and you are not feeding the disease. If you focus on your son's broken heart - you are losing yourself. He will recover but allow him the space and dignity to wallow in his broken heart, if that's what he needs to do for now. It is ok. If ur upset for him or worried, pray about it, give him over to HP/God and then re-focus back on you and enjoy ur other younger child.
Broken hearts are a part of life ~ I'm sorry you're hurting, is enough said. He is getting life experience.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thanks all ---- I just keep trying to move forward and fear holds me back. I am still in denial, I suppose that my ASon wants the life. I spent most of the day biting my tongue, praying to not react when he starts his drama. Then, when I get moments, I just am so sad for all he's missed and will miss.
Perhaps I'm having a bad day, or a bad moment in my day. I am tired of crying and I am tired of feeling so anxious around him. We were so close for so long that my heart just aches and breaks for what used to be.
<<<Hugs to both>>> - you ESH means more than you know.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I certainly have concerns for others. In fact I have a lot of concern at the moment with two friends of mine.
I'd say what changed for me in al anon is that now my concern is enough. I do not have to be perfect and "fix" them, change them or save them. My concern and time is worth a lot. My caring is worth a lot. I do not have to extend things beyond that. I might want to and feel frustrated by their inactions but I also respect that they will find a solution and have their own path rather than think I can dictate it to them.
My concern does not keep me up at night. My concern does not make me sick to my stomach. My concern does not obsess me. My concern is both loving to me and loving to them.
I know that overwhelming feeling, I used to say it was like wearing concrete boots, couldnt move or think one way or the other.
I remind myself every day that I am detaching from the disease and I really focus hard on how I communicate and verbalise stuff with the A to keep anger and blame out of my voice and also not to show my fear.....addicts feed of that and run with it.
Kitty talked about inner boundaries, I like that..... thats exactly where I started and detachment for me was the natural progression from that.....the disease no longer controls my life and that has freed me and enabled me to show compassion and love to my son.....but the disease is his....ALLhis.
Theres a Toby Rice Drew book for parents of teenagers who have drink or drug problems, Getting Your Children Sober, its a good book.
Hope you are feeling better today......take it slow......take it to meetings....bring it here. Dont be alone.
Thanks all....I believe my brain and heart are so disconnected that a stop and regroup is necessary. I had a bit of 'down' time last night and just got quiet, prayed and medidated.
This is so very hard for me as I am ADD and I've allowed myself to 'be numb' for so long. Needless to say, I had an 'ahaa' moment - followed my extreme sadness. I am so very sad that the disease has won, for now with my son.
Knowing in my head and heart how cunning, baffling and powerful this disease is, I was still holding on to some fantasy that I could beat this disease for my son.
For today, I am more calm. As sad as I was last night, I am grateful for the news I got last night, and believe I'm really willing and ready to give up that fight. This struggle in me has been a battle for a long while, and it sucks.
I need to know learn how to do what you all are suggesting. I need to set boundaries, I need to understand detachment before I can do it and mostly, I need to be a kinder person to me.
I have a counseling session with our family counselor this afternoon, and plan a meeting this evening.
**My son just called me and he just got fired.** Boy oh boy --- need to stay on target for my goals. Wish me well, send me strength and anything else you have.
Thanks to all.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It sounds as though your son is getting more practice at being grown-up, and you are too. I read once on a recovery blog that pain is a sponsor who gives us wonderful motivation to get well. Take care of yourself -- keep getting lots of support -- come back here often.
Good morning all. Well ... we survived day one of the firing. While I wanted to do many different things, based on my patterns of 'support' (enabling), I just looked at him and was able to sincerely say that I was sorry he had been fired.
I did not ask what happened. I did not ask anything. Later, last evening, he talked a bit about the job, the place, etc. He had a confict/conficts with one manager there and from the beginning, this guy had been 'difficult'. This manager called my son a retard, nudged him a few times - very inappropriate no matter your role.
He did suggest he had not been fired before and I reminded him of 2 previous lost jobs due to treatment centers. He flaired up on me, and said those were not his fault, I was at fault since I put him into them.
At that point, I said goodnight and shut the door. I did not respond, I did not engage, I just went my way down the hall. He had a tough day, got fired, got drug-tested and had court school. He looked a bit stressed - we'll see how today goes.
I woke up here today to no heat - our furnace has decided to stop working. It's a bit cold in here, so need to chase a repairman. I am a bit anxious about being here with my son (alone - my husband went out of town to work) - he's a huge instigator and button-pusher. My hope is with what I've learned so far, and the serenity prayer, I'll manage to get by.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
