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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> how to give the problem back
Post Info TOPIC: how to give the problem back
sadforever


Newbie

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how to give the problem back
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hello,

this is my first time here and need advice.  i am the oldest (and only girl) of 3 kids in my family.  my little brother, brian, is the alcoholic.  he is the middle child.  he has been an alcoholic for 9 years.  numerous trips to the hospital, treatment 3x, legal problems, etc. 

he is 33 and still lives w/my parents. they have kicked him out a few times, but let him back. my youngest brother and i tell my parents they need to kick him out for good so they can live their lives.   

he recently told me, after an incident at the holidays, that he doesn't want to stop drinking.  i am having a hard time w/this.  i am angry, sad, lost, etc.  i know i have to give him back his problem, but don't know how.  my parents have leaned on me as he talks to me and ignores them.  guess i am feeling a bit responsible to make sure he is ok (alive is more like it).

i have the serenity prayer hanging on my computer at work and am going to start saying that everyday.  i just need more direction, if anyone can help.

thank you for listening (reading) and god bless you all!

sadforever?



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hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Hello SadForever ,

Welcome to MIP and AL Anon  You are in the right place . Alcoholism is a disease and we who have lived with this disease need help in recovering from the effects.

Your log on name "sadforever" truly describes how I felt when I first found the rooms of alanon.  Today I can honestly say  my name could be serenity because alanon has saved my life and my emotional health.

I had tried everything in an attempt to save the "alcoholic" in my life. and  nothing worked.  Alanon gave me hope  I was told I did not cause it, I can not control it and I could not cure it.  

Alanon Face to Face meetings  really started my journey to hope.

 Help with finding local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site:            http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon

Online meetings are held in the Al-Anon chat room associated with this site.

From the board click on Al-Anon Group Meeting/Chat Room in the yellow box in upper left of the page.  After clicking on the link please be patient, sometimes it takes a while for the window to open.

You are not alone and you can find help

Please keep coming back

 



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Festfan


Veteran Member

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Posts: 95
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Hi Sadforever (and i hope you aren't!)

I'm really new here too, so I am just offering my support and comfort that I can recognize what you are going through.  I have read so many of the older threads that I know that we can't own their problem.  You have probably seen someone post the 3-Cs - we didn't CAUSE it, we can't CONTROL it and we can't CURE it.  That was very powerful for me because I was trying the control part all of the time.  I still am struggling with that and struggling with the truth that I can't CONVINCE (maybe its a 4th C) my ABF with facts and emotions that he needs help. 

Hopefully you can get to a face to face meeting - it will take a little while to be comfortable, but I was so desperate to talk that it has been very helpful for me.  Will your parents consider going?  or reading literature? 

Good luck - there is a lot of work, but I am looking forward to finding serenity in the process - its the silver lining...

Peace.

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Peace!
canadianguy


~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome to MIP, and glad you found us....  If I were you, I would do some good reading on, the subject.....  One gem is "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews....  One thought might be for you to buy it, read it, and then give it to your folks to do the same....  Alcoholism is a family disease, and many people don't or can't see how much it has affected them....  This book is one of the great ones out there that will help you soooo much...

Take care, and please keep coming back.... Choosing recovery for yourself (and hopefully your parents do the same), is an awesome start!

Tom

__________________

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
Iamhere


~*Service Worker*~

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I too am new, but wanted to welcome you and offer support and <<<<Hugs>>>>.

That which is offered above me as experience and wisdom can't be topped.  Finding meetings, talking to others who are in the same/similar boat, getting a sponsor and working the steps will help you with answers that best fit/meet your needs.

Hang in there...

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
abbyal


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3854
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How to give the problem back ?? don't take it on in the first place works for me .
Now that took me awhile to put into practice but once I stopped doing for him what he should be doing for himself , my life got easier
. Most of us are enablers we think were helping but were not , were actually helping them drink , every time we rescue we stop them from seeing that thier drinking is indeed causing them a problem . We lie for them , we believe the lies , we continue to pay thier bills get them out of debt , we make excuses for thier crappy behavior , we cover up thier mistakes in other words we make them look pretty good there is no need for them to change when we continue to take such good care of them .
Protect yourself financially take care of yourself emotionally and spiritually and get your life back .
Nothing we do is working to change the problem and thats because we are not the problem , its not ours to fix . Please find meetings for yourself f2f  , you have no idea where this program will take you. it only takes one person to change to create change .  good luck  Louise

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I came- I came to-I came to be
maresie


~*Service Worker*~

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i think you are absolutely in the right place. Al anon can be a great help to you.  I'm been overinvolved with others all my life.  These days I have limits and they save me from being in zones I don't need to be in anymore.  Boundaries are hard to learn as an adult but it is possible. 

Recently I discovered a neighbor had not been taking her blood pressure medicine.  I've encouraged her to do that but I'm no longer at a place in my life where I will stand over anyone.  Detaching is hard to do but it is possible and it is possible to detach with care and compassion and not with resentment.  Nevertheless in the beginning many of us detach however way we can.

I am so glad you chose to come and introduce yourself.  Welcome.

Maresie.

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maresie
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