The material presented
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Things get crazy and out of control so fast around here. I just don't have a chance to catch up with them. Even when I am not part of the insanity it still drips over on me. I try to keep my distance when my son and AH start going at each other. My son is 19 going on 20 in a few days and I think is capable of dealing with his father. However, it does not appear to be the case. Just last night they were going at it. My son lives with us, rent free, going to school and working on getting his license to sell insurance. We support him and keep him fed. We have rules in place, in by 12 on weekdays and in by 1 on weekends. No staying out all night during the week but is fine on the weekends. Clear cut and dry. BUT, my son feels like he should have the freedom to do as he pleases because he is almost 20 years old. When the truth is, the rules don't have anything to do with his age it has to do with us wanting our house locked down when we go to bed. We are pushing it, for ourselves, be staying up until 12 during the week. We get up at 7:30 each morning. I prefer to be in bed earlier. However, we allow him to do those things and he still wants to have exceptions made on a regular basis. Which on occasion we allow him to stay out all night during the week and stay out later than 12. But last night we let him use the car with the understanding that he came back at 11, so we could go to bed early. Not all of this was explained to my son at first. So when he came back last night he had a friend follow him home and he wanted to go back out and stay the night out. My AH said no and it was on. My son was on the phone with somebody talking about how stupid this was, that he couldn't do as he wanted, and a few other things which my AH overheard, and I am sure it was meant to be overheard. So then my son leaves the house, as if he were going to stay out all night. Well my AH decided that he was kicking our son out of the house for being disrespectful and not following our rules, one in the same. So my AH went around locking the doors and windows and setting the alarm. Well my son broke his way into the house, right around his curfew time. My AH had no idea because he had fallen asleep, tired or drunk or both I am not sure, but asleep none the less. I just laid in bed. I did not feel like getting involved in this whole thing since I really had no idea, last night, what was going on. I found out most of this this morning. I know I am rambling on and probably not making any sense. I am just so frustrated with the 2 of them. They both do this ever so often and it seems to all land on me to smooth things out. But I mostly stay out of it because it's not my business, now if my son were younger then it would be a different story. He is 20 years old and fully understands what his father is like after he starts drinking but he still feels the need to confront him. I don't understand that. But the results are always the same. My son is kicked out and my husband turns his cell phone off. Then some time goes by and they let each other cool down and then things go back to the way they were. Even when my AH explains to our son, that he has to follow our rules since he lives here under our roof. Uggghhh!!!! I am just so tired of this. I really have no part in this even though they both try to bring me into it. I struggle to stay out of it, even though I really want to attempt to referee them. They are both old enough to deal with this on their own. I must step away and let things fall as they may.
Working my program means that I have to let go and let HP take care of this, I have no control over it and I didn't cause it. Right? Right! I feel like their situation is stuck in neutral and they just keep trying to drive.
A sad, but all too familiar, story wildthang! many of us feel trapped, piggy in the middle until we learn to detatch. you are doing so well. read you post back to yourself and focus on all the positive statements you made. "they are both old enough to deal with this on their own". "I must step away and let things fall as they may". " I mostly stay out of it because it is not my business" "I have no control over it and I didnt cause it" "You wrote your own plan on dealng with this....you just have to stay strong and realise that you cannot drive this vehicle for them...they have to, and need to, find the brakes for themselves. As we are all similar but different so are our coping mechanisms....mine is writing and my sense of humour. Read todays poem in a separate thread....i hope it makes you laugh and inspires you!
"When the truth is, the rules don't have anything to do with his age it has to do with us wanting our house locked down when we go to bed."
If the issue is soley that you and your husband are more comfortable with the house locked, couldn't your son simply have a key or code to get in?
He is 20 years old and fully understands what his father is like after he starts drinking but he still feels the need to confront him. I don't understand that. But the results are always the same.
That statement made me cringe a bit. My best guess is your son is resentful and doesn't like to be controlled by a alcoholic that can't control himself.. Because we know what someone is like when they are drinkin, doesn't mean it's acceptable or we should walk on eggshells.
I have a almost 20 yr old (next month) also. If he is not here, I am here alone so I lock up when I go to bed. Sometimes he comes home, sometimes he doesn't. I trust that he is mature enough to make his own decisions. If he should stay out too late, it's a life lesson that he will suffer the next day. He is not allowed to disrespect me, but in turn I don't attempt to control him, only guide him as his parent.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I might well be wrong, but I think you are entitled to a say in this. In a healthy family parents make decisions together and present a united front. In your family the one who's the most out of control (your A husband) makes the decisions and sets the tone because he's the one who gets craziest when he's crossed. I think I might be frustrated if I were a child, even an adult child, under his rule-making.
As for your son, he is 19 and still learning how to be an adult -- how many of us got that right every time? But also he is trying to cope with an alcoholic, and these boards are evidence as to how many of us find that easy. Your son is now also an ACOA, and he probably didn't grow up learning many skills for dealing with things, because alcoholic familes tend to be about reaction and survival, rather than emotional skills.
As with so many families, I would guess that it's up to you, the non-alcoholic, to be the wise adult in the mix. This is really a challenge and I hope you're able to go to meetings to learn and practice all the healthy ways you can. Family therapy might be helpful too, even if you're the only one who goes.
For what it's worth, to me it sounds as if your son is feeling rebellious but trying to do it by the rules -- if only the rules didn't change. (Your husband levying the punishment without advance warning seems vindictive rather than corrective -- I remember my parents doing that to me -- it produced resentment, not different behavior.) The staying out all night gives me pause ... I'm guessing alcohol is involved ... but we didn't cause it, we can't control it...
I'm guessing that the easiest solution is to find a way for your son to live independently, if he wants to. But whatever happens, do get all the support you can.
I completely agree with Christy and wondered why he doesn't have a key as well. Wouldn't that solve the issues? And I also agree that Mattie had some very good points.
I was once the rebelious child. My mother was an A and my father didn't live with us. If she would tell me to be home at midnight and I came walking in at 4am I honestly didn't care. She was an A so I really didn't have much respect for her at that time.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
I feel some peace after all of that chaos. Neither of them are home right now and I can process some of what has happened. I think you all have some wonderful ideas and thoughts. Some of which will probably be implemented very soon if not tonight. I feel a slight weight lifted and know that I need to go and do something for myself. I deserve it. A nice hot shower and some me time to read a book and escape into a trashy novel for a bit is exactly what I need and am going to do. Thank you all for your input, keep it coming. It's never too late to learn something new.
I know for one I would not feel good about the breaking in. The ex A used to have his friends over all the time who felt entitled to do what they wanted. I made a rule of locking the door and not answering when I was there. I had to hold to that. Of course I was called all the names under the sun. Of course I remonstrated with it.
I believe it is your house too. If your son breaks in no matter what the circumstances he needs a boundary about it. I know I dealt with an ex A who wanted an exception every other second. When I stopped making exceptions things got a lot better for me. I was clear, he was clear and I no longer lived in a mess of confusion.
