The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know in my heart of hearts that the Addicts drug has nothing to do with why he is not in love with me and, ultimately, it is that rejection that I struggle with most.
You're not alone. I struggle DEEPLY, DEEPLY with my qualifier's rejection to me. Except I cannot blame it on the drugs or alcohol because he is currently clean.
Addicts and alcoholics also make bad choices just like I do/did...they react and then ask themselves "why did I do that?" In all cases they are human living with a life threatening disease that screws up their minds, bodies, spirits and emotions. Compared to some of the crazy choices I made my alcoholic was a picture of perfection...LOL You cannot separate the alcohol from the alcoholic or the drug from the druggie. There is nothing they are so into in their lives as their chemical of choice...everything is lower on the list.
Don't complete the rejection of yourself. Learn to love and support yourself unconditionally and stick in the program. (((((hugs)))))
I chose someone who has a tendency to stay aloof from people (except for an early period when he alternated between hot and cold -- but even then the rejecting tendencies were there). So I chose someone like that, and then I felt terrible that he pushed me away. Hmmm! That was a relevation. What I realized in my case is that I have an inner belief that "Everyone will push me away, so it's no use waiting for the one who won't." Hmm again! It seems there is a lot of sick thinking there which I am still in the process of undoing. Anyway, it made things a lot clearer when I realized that I was accepting people who are rejecting. This pain of being rejected feels awfully familiar -- my childhood was just like this. I'm going to try to pay better attention to my choices next time around.
I too have come to realize that I choose partners for myself who are not emotionally available. I've always been intimidated by men who are "together" and willing to participate 50-50. Unhealthy dysfunctional behaviour has always been what I knew best and so has always been what I attracted.
I'm learning new ways now, in hopes to attract something new also, for my future.
I don't believe any more the ex A rejected me. His disease progressed that means death. I could say that is the ultimate rejection of all. Nevertheless I do feel the rejection first was to himself, he chose to let his disease win. Really I had nothing much to do with it but a fantasy that he would somehow come around to take care of me. That was the fantasy, the reality always was he was an addict and he wanted to be an addict and what I wanted didn't matter because the drug came first. I can't take that as a rejection any more because I no longer buy the fantasy.
