The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
And its actually almost funny sometimes (in the "if you don't laugh you will cry" kind of way). The ABF took my first "boundary" pretty well - that I was not going to spend time with him when he is/has been drinking. mostly because I think he is happy and relieved that I won't be trying to control him anymore! Let the binge begin!
But he keeps trying to make plans at all of his usual "haunts" - it's like I am going to have to remind him every day... "no, I am not going to do that because you will be drinking". So today, he says that he wants to go to a "fundraiser" on my side of town that is basically a vodka tasting party. His alcohol of choice. He wants to go to that, then go to his favorite restaurant in my town - his favorite because they have 50% off food and alcohol after 10 pm (and the only thing he likes better than vodka is a good deal!). Then he wants to come over and see me! YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME!!!
So this will be a big test, because I am going to tell him he can't come over and he is probably still going to go to the vodka event. And I will be worried about him driving - but its not my responsibility...
When I created this same boundary it was not only because I hated the drinking but because I was mainly there to be the designated driver anyway. The reverse affect was that my A realized that everything he did revolved around drinking.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Try not to think about ur abf tonight - out drinking and doing whatver else... focus on YOU and what can you do to allow yourself to feel better today &/or how you can empower yourself.
I noticed that when I stopped focusing and fixating on them and got the attention squarely directed at me - the A's did notcie and suddenly came around, calling, checking on me and finding out was I was up to - they felt the shift in my awarenss, even though I never told them that was what I was doing. I also noticed they were happier to see me, when they did get my undivided attention.
The plus side, is what christy wrote - perhaps he will get to realize how much of what he does is revoling around drinking.
I was personlaly unable to detach until I first set and followed through on boundaries but once I did, my self esteem came back bc I was no longer compromising myself. Then the emotional detachment came, which felt like a whole new world/reality bc I'd never felt that before. I finally felt like my own - whole person, not someone tied to someone else's mood, whims or emotional upsets (which as u know, there is always a crisis). When I was called on &/or manipualted to do things for them which they couldve done themselves - I simply began to say "No." and feel good about it.
No one will make you a priortiy, except you. The will try to step on your boundaries bc he assumes you dont really mean it, since you gve in in the past. Stay true to you and your new changes - you are worth it and eventually the A will catch on that you mean what you say & these changes are for real.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Fest it's about you getting it whether he gets it or not or is drinking or not. This is your recovery and it is all about you. If you keep looking over your shoulder to see if he is following you you're gonna walk into a couple of bushes or poles or buses or other hard stuff. Turn around face forward toward where you want to go; where you want to be in you life and walk toward that. Hook one arm into the program and one with your HP and go. ((((Hugs)))))
Thanks everyone - your posts give me support and confidence! THAT I CAN DO THIS!! he asked again about coming over after the event (which is 2 weeks away - he is planning that far ahead!). I avoided it the first time, but this time I responded with, "I dont think that you coming over after the Vodka party and the bar after is a good idea. I really need you to understand and believe that I choose to not be around you while you are drinking or have been drinking. That evening pretty much qualifies. So, I think plans for Saturday or Sunday that weekend would be best. " No reply from him yet. I almost just sent him a message to see how his afternoon is going, to see whether he is mad, but I'M NOT GOING TO!!! That is just looking for a reaction and I don't need one!
Thanks for the focus. Keep the ESH coming. I LOVE IT!
PEACE
-- Edited by Festfan on Friday 15th of January 2010 02:40:52 PM
Excellent work! Except that you don't really need him to "understand and believe" that you're setting this boundary, you just need to set it. If he had to understand and believe it before it worked, he could overrule you just by refusing to understand and believe. But you have the power!
I've also observed that if we say "Don't do X if you're going to get drunk and go out of control," that doesn't work, because they never think they're going to get drunk and go out of control. They think they're going to have a drink or two and get mellow and be perfectly fine. ("Out of control" to us = "perfectly fine" to them!)
So no need to wait for him to agree! That could be a long long wait. Just keep on doing what you're doing!
Fest also; if you are practicing staying in the moment...there is no future to discuss right now so an honest answer might be, "I'll take a look at it later if it comes up and tell you then." I loved do that one without anxiety about whether she felt good about it or not.
Kudos for you to setting and communicating your boundary. I found myself doing the same thing - setting it, and explaining why I was setting it,etc... What I am learning is that I don't have to JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain these things. I can just Keep It Simple. How the other person reacts or feels about my boundary is their business, not mine.
You've told him the reasons/logic/rationale behind your boundary more than once. That's plenty. Now all you have to do is hold to it Simple, but not easy.
Trying on a new behavior is so strange, isn't it? It is for me, anyhow. But it takes practice practice practice. We slip and fall, but as long as we are willing to get back up and keep working on ourselves, we will get better.
So glad you are here - keep on working it and keep coming back!
I struggled tremendously with the ex A driving. Detachment is a hard one. I do know I felt incredibly lonely when I did not go with him and at the same time relieved. I didn't like either.
"Except that you don't really need him to "understand and believe" that you're setting this boundary, you just need to set it. If he had to understand and believe it before it worked, he could overrule you just by refusing to understand and believe."
Wow that's amazing! I needed to hear this today, as I was struggling with my AH "understanding" a boundary I had set! You're right! Waiting for him to "get it" puts the power in his hands to veto because he can just NEVER "get it"!
*lightbulbs going off*
Thanks!
Also, my AH has a habit of complaining that I "think about things and have them all worked out in my head before I tell him about them." Wouldn't you think that'd be a good thing? I think it's related to this, but I'm not sure how yet... Hmm...
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"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish."
~ J. R. R. Tolkien
tlc - I totally understand your point and it is part of my struggle with my initial detachment and boundary setting/enforcement. The problem is that he is not making a "choice" one way or another. Out of 3 times that we have seen each other since I communicated my boundary, he was not sober 2 of them. And he continued to drink this last time after I told him I was going to bed to be away from him because he was drunk.
Right now I think that i may have to chose not to be around him when I think that there will be/has been drinking. I just don't know another way - maybe because I am not very good at detaching yet, that its better to "avoid" the situation than to walk away from him when he turns up drunk.
Its a struggle with no right/clear answer to me right now. But I appreciate your ESH...
