The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Blood pressure this evening 212/96. I have to go on alone. I cannot stand any more of the undercurrent that is in this house even when all seems peaceful. He just left screaming and throwing things. I am beginning to feel my health deteriorating, and I know it is because of his abominable and abhorrent behavior. Never in my life have I felt so totally lost and empty. He will not admit any of the blame for the destruction of our great love affair. He will not admit his part in the destruction of my happiness.
Please don't review the benefits of AlAnon with me. I know it all. I have heard it all. I have tried it all. I have lost.
And, God help me, I don't know what to do now.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I'm so sorry to hear about all this. One thing I wonder is why you want/need him to admit his part in the destruction of your happiness. What's true is true whether an insane person admits it or not. I too have struggled with thinking that I'd feel less pain if only he would admit to some part in it. Of course, if they were able to have some perspective, there wouldn't be such a mess in the first place.
I have a problem with not being able to let go unless I win the argument. (The argument is usually about whether he should take any of the blame.) I have to keep remembering, "Recovery isn't winning, it's not playing."
You sound so stressed. Please take very very good care of yourself. You are so worth it.
I struggle greatly with myself in the way I NEED the ex-A to acknowledge what he's doing to me/us/himself/everyone else. Almost every exchange I have with him is me trying to convince him to see what a ******* he is. I don't understand fully why I do this. But I hate it. I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate that he can very correctly say to me "all you ever do is put me down". It's like I'm repetitively going to him to reassure myself that I'm not crazy, that I see what I see, that I hear what I hear, that it is what it is....right? I'm going to HIM to reaffirm I'm not crazy?? Now THAT's crazy.
Sending you lots of love and prayers. Answers come when we are most ready to receive them. I believe the answer is right in front of you. You'll be okay. We have your back. Much love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Expecting anA to own their part in anything is futile as I'm sure you know....hes sick.....youre becoming sicker...we are invisible and irrelevant when alcoholism is in control. We become diminished by the disease.....it sucks us in...... and then sucks the life out of us......cunning baffling and powerful eh?
Watch that blood pressure......will he be there for you if you have a stroke?
Ive been insanely sick too Diva.....it took a long time for me to let go and a lot of work to get through the grief when I did... a lot.....but we only let go when were ready and then if we look to others who walk in the same shoes for support.....well....I only know its getting better for me.
Your topic title says it all... I have been right there where you are. Almost insane ranting and raving... sometimes after I have gone to bed, wake up to someone screaming at the top of thier lungs how they are miserable and its all my fault...
I became afraid to go to sleep before her, she was just acting so crazy that I didn't know what she would do.
You are not alone Diva, and there is a way past this.
Please take good care of you!
- Ron
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I feel your pain. I hope that things look better soon. I don't have a cute quote or anything like that for you, plus I don't think you want one. I just want you to know that we are here for you to vent to. Always acceptable here. We are here for you! You are in my prayers and thoughts.
I do have a "cute quote." It's what carried me through my divorce....
"God did not bring you this far to drop you on your head."
You're going to be just fine, with or without him. My health suffered a great deal too, and recovery convinced me that it's not what my HP wants for me. I did the best I could with the tools I had. I am grieving the loss of my great love affair too. I am grateful to be in a fellowship that understands.
Take care of yourself. WHATEVER that looks like.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Aloha Diva...Taking care of you most often means dropping whatever or whoever you're trying to hold up at the same time. Put yourself in your Higher Powers hands and go focus on your needs. BP numbers support self care. Go Now!! We'll be here in support. (((((hugs)))))
Well my blood pressure started rising too because I bought into all the frustration and pressure. I decided I did not want to take a medication for it. I know I dealt with an ex A kicking screaming and disaster around every corner. Getting out of it is a tricky business. There is no clear cut path through it. Nevertheless I see you having greater and greater balance on what you are responsible for and what he is. Your health is valuable. You deserve it.
That is a dangerous bp, I hope you are seeing a doctor. I enjoy your posts on the board and have a lot to offer. Please that a step back and take care of you, you are so worth it.
I think you already know what you need to do. You have to put yourself first and take care of you. He can't and won't. Period.
I am sorry for your pain, but it will lessen. Just give it time. UGH--it sounds like such a platitude, but I experienced it over the past year. I put one foot in front of the other, tried to do what I needed to do for me, and took each day as it came. It slowly got easier to breathe, to smile, to laugh, to enjoy anything.
Hang in there!!
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Oh Diva, I just stepped back in time with you...and the pain was intolerable...but the difference was that it was your pain producing a flashback for me.
I, in my heart, feel that you DO KNOW what to do, but like me (all those years ago, by myself and with NO MIP or other support) you truthfullly DON't want to admit it because it means YOU HAVE to CHANGE something.
Choose life DIVA and walk that line with love in your heart, around your heart, pouring into your heart from your WILL to change the situation and your higher power and this family upholding you. YOU WILL MAKE IT DIVA because you are wise and strong and loving and capable, even though the pain of your decision is going to hurt you as much as it will help you right this minute.
YOU ARE TOO PRECIOUS TO LOSE...so go fight your demons and walk tall and know you are being loved through all of this...let go, let GOD as that all empowering prayer suggests, his acceptance is not worth the pain YOUR ACCEPTANCE IS...LET THAT PAIN WORK FOR YOU not against you and put YOURSELF FIRST for your health's sake right this minute. Stop fighting, start walking away from what is destroying you, that is what screams at me from your heart and your soul.
with LOVE, Suzannah
-- Edited by Suzannah on Saturday 16th of January 2010 05:10:24 AM
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Thanks to all of you who have so graciously offered me your love and your hope. Had an hour-long talk with my doctor yesterday. She understands by experience what I'm going through, and her enlightened words touched my heart just as yours have.
Yes. I DO know what I have to do. I have put it off year after year, hoping he would let go of his denial. Eventually I hoped, we will lead a happy life again. No, dear ones, I don't think we will. The only answer is for me to begin the arduous journey of regaining Diva; the happiness and joy out there. I simply have to make the first move to find it again.
Yesterday evening I told him that he must leave. He said he has no other family and nowhere to go. This isn't my problem. I finally get it!!!!! We went no further for now. But I will stand strong this time. My health and well-being are too important to compromise. (He doesn't even understand how his behavior is affecting my health).
Suzannah, I have copied your response; using it as a guide. Your words are comforting, kind, and true. Like an alcoholic must, I have hit the bottom of my tolerance. The few of you who actually know me, know a girl who is strong, capable, and intelligent. I am going to get through this. I hope he does. But that is up to him.
With great affection,
Diva
-- Edited by Diva on Saturday 16th of January 2010 09:23:09 AM
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Sending you a hug, praying that you follow a path that leads you to happiness. This disease just destroys all in its path....please try and take care of you and your health.....
I so know what you are going through. Lately when my Ah flies into a rage, I feel like the stress of it is really gunna kill me this time. The thing is that lately I have also flown into a rage back at him. I become a raving screaming lunitic. I hate this. And like you, I dont know what to do. We are suposed to be moving in a couple of weeks to another state and I just cant make up my mind if I'm going with him. I know nothing i have said is helpful and I'm sorry. Just wanted you to know that I think I'm pretty sure I know how you are feeling write now.
