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I don't know what to do, think or feel. I have been with my Abf for almost three years. In that time, he has never taken a drink. he has been "sober" for 8 years. Or the more appropriate term, dry. He doesn't work his program so I've learned he's not truly sober. Through alanon I've learned I'm a classic, textbook co-dependent. something I really need to work on bc I feel I'm going insane. my Abf and I dated for about a year and a half. He would say he wanted to marry me, move in with me, he loved me but he told others the same thing (yes I'm embarrassed to say I lowed myself to snooping, reading texts, etc) I was crushed. He asked me to go to therapy with him where he rambled on about not following the program, filling voids, basically justifying his behaviors and admitting he doesn't want to let me go b/c when he is ready he wants me. It hurt but I walked away. The entire time he begged me back and I explained I wanted what he couldn't give. around the holidays of 2008 he said he was ready, he was back at meetings, I could see the difference. I went back. and it was good, like when we first me and he was in his program. he stopped the meetings. This time he started up texting and talking with a girl at work. at first, I didn't care. I have several male friends. I've had exes in the past with female friends, it's not an issue. but when the texts to her far outnumbered the ones to me, and hanging up with me to call her...i have a problem. She had become attached to him, going as far as leaving her husband. He claimed innocence, he didn't want her, it's not his fault. here we go back to therapy.... one session. so I left...again. This girl was obsessed. even after he told her don't call or text anymore b/c he wanted me to stay, she would. He told me he meant it, he loved me. He gave me his passwords to phone records to prove he doesn't call or answer. he showed me the texts he sent her saying to stop, he changed his home number. He went back to meetings and went every day. He even took me to a few of them, let me hear him speak. things were good. he wanted me to move in but i wasn't ready. I lost my apartment a few months later and had no choice. I am awful with change, I felt trapped. He stopped his meetings b/c he worked more for the holidays. now there is another woman, married, texting constantly. and a girl at work. he says they are friends, he only loves me. but I fell for that before. if i say how i feel he screams at me for starting. I feel like he criticizes me for everything. He says I never let go of anything, never forgive anything, that I am killing him by reminding him what he's done. I don't know whether I"m coming or going. I feel like he's just manipulating me, everything has to be his way. He'll be loving and affectionate and then just like that distant and never calls and if I ask him why, i'm starting, I question too much, I'm over critical, he's sick of it. I'm losing my mind. Is this normal? what do I do?
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
Yep... Alcoholics are the Most Cunning & Manipulating people "I" Think on the Planet... In dealing with them at times it is like being on a Roller Coaster Ride... I have been were you are with gentleman (To say the least) in my past, and yes one minute it is bliss & happily ever after, and the next it is Hell's Holy Fury & Of Course ALWAYS MY Fault...
Al-Anon has taught me, that I don't have to put up with that in Any of My Relationships... I have SLOWLY Learned to "Detach With Love" ,and if it is something "I" Know... Is going on, I would hit the ground running and never look back, I have been cheated on enough to know that if (For ME) they did it once, and got me back, it was an open door for them to do it again... Knowing that that they had that hold on my emotions...
The Choices I Make in my life are just that, if I question something then I dig Deep and see why & What it is that is really bothing me, (My Surroundings, the Company, the Mis Trust) what ever it may be, and then I ask myself "How Important Is It, Can I live with this?" And then I go from there...
I can't tell you "What to do" but I can say, that if you keep coming back, and if you have Face to Face Meetings in your Area.. Get to one! You will be surprized at the amount of support you can recieve there, (And here) ... Here is nice, I come here when I can't get to my meetings, however, it is also nice "HEARING" someone else Speak of their struggles, and what they have over come...
Please take what you like & leave the rest, I do hope it was of some sort of help to you :)
Will add you to my Prayers that you get what you are searching for ;)
I am new here but wanted to offer you some support. My first thought is reach out to your HP seeking calmness and guidance. I would also (if it were me) find a local group of Alanon so you have a support system that is only a call away.
I can relate to what you share as my AH always twists things to attempt no ownership. For years, I would either get angry and keep trying to be heard. As time wore on, I began to believe him - that it was/is all my fault - and I needed to do/be better.
I then went into a stage where I just allowed the dysfunction, and chose to not share my feelings. That allowed me the necessary denial to realize how sucked in to everyone else's life I was.
Lastly, and most recently, I state my concern/question/feeling, and 'assume the position'. This means, for my world, that I have no expectations. If I am heard, I am grateful. If I am not heard, I know I tried. If I am mistreated, yelled at, etc. I clearly state that I need a break and we can try to talk again later.
For me, I have to find the best path that allows me to be OK at the end of the conversation. Only you can decide the continued investment you make to your relationship. My heart goes out to you, and my hope is you find peace to process.
You are not crazy; the disease is so expansive that it affects all who are involved. His disease affects you, your relationship and all else that comes with it. Find some support locally, and keep coming back here. Love yourself and know you are not alone.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Lizz...I'm glad you are here. I was told I would not understand overnight because the problem didn't happen over night. Are you loosing your mind? For me I believe that loosing my mind was a process I participated in while not wanting to participate in it. Does that make sense? I wanted something else other than what I was getting with the alcoholic and I didn't clearly know what that was or how to get there and I was trying to get there (happiness and joy) from within a place called hell. Was it all her (the alcoholic's) fault? Recovery is not about blame I learned and alcoholism is a disease I was participating in attempting to reach a healthy life with. CRAZY!! Sick head, heart, soul, feelings, behaviors....blaaah. I had to learn how not to participate within the disease and detach from it and start to participate into what was good and healthy for me mind, body, spirit and emotions. Where I learned that was in the Al-Anon Family Groups from people (mostly women) who had been there, done that, and learned from others not to participate that way any longer. I hang with those people today and my head hasn't been as sick, as often than before. Come all the way into the program...sit all the way down...listening with an open mind... learn what others do that works and then practice, practice, practice. (((((hugs)))))
can anyone help me save me from al-anon, they are selfish and demanding people, always worried about their well being and abouth other family member, not vene their kids. they are so encgrssed in their programme that they neglect the house and its family members, this is disgusting and torture.hope someone understand me.
It certainly sounds as if you need some help and understanding!!!!!! I guess no one can help to save you from alanon until you explain a little more just what you are experiencing. Alanon members do attend meetings in order to learn how to respond in a constructive manner to all of life's issues. If you have had someone in your family whose drinking touched your life maybe you would find comfort in alanon as well
