The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
woods, maybe you should pay close attention to the doubts you are expressing. Perhaps it's temporary due to some recent development that is causing you new resentment. I do understand the feeling that YOU are the one doing all the work. I often feel that way too. Al anon has been good for me in learning to deal with all of my life, not just my relationship to my A. But I sometimes do resent the fact that I am the one learning and working to change while he does nothing to help our relationship. But when I find myself thinking that way I repeat the serenity prayer, ask my HP for help, and remember how much I love the man even though I hate the disease. You have not yet made that lifelong commitment and it seems to me you should be very sure about it before you do. Keep talking to your HP, keep coming here, and take care of you.
I once read a saying that I have kept with me and applied to relationships I have had, until I married my husband. It was... Consider how difficult it is to change something about myself, and then I will realize what little chance I have to change others. It helped me understand in relationships that if I cannot accept who that person is the good and the bad then perhaps that isn't the person for me. I seriously started taking a good look at the people I dated after that, and if I heard that little voice in the back of mind stating... He is great, and if he loves you he will change, the red flags needed to go up. For one it wasn't fair for me to try to change him if he didn't want to change, even if I was trying to change him for the better, and for two I learned I was more or less setting myself up for failure.
The more I applied that way of thinking the more I found who I really needed to be focusing on was me... Usually when I was trying to change someone else even if it was for the better of them, there was really something about me I was trying to avoid facing. I was surprised after dating my husband for a year that there wasn't anything about him I wanted to change. To me this was a great indication that I was also becoming happy with who I was, and who I am today.
"I am doing all the changing, I am going to Alanon, I am learning how to detach, I am learning boundaries and have to work at keeping them up.
What is he doing for us?
Is it worth it? Perhaps you meant this as a rhetorical question. However, in case you did not, I will give you my opinion. Yes, it is worth it. If you have been learning how to detach and establishing and upholding boundaries, then it's worth it. The application of detachment and setting/maintaining boundaries is healthy in all relationships, not just the relationship we have with our alcoholics.
I feel like I am pretty healthy, or could be, but he holds me back. For years, I felt that my husband held me back. However, I now see that it was me, not him, that kept me from being all that I could and wanted to be. At first, it was a frightening realization. I had many "oh no!" moments - still do. Every, "oh no" moment brings me to the realization that I am my own jailer, so to speak; the illusionary chains that kept me bound for years vanish. It's not so scary any more.
And I resent him for that right now. I'm still working on this, too. I do find that I'm less resentful when I take full responsiblity for my current plight. Again, that can be very uncomfortable.
May you find your way far sooner than I did. I'm still on the path, just a little further along the way than I used to be to peace of mind, not perfection. Take care, GailMichelle
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Saturday 16th of January 2010 05:57:41 PM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Woops- I completely relate to what you are sharing.
I LOOVVEEEE running. It's what I do and since going through a breakup I have stopped. Thinking about doing anything I enjoy and any sort of self care is nearly paralyzing to me.
When my fiancee and I were together (he left me 5 weeks ago) - I often had doubts about our future. We had a lot of financial issues and of course his sobriety vs. drinking periods caused me doubt. Finally after 2 years I got to the point of "yes" - I accepted him and loved him for who he was. A few weeks later he told me it was too late and he needed to move on. Looking back, I wish I would have accepted him as he was sooner. At the time I wasn't in alanon - I didn't know how to deal with his drinking and sobriety. Now I feel so much wiser in dealing with an alcoholic. Like you I had doubts and became resentful from doing too much. I didn't take care of myself or delegate enough. I still have problems with that around my children.
My advice to you would be to look on the other side of how life would be without him? What if he left? How would you feel? Can you change things about the relationship to take care of yourself more, to create more balance and to accept him as he is? I really miss my ex and wish I knew then what I knew now. I didn't accept him, I got angry instead of asking for help. I wanted him to change -but he couldn't because he is an alcoholic.
However, this is a question that needs to come from within. I search long and hard within myself to find my own answer. It can't come from friends, or family or anyone but yourself. Because it is only you - who has to live with the answer.
