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Ok, So These last couple weeks, I have began again taking on Step 4, and in doing so I slammed into a "Personal" Road Block...
Expectation Verses Respect...
Is Respect an Expectation? I Mean Really...I am by no means perfect nor do I desire to have that kind of a Title placed upon me, however, in saying that... I am the kinda person, that yes I am At times a "People Pleaser" HOWEVER, in going thru this Step... (4) I realized I also "Enjoy" Being that kind of person, I enjoy making people Smile, I enjoy helping out when I can, I enjoy doing my part in my family to make it hole...
HOWEVER, in saying that.... How do I get past the "Desire" for Respect... I mean I am not wanting people to kiss or polish my behind, however... I feel at times, I am being used... Yes I enjoy doing good actions, and enjoy helping when I can, but at what point after I do all these things, that make Me feel great, do I remove the rose colored glasses, and see that "Most" of the Ones I DO for, have Zero Respect for my feelings, My Needs, Nor do they seem to care as long as "I" keep extending the Olive Branch... How do I know what to settle for, and what to back away from, I mean if I backed away from everyone over time that used me, I would be in pretty much isolation.
I Know that I can Say NO Any time, And I have... but I have noticed so far... That Using NO, does slow the process yet, they still come back for more... My Best Place to express myself is on paper/emails, because only then can I get out ALL that I am thinking or feeling, without interuption... I loose my train of thought easily, (Including in my posts:)
After speaking with my Sponser, and one Very Dear Friend... I see now that it is my "Expectations" that is slowing my step, for I don't know how to seperate the two....
I was brought up to believe you treat people the way you want to be Treated, and I do.. To the Best of my ability.. but in doing that, should Respect be a Given?
Soooo How do I still be "my" giving caring self, (That I Enjoy) yet still earn Respect by those I love , or have given the best of Me to.. Without having "Those" Expectations... Or Desire for Respect?
That is My Questions...lol... ;) Any & All Input would be wonderful...
Thanks for letting me Share, and also... I would LOVE to Hear YOUR Battles & Triumphs with Step 4... Thank You
Jozie, I have never done a step 4 but here is my esh.
If you are doing things for others and want them to respect you for it then it seems to me that you are doing those things with expectations. When they don't give you that respect that you think you deserve for doing something kind for them I think it then becomes a resentment.
I would say(only by what I have learned in Alanon)to examine your motives before you do that something for that person. Is it something that I want from them in return? Do I want to do it because I like doing it and being kind to people even when I get nothing back? I guess you should ask yourself those questions before you agree.
There was a man in my f2f last night who was talking about his A son and how he needed to earn some money for something. He said he was going to have a written contract with him that if he attended AA meetings then he would give him the money. I wanted to scream "RED FLAG" to him almost immediately as to me that is piling on the expectations. Believe me, I have been there, doing the same type of thing. My thought was for him to let his son earn the money in other ways, ie: chores, etc. I don't know if this part relates to your post but those expectations can be killers.
I really like doing a 4th Step at the start of the year so that at the end of the Year I can reflect on the process and see the changes.
I think you asked some important questions regarding Expectations and Respect.
I believe we are all entitled to respect and courtesy. This is just part of being human and has nothing to do with what I have done for someone.
I do believe that I always tried to treat people with courtesy and respect. However before program --when I became angry Those rules flew out the window.
My family of origin was just as dysfuntional and when upset terrible things were said, destructive letters written and sides drawn up. That is still hapening today but I do not participate.
If someone fails to respect me I must draw a boundary and protect myself from their behavior regardless of how much I want to be nice to them and do good stuff for them. I must take care of myself Explain how I MUST be treated and detach,
I did find it true --we do teach othrrs how to treat us. It is not in what we do for them but in what we will not accept in bad behavior that counts.
I have the same issue, always putting others wants/needs before mine. I'm slowly learning that if I desire not to have respect for myself, then I will be a magnet for people who treat me the same way. Relationships should be based on MUTUTAL respect, just like the first tradition says. "our common welfare"comes first. If someone doesn't take me as a human with my own wants, needs and desires, there's nothing I can do to convince them. Walking away has been something that has been healthy for me. I need to give to myself as easily as I give to others--easier said than done.
ok, my esh is this: If you enjoy doing for others, then do for others but having any expectations about the outcome or how someone will feel/think about me, is a waste of energy/time. Expectations only hurt YOU.
As far as respect goes, I say set some boundaries and get your self respect - then u wont be looking from others to get what ought to be coming from within.
Maybe u are seeing that your inner circle is full of people who are unappreciative of you. Maybe some arent serving you, in your inner circle. Nonetheless, I do think once u get self respect back, it will become clearer. Maybe you simply dont appreciate yourself - love you first and it will improve on the inside.
I know after I worked to love myself, I was no longer seeking validation from others & with setting boundaires, I got self respect (bc I was no longer compromising myself) and then felt healthy emotional detachment.
I dont think "settling" will ever satisfy you. Throw your expectations out the window, especially the ones u have over you & you will find yourself a much happier person. IMHO.
Take care of YOU, whatver that looks like.
p.s. I agree with Christy's post, so eloquently put - I too, simply dont maintain relationships like that anymore, if there isnt mutual respect, I'm not there. But it took my self respect, first (in the form of boundaries) that made it easy and clear to change some relationships, leaving some altogether.
When we break things down/clear out, then we have room for new and can build up.
-- Edited by kitty on Tuesday 19th of January 2010 02:01:39 PM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
:How do I know what to settle for, and what to back away from, I mean if I backed away from everyone over time that used me, I would be in pretty much isolation.
For me, the only answer to that question is to give or do with no expectations. Are you wanting gratitude for your deeds?
Gratitude and respect are two different things. If I "expect" either one of those things upon giving or doing I may end up disappointed.
Mutual respect is something I require in any relationship, be it family or friends. If it's not there, neither am I.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Personally to have expectations of any one dysfunctional is setting myself up. At the same time I am not willing to take any abuse. That means for me personally and this is not a directive at all I don't over involve myself. For me that's a huge effort as I caretake well and do not know how to boundary up. I do think its possible to be boundaried without being rude. Expectations are everything. One of the reasons for my devastation around the ex A was that I did not readjust my expectations. Had I done that I would be in a much much different place today.
It's funny how after reading your post, it seems so much of the time that you and I go through similiar things at similiar times.
I spent all of last week struggling with my expectations and feeling used and played for a fool by the people who are supposed to care the most about me. It wasn't until I was talking with my son, who had his heart broken recently by his expectations, that I saw the reality of my own expectations of others. I realized that much like you, I like doing for the people I care for, it makes me feel good to help others (the codie in me no doubt) but when they don't respond the way I think they should, I'm crushed. The sad part is I've done this moreso with my own family than anyone else, and over and over felt stomped on and crushed by them repeatedly. But they are who they are and I can love everyone of them and not like their disease. If I do for them now, I do it without any expectations at all. I realized last week that IF I choose to give or do for others it has to be out of the kindess of my heart with no expectations whatsoever of a "thank you or I appreciate all you did". Like you, I think respect is in there somewhere, BUT I wonder is my EXPECTING RESPECT just another EXPECTATION???, and as much as I hate it, I think, for me, it is. I FINALLY got the grasp of boundaries and set some recently and it made a huge difference in my attitude and life, and I felt great about doing something just for ME, something that brought me some joy and stress relief.
It used to be before when I focused on me I felt guilty, that has slowly passed and I know I am worth soooo much more, and I am slowly learning to appreciate myself and surround myself with the people who love, and appreciate me. YOU were the one who reminded me last week "NO EXPECTATIONS" and I had the time of my life, so it does work to let go of them.
I love you and appreciate all you do for me, mom and the boy-but probally don't tell you enough either:)
Congrats on the sponsor and the 4th step! I've been working on my second round at it for the past 11 months and it can be enlightening, rewarding, and draining all at the same time, but IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT!
love and peace, shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Thanks One & All for sharing with me, I have read & Reread this many times, and I am sure many more to come ;) I am still stuggling, but I am also realizing that there is HOPE for ME just yet, there is hope that I can get thru this step reguardless of the bumps in the road...
I have all the faith I need, however, sometimes I NEED all of you to help guide me in my Mind of Confusion.. "Which is Alot" :)
SO THANK YOU ALL for sharing with me, and helping me see what "I" Need to do to protect myself.. To Care for Myself, and to Put ME back on the list...
