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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Enmeshment.
Post Info TOPIC: Enmeshment.
maresie


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Enmeshment.
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I came from a family where the parents reversed roles with the children.  Somehow I became responsible for my younger sister's school phobia (I think to this day she still believes that),  I was responsible for their poverty, isolation and desperate secrecy.  So when I hear the word "selfish" or "uncaring" my triggers go off. 

I do know that these days people who I was formerly enmeshed with do not appreciate my boundaries one little bit. They've tried to test them at every avenue.  In the beginning I found that very very hurtful. These days I accept it and I still hold to the boundary. For some people my becoming unenmeshed triggered a lot of rage for them. That is after all their modus operandi (as it was mine) and they took it very very personally.

Setting limits is very very difficult for me.  I am in a foreign land navigating a new language and way of being  I know it will be foreign for a long long time.  What I do enjoy and cherish is that I no longer am saturated with resentment (anger sometimes but not the poison of resentment) I know pretty early on if I am dealing with someone dysfunctional and adjust accordingly.  I'm aware daily of where I end and others begin.  I know when I was with the ex A that was not the case.



Today my future is in my hands and my HP's too.  Before I blamed every single thing in my life on my family of origin and the ex A.  I no longer hand my life over to someone else and at the same time I am still learning a new language, new territory and a whole new way of being and it feels awkward new and very very foreign.

maresie.



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maresie
Tracy


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wow,
I am being challenged made to feel uncaring, selfish and having guilt pushed on me by my close friend.  I have always done everything she wanted.  Today I am focusing on my life and wow she is behaving really unacceptably.  Your shares always help me I want to love and care for me the stronger I get the better i feel about me and the more control I am getting over my life.  But some people can not cope with the changes.  I want my friend in my life but she wantsme to be the old me, I am not this person anymore.  Thanks again if she does not respect my boundaies then I will have to leave her behind.

hugs


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shellyj123


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((((Maresie))))

thank you soooo very much for the share! 

I also am traveling in foreign lands when it comes to setting boundaries.  I've ALWAYS taken care of everyone around me BUT me and recently decided I could no longer let my family of origin keep robbing me of my serenity and set some boundaries.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I know in my heart it was what was best for me, my program and my relationship with them.

I love the ending to your post "Today my future is in my hands and my HP's hand"!  And I am loving letting it up to us!!!!

Love and peace,

shelly



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canadianguy


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That is very cool, and a great reminder that although unhealthy people will likely push back and dislike our boundaries, healthy people will likely appreciate them.... As we surround ourselves more & more with healthy people, it's all good!!

Tom

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Jerry F


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Great share Maresie...I'm a visual person and "enmeshment" just doesn't give me good
perspective...Nets with fish caught in them or a whale all wrapped in a drifting drag net
or porpoises sentenced to die in them.   Enmeshment is not a happiness and joy word
for my spirit.  Been there and don't do that anymore.    ((((hugs)))) smile

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maresie


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I have certainly been there with the disapproval.  I do understand how very hard it is to change.  I had to because I could not go on anymore. Some people don't.  I know my family of origin, specifically my younger sister really objects to the fact I no longer gossip about other family members.  That's her territory.  Without gossip there is no relationship or rather the relationship is her passive aggression because I won't join her in resenting anymore.  I feel sad but I also feel like resentment is so so toxic for me I have to really limit how much I take on. When I lived with the ex A I lived, ate and breathed it and I was very very very sick.

Maresie.

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maresie
hotrod


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Hi Maresie

That was an awesome post  Thank you. 

I agree setting boundries, validating ourselves,  letting go of destructive people does seem difficult in the beginning but with trust in HP and this program this journey  become vry rewarding.

Thank you for sharing your journey


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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

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Debilyn


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I enjoy your shares so much Mary. You journey is an inspiration. I know I say this all the time.

Just that its so cool to see your Miracle. love,deb

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blender_girl


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Wow ((maresie)) - what a powerful post!

Thank you so much for your insight and ESH - it was just what I needed to hear today.

hugs,

bg

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