The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So my co depence is screaming right now. What I consider to be one of my best friends is an A. She recently split from her husband because she reached sobrity and thought that she needed to do more exploration in life. In reality a year later and a failed relationship since her divorce she is missing her ex husband desperatley. I really feel great compassion, because I understand her loniness. My problem is my husband who also thinks the world of her also is good friends with her ex husband and thinks they are a bad match. I could care less personally, I just wish them both happiness in what ever choices they make, together or not. Who is to say she hasn't changed for the best, god knows she is committed to her health and getting better daily. Last night they had dinner and her ex expresses his frustrations about getting back together bring up the friend card. Crap my husband is one name and opinion comes up in the argument about them getting back together. What am I to do. I really want support my friend, but I am married (thank god not necessarily to my husbands opinion). I told my friend I was sorry for me. My husband has reservations on communicating with her and this issue. UGH and what worse she and I both have bonded over this A thing, we both suffer from family members A. I am stuck, here I want to support her, but I live with my husband... OIY I feel tied in side... I really have this nack for want to complete and fix people... HIGHER POWER do your thing and keep me out of it!!! PLEASE!! Thanks for listening to my outburst of frustration! Alicia
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Still looking for that famous quote! Important thing is I am Here!
difficult times....piggy in the middle springs to mind! a feeling i know so well. AH had difficulties dealing with my teenage daughter from a previous marriage who was living with us. She was unstable, depressed, self harming, drinking, smoking, doing cannabis and prescription meds, miscarried at 13 years of age, and was suicidal. AH had very different ideas on what was/wasn't acceptabe behaviour from her. He had no concept of her previous history as we weren't allowed to discuss it infront of him. Little by little my daughter learnt, from me presumably, that some things in life are out of our control. Her self esteem started to return and she grew in confidence. The negative behaviour was gradually replaced. Who cared if she was a little overweight? Who cared if she sat watching TV until the early hours? Who cared if she faked an illness so that she didn't have to go to school? She was the one who had to live with her own body image. She was the one who had bags under her eyes in the morning. She was the one who got extra homework to catch up on her lessons. DETATCHMENT!!!! There goes that word again! AH bottled his frustrations until that fateful night that he had to be removed for both of our safety as he exploded in an uncontrollable frenzy. If only then i knew the lessons i have learnt since!!! i would have said that i needed to care for her my own way! i would have said that his merciless teasing of her had to stop! i would have said that i needed his support not his hinderence. When i moved out my daughter was given the choice of staying with me or moving back to her sister's house. She chose the latter. It was her choice to make and i allowed her to make it. She had guilt feelings for leaving me but i said he must put them to bed. She had to do what was right for her just the same as i am doing what is right for me now. She is now settling into her new school, working hard and planning a career in health and beauty. She has also thanked me for teaching her that it is ok to decide what it is she wants to do, what it is that she needs, and to take the bull by the horns and go for it!!
Very hard situation to be in the middle of, and you are right. Stay out of it is probably the best option, as I see it. You can be supportive without being a part of it. It is not your or your husbands business whom she dates including her ex husband. You do not have to be the matchmaker or a hinderance. you can just be there for her to talk and be happy for her to have found sobriety and the ability to decide what she wants from life.
Hang in there and stand back and watch. Sometimes that gets us the best veiw of the miracle.
JMHO,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
This what is known as practice time...Work it good and work it consitently and don't try to work it alone...Hope you have people in program to call and talk with and a sponsor for wise guidance. This is MYOB practice time. Mind Your Own Business and detach...let them (the others) do what they think is best for them and work on "No...I'm not gonna go there and I'm not gonna touch that." This IS our disease...the addiction of getting involved with people we should not be involved with attempting do something that is none of our business at a time we shouldn't be doing it at places we should not be in expecting outcomes that are totally fictional. When I realize that was what I did consistently by habit and reaction I learned about my addiction (fixing addiction or just manage with manipulation addiction) I got a sense of self importance from it and no peace of mind and spirit. Today I know how to say no to me and also how to (if I have to) takes myself away from trouble.
I also learned that there was nothing loving about what I did or how I did it. It was about power and control and a false sense of pride.
I really aperciate your story. I see this happening a lot with my 16 year old cousin. She was in this crazy distructive faze. I was constantly telling her how to live her life. I am not keeping the distants and letting go. I have seen a positive response from her since, she is making some choices that sound healthy. I just hope she continues down this path. Thanks again! Alicia
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Still looking for that famous quote! Important thing is I am Here!
Well i think being a friend may be just listening. I've gone far from the times when I think I need to be there in every single way. Opinions are opinions rather than mandates.
