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I'm new at this, so please bear with me. I have found myself in the middle of a situation with my parents and alcoholic brother which I don't seem to know how to get myself out of.
I am 32, single, own my own home, have a demanding job. My brother is 39. He has been in and out of jail, treatment, etc. for the last several years. He left treatment most recently in June of 09 basically because he got pissed off because he didn't think he should have to follow the rules. My parents immediately began putting pressure on me to let him move in with me "temporarily" ha ha until he could get on his feet. After a month of saying no, being given the silent treatment, and being told that I obviously didn't love my family because I wouldn't do this, I finally gave in and let him come to my house. There were conditions to him being able to stay. He was supposed to pay me rent, help with the house work, help with the yard work, etc., and of course, not drink. I said he could stay for 3 months.
First time around, he stayed for a month and left to go live in a hotel because he "needed his space." Two months later, he wanted to move back in because he'd had his truck stolen and didn't feel "comfortable" staying at the hotel anymore and didn't want to be alone over the holidays. So he moved back in around the end of October.
At this point, the living situation is simply not working out. He has not paid any rent, does not help around the house (indeed he only makes a bigger mess for me to clean up), is mean to my dog, has had several overnight benders, is drinking (he thinks I don't know) and just got fired from his job. Oh, and did I mention that my parents volunteered to put him on MY cell phone plan, too? So I'm also stuck with that.
I decided a week ago that it was time to tell him to go. My parents are most unhappy about this decision of mine. They can't afford to help him stay somewhere, and honestly at this point I feel like nothing more than a free place for him to stay in their eyes. I simply cannot live like this anymore. I will not be confined to my bedroom in my own house simply because I cannot stand to be around my brother.
My question is, in short, I suppose, this: Am I doing the right thing? Or am I being selfish? My parents are already making me feel guilty for making up my mind. I know my brother is going to make me feel guilty too when I try to tell him tonight that he has 3 weeks to find somewhere else to live. I don't want to start WWIII in my family, but like I said, I cannot stand this anymore.
I don't want to be intolerant of other people's problems. But I don't want to be an enabler either.
Any advice anyone could offer, or words of encouragement, would be most appreciated.
Thanks,
me
-- Edited by tlcate on Monday 18th of January 2010 05:34:32 PM
I am brand new to this forum/group as well. I have been blessed (or not) with exposure to Alanon and the 12 Step program(s).
You are truly in a very difficult place and my heart goes out to you. You have worked very hard to be where you are in life and have every right to enjoy your space.
I applaud your efforts to set boundaries with your brother, and my hope and prayer for you is that you are able to share your message tonight, hold your ground and find comfort that your decision is the right decision.
I really have issues with boundaries as well as being a 'fixer'. What I've learned is I can't fix it; I must trust God to do that!
I hope this helps - I wish you the best and hold you in my thoughts and prayers.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hello and welcome , I believe you are doing the right thing , until we stop doing for them what theyshould be doing for themselves they have no reason to change , we take really good care of them . I am sorry your parents dont understand that makes it tough for you , but sometimes we have to stand alone in our decissions to take care of ourselves . I know u said u have a demanding job , if u could find time for 1 meeting a week it would help u to understand this disease and your part in it . * enabling * HIs drinking is affecting your life and your relationships with your parents . only u know when enough is enough . good luck Louise
When we consistantly give the A soft place to land it's almost impossible for them to hit their bottom. The reality is that we are assisting the disease w/o realizing it. We are helping to keep it alive, which is the opposite of our intention.
You are not your brothers keeper and have every right to live your own life. No matter what you do, you can't control your brother's drinking or his actions. Sometimes it takes being on the street for them to realize where alcoholism has taken them. It's difficult to watch and difficult to do. If your parents wish to enable him then they can deal with him. You need not be held prisoner by their wishes or his disease.
If you could find a meeting in your area you will find the support you need to get through this. It wouldn't hurt to pick up some free literature for your parents either.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Aloha Gypsy...Yeah you're on the right track and if you know the Serenity Prayer it ask for the "....Courage to change the things you can" so you got the boundary and value system you need the support to change things. I'll support that along with others here. It's not about kicking him out it's like what the others have shared, you are actually doing something that is making your and his situation worse. If you become the pillow between him and a "bottom" as we learn about in recovery he will continue to drink and abusing the dog will also become clearer that he is abusing his sister also. There is no law written that says that is okay. In fact you are placing you in a bad situation...you can stop it when you want. You haven't caused the problem, you can't control it and you also can't cure it. Don't even try better people than us have failed at it also. Get as much literature as you can and read it all about alcoholism. Go to the Al-Anon face to face meetings in your area (GA must have a ton of them...one of my best alcoholics came from Atlanta) and get to as many as you can for the next 90 days and listen to what others in your situation are saying and learning. Yes there are others who are in almost the exact situation as you are. Listen...learn...practice and keep coming back here for support. (((((hugs)))))
Four things come to mind here, the first is REALITY, the second is CHOICE, the third is LIFE and the fourth is RIGHTS.
We ALL have to look at the reality of a situation and recognise that we ALL have a choice and the only life we have is THIS ONE in which we have certain rights (as in human rights as well as rites of passage.)
The reality is that choices have been declared and because of that more than the one person who made the choice's life has been affected.
Your parents choose to ask you to do certain things for very grounded reasons of their own, whilst your brother chooses to go his own way and you have the choice of how you live your own life.
Meanwhile, ALL your lives are being AFFECTED by the CHOICES that ALL of you have made.
You have a RIGHT to CHOOSE your way of LIFE and how you will live just as much as your parents and your brother.
No I don't think you are intolerant, though you are in danger of being an enabler if you continue to take your brother in and let him control your emotions and your life because of a CHOICE HE HAS MADE.
Loving someone is a tough business and sometimes it is the TOUGH LOVE that is best no matter how it looks to anyone outside the situation or to others in the situation who have projected emotional blackmail in order to bully you into taking your brother in when they had made the decision NOT to take him in themselves, for whatever reason.
Projection and guilt has bullied you into taking him in, and his CHOICE to continue to drink, hold the view that he does not have to LIVE BY RULES (part of the treatment programme which he left in June 09); further his CHOICE to continue to drink, and not to HONOUR YOUR RULES and the reality that he continues to LIVE HIS LIFE without regard for yours are all affecting YOUR LIFE NOW.
You did not CAUSE his alcoholism, you cannot CONTROL his alcoholism, you cannot CURE has alcoholism, so I would say to you, don't fall into the trap of enabling his alcoholism by CUSHIONING him and CODDLING him, and your parents, by allowing him and them to CREATE havoc and CHAOS. CHANGE this situation by CONSIDERING your CHOICE in this matter of how you LIVE for the REALITY is that YOU TOO have a RIGHT to make CHOICES here.
You deserve that. Remember the prayer "...courage to change the things you can, ...and continue to ask for the wisdom to know what you cannot change so that you can accept the reality of the situation you find yourself in...".
Step out with courage and as others have said find a meeting you can attend so that you have support. Failing that, keep coming back here, this family is amazing and will support you. Read as much as you can and share that with your parents for you all need to support each other in the decision not be enablers, and they need to understand the projection and the impossibly difficult situation they have place you in by their own words/actions/emotional bullying.
DRINK does this, it breaks families apart as well as destroying the drinker. This is the utter sadness of the disease, ALL get sick.
Let Go and Let God is a real powerful slogan and one that I find tough but not impossible. It stands by the side of the Serenity Prayer and together I know they brought me through.
Sending you love and peace and courage to make the right choice for you in this tough situation.
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
