Just wanted to share a bit of a breakthrough that I think I had yesterday.  AH has been doing OK lately..  He is dry at the best of times, not in recovery, and is on some depression meds that seem to be helping his moods.  He still sinks into 'stinkin poor me thinking' bout once or twice a week, as he is a dry driunk.  I mainly listen and do not react.  I just keep repeating "it's the disease, it's the disease' over and over in my head while he is spouting his poison.  It helps..

This weekend he went on an ice fishing trip with some friends.  Weeks before when he informed me he was going, I set a boundary that I would not be paying for it.  He, in typical A way had a big fit about how he can't do anything fun now that I have "detached" (he HATES Al-Anon and detachment )and he doesn't have access to the family funds.  I held tight to my boundary,  and he soon went off to find another way to get what he wanted.  He got some $ from his mom, sold one of his dogs and worked a day or two that he probably normally would not have to get the $.  I know he lied about how much he made so that I wouldn't ask him for his share of the $ for bills (he is currenlty laid off and not contributing at all to the house hold funds).  I normally would have raised a big issue about this, but then I sat back and thought.. this is found money, that he nornally would not have had the get up and go to go earn, so why fuss?  I will focus instead on recovering the $$ for the bills out of his unemployment cheque when it comes..

Old me would have focused on what he was doing and whether he was drinking all weekend long.  New me put him out of my mind and had a wonderful,  fun filled productive weekend with my kids.  If he's going to drink, he;s going to drink.. at least he isn;t around me...

Then he comes home.  His brother helps him in the door.  His knee is blown.  Apparently he had a fall on the ice the night before and twisted it.  Now he cannot walk.  Immediately my brain goes into 'Old me' mode..  goes to "I wonder if he was drunk...".  New me pushed old me out of the way and said "mind your own business, and he probably was, he is an A and A's drink, so what".  So I don't ask.  Later that evening I started into 'Old me" martyr mode...  "Oh no, now I have to do all the work, pick up the kids because he cannot drive, bring in the wood for the fire because he cannot, walk...What if he can NEVER WORK AGAIN! screams old me as I project into the future...: 

New me slaps old me upside the head and says...  "You know you can't count on him anyway, so all these things you will be doing, you would have been doing for the kids and for yourself anyway, so relax. Take it easy.  HP will take care of tomorrow, you focus on today."

Old me replies.. "But he needs to learn from this mistake if he was drunk, I need to know, I need to NOT help make this easy ore protect him from the consequeces..  He needs to know how hard he has made this for me and what a mess his drinking has caused yet again...I am going to go and TELL HIM...."

New me slaps old me even harder and says "YOU cannot make him realize anything, and you do not need to control things to MAKE consequences for him to feel... If there are consequences to be had, they will happen, in HP's time..  He still feels the pain from his knee that his drinking caused (if he was) and he will still not be able to drive himself anywhere and will feel the boredom of his actions all on his own...  Mind your own business and focus on yourself and the kids...!" 

I realized that I can be calm in the face of a storm and realized my part in some of the conflicts we have around our house.. I could have easily turned this into a full out war, full of denial of drinking (which I wouldn't have believed anyway, so what's the use), blaming, shaming etc..  I would have been thr Martyr and I would have done everything i could have to make him see and feel that he is the horrible unworthy "drunk" husband.   Instead, I bathed and put the kids to bed quietly, with a kiss from their dad who they love before they went upstairs, came down stairs. made a tea, got AH a juice from the fridge and put my feet up to relax.  AH still 'poor me'd" about the knee, New me just replied  "I bet that does hurt...." and left it at that.  I realized I can still help him out while he is injured (feed his dogs outside, make sure there is wood by the fire to keep him warm during the day) and not enable him, as right now, he cannot do these thing for himself.  I would do these things for a neighbour or even a stranger if they needed me to..  New Al-Anon me would have been not doing ANY of these things to allow him to feel his consequences.. 

I am growing, I am learning..  and every day I am a grateful member of Al-Anon...