The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I talked with my brother last night and told him that he had 3 weeks to find another place to live. He was very understanding and didn't seem to be upset. And then after we both went to bed and the house was quiet, I could hear him crying in the next room. Needless to say, I have felt like a complete heel ever since. It's the most bizarre thing. It's like he's 2 different people. When he's drinking, he's 10 feet tall and bullet-proof and can be the biggest, most selfish jerk on the face of the planet. And then at times when he's not drinking and trying to go to meetings and trying to work his program, he can be the most humble, meek person I've ever known. And it breaks my heart to make that person cry. Is that just a common trait of alcoholics?? To have almost split personalities like that?? I love my brother (especially when he's being good) and it really hurts to see him like this, but I keep telling myself that making him try to stand on his own two feet is really helping him more than letting him stay at my house rent-free and consequence-free. I really do just want to help him. He has 2 daughters, ages almost 13 and almost 12, and I want to see him be independent, for his sake and for theirs! It's so hard to know when you're legitimately helping and when you're actually hurting by trying to help. I hope I've done the right thing. My head and my conscience are taking me in two different directions!!
Thank you all for the support and encouragement. I guess I always thought my family dynamic was unique, but I'm learning that it's not so much my family dynamic as it is the impact that my brother's disease has on the family dynamic. This is hard.
I know exactly how you feel. My Abf is "dry" and when he's working his program he's loving and attentive and a wonderful father. It's like my best friend is back again. But when he neglects his program and meetings he's surly and mean, self righteous and judgmental. he makes me almost hate him. Actually he makes me wish he would just drink. It is just like them having split personalities and I, like you, hate hurting the sweet, kind, loving man I know he is capable of being. I am realizing by going to al-anon that I have got to stop "fixing" him and enabling him. He needs to want to go to meetings and fix himself. I'm learning detatchment with love. I know you're hurt but you are definitely doing the right thing and one day, when your brother is strong and healthy (if he chooses to get that way) he will know the great service you did for him and will love you even more for it.
That's my opinion anyway! Stay strong! Beth
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
Yes it is very hard to hold our ground. We are fixers and our first response is to make it better, even at the risk of our own sanity. Your brothers tears most likely weren't because he has to move on, but for what a mess his life has become. That's a good thing. You may be the catalyst that he needs to seek recovery. Hang in there.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
That's the sad part of the disease. It effects us and makes us question our own judgement. We want to help them, we want them to help themselves, we want their lives to get better. But we have to "accept" the proven fact that we can't do any of that for them. Any change has to come from the A. You are correct, you are dealing with your brother who you love, and a disease that you hate. The disease will only get worse. You have to decide if you are helping him or hurting him. He has never had to come face to face with the disease because he has always had a soft place to land. As hard as it is the program suggest that sometimes the best thing we can do for the A in our lives is absolutely nothing. They have to find their own way. In the long run it could be the best for the both of you. Only you can decide what will work for you. What you do know is what has not worked.
I started my respones by saying "That's the sad part of the disease". Let me correct that, every part of this disease is sad. I hope a f2f meeting is in your near future. You would be doing yourself a tremendous favor.
Keep coming back, you will find the answers you need. You are in my prayers.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 19th of January 2010 01:25:01 PM
My brother told me a story over Christmas Break.... He had this work friend, who used to be a coke addict... he had lost his family, lost his job... lost most of his friends, used to lie, steal, cheat, manipulate his way to feed his addiction.... At the pit of his addiction, he found himself cold, homeless, and called home to his Dad, begging him to allow him to stay in his house that night..... His Dad (who had been through Hell and back with this son), said "No, you cannot.".
This friend of my brother's is now clean and sober, and has been for over 13 years.... He recites this story often, and tells his Dad that he honestly believes, that if his Dad had allowed him in that night, that he would still be using today....
As tough as it seems right now, I can only hope for the same result for your brother....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
One of the most amazing shares I heard was at a convention from a mother who askd her daughter to leave. Her daughter went to live with a man who ended up beating her, she went into a hostel and worked the streets for a while. This mother stuck by her word that her daughter could not live in her home while drinking after a number of years her daughter hit her rock bottom hard. she also thanks her mother and told her true love is sometimes tough love and without her mother setting her free and sticking by her boundaries she may never have leart the lessons she did. I feel for you because i find tough love so hard i want to fix things but sometimes I know I help people to stay sick by doing this.
The dual or multi-personality syndrome is common and more normal in alcoholism and drug addiction than some people realize. Alcohol and drugs are mind and mood altering chemicals. Altering means I became someone I wasn't at first and there for I came (with help) to understand that other personality which was created and acted out many times.
This disease has strong connections to the psycohological distorders, manic depressive, dual or multi-personality, passive - agressive, bi-polar and the others. Yes it's real. For me and how I respond with the alcoholic it is important to know which one is standing in front of me. One I can participate with more successfully than the other. I have learned that detachment with the "other" is best.
Kinda Sci-fi huh?
((((hugs)))))
PS...If you read the last word in the second step it says "...sanity". Trying to live with or around so many different personalities without knowing or being made aware which one is in the room or area with you is definitely insane. You don't know what to think, do, say or feel.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 19th of January 2010 04:44:51 PM
