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why is he so damn selfish? I swear he thinks the world revolves around him. everything is his way...what we watch, eat for dinner, board games we may play. and if i have a different opinion it's like dealing with a pouty 4 year old. but then it's me...i'm just a complainer and he does nothing right. oh he's always the victim...poooor me. the kids' moms are always at me...well, what dummy reproduced with 4 women? check the mirror einstein!! no one forced you to be stupid! yet I'M the one he claims treats him like 'xxxx' ... the minute I voice an opinion or tell him I won't tolerate something. OH it's ALL me. and if I come home in a less than sunshine and giggles mood? "what's wrong? what did I do?" like it's always gotta be about him?? Like I don't have a life outside the prison that has become my relationship? He makes me feel like I'm losing my ever-lovin' MIND!
-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 19th of January 2010 12:44:42 PM
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
I could have written your exact post, word for word.... I have been coming to this website for almost a year now and have seen many others post the exact same thing. It is a symptom of their disease... Just make sure that you don't fall for it and begin to believe what he is telling you! Take care of yourself, treat yourself kindly and make yourself come first. Do things for you, that you want to do, when you want to do them, because you can be sure that he will not do them for your.... I found that since I started doing this, his "bo-hoo stinking thinking" has become almost like a predictable movie... Now, I can watch him and listen to him go on and on, about the same old things.. "you don't love me, you are mad at me, what have I done, you always get what you want, you are soooo controlling, I do everything to make you happy and you do nothing for me.. boo hoo hoo.." but the whole time I know it is just his disease talking, and that none of it is true and is, in fact, exactly the opposite, he is just echoing back to me the things he really feels about himself.... Because I detach, none of his attacks reach "me" and it is almost like he was saying all these things to the air. When he is finished with his pity party and is in a better mood, I could enjoy his company without being bitter at him and holding grudges...
I am still working on ways to be able to better detach from the direct effects of his selfishness, including saving to go buy another TV so that he can go to another part of the house in another room when he decides that it would be a good idea to watch a totally inappropriate show when the children are awake.. And if he refuses, then we will leave. Detach, detach, detach...
Obviously I no longer live with an alcoholic in an intimate setting. I do live around alcoholics and I know personally that their self absorption is a symptom of their disease. My obsession with fixing others was once a symptom of mine.
Detaching is incredibly hard work around an alcoholic but very very worth it. The more I detach the more I do not take such behavior personally. I am affected by it certainly but no longer devastated and full of resentment at it. The more I set limits hold to them and focus on myself the less I am obsessed with changing others.
I've been dealing with this today too. My AH's favorite selfishness is using all the hot water in his shower... because it's not like I might need to be clean or anything! OH and right now, as I type this, he's also washing his clothes with hot water... guess I'll be waiting another hour for my shower! Good thing I don't have much to do today. ;) He also is big on the "we're going to do things when I want to do them" mentality.
This is when I find the "it's the disease talking" mentality to be helpful. It's not HIM, it's his disease. The disease is so focused on keeping itself alive that it narrows his focus down to just himself.
And what can I do about that? Absolutely nothing! That's the first part of the Serenity Prayer right there! "...to accept the things I cannot change..." Can't change his selfishness, that's for sure! So hang on to your serenity! :)
-- Edited by intothewoods on Tuesday 19th of January 2010 03:27:17 PM
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"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish."
~ J. R. R. Tolkien
Detachment...Go to the index on your daily readers and read all the pages on it. Call your sponsor and ask about detachment and the different angles of what it looks like, sounds like, smells like and tastes like. Go to your face to face meetings and chair on the subject of detachment and sit and listen deeply and learn and then practice what is being done....Detachment with love, disinterest, anger, compassion and the different types. Reach out to those who seem to have it down better than others and ask "Please teach me about detachment". Write about it and compare it to what you do that doesn't work out and pray for the courage to change the things you can so you can change what you're doing that isn't working as well as it could. When you reach one of those examples where you recognize that the alcoholic is in your life but not your life...do a detachment dance or cheer (you get to design it) and move to the next level. It works if you work it...all of it. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you all for your replies, Missy, yours especially hit a chord in me. When you said he is just echoing back the things in himself it just resonated. That is one thing he said to me when he was working his program really well, how inadequte he feels in a relationship b/c he doesn't know how to have a healthy one. He would go on about trying not to dwell on where he feels deficient. I'm going to think of you and when he starts I'm putting up a rubber wall, let the words just bounce away from me. I'm keeping you in my mind as strength that you deal with the same thing. and then when he's Mr sunshine again, which always is, and wants to be lovey dovey and spend time I will be able to do it willingly and not feel angry or like I'm doing some great service "being nice to him after how he treats me". because by holding on to all this stuff I'm just hurting myself. He's not concerned about what his words do, he forgets them the minute they leave his mouth. Thank you again everyone!
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
I have learned that active OR recovering A's are selfish period.
Someone once asked me why I kept expecting an ill person to treat me with respect and to maintain a meaningful relationship with me. Alot of people here have told me that when the A speaks, you can imagine SICK written on his forehead. That helps to remain detached. I've also learned to imagine the little things he says or does as hooks, that hook me back into the drama and chaos. I don't have to take the bait and I can learn to take care of me.
