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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> IS HE AN ALCOHOLIC??
Post Info TOPIC: IS HE AN ALCOHOLIC??
DBROOKS5511


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IS HE AN ALCOHOLIC??
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Hi, my name is Diana and I am 20 years old. I have been in an on and off again relationship with my boyfriend of 4 years. He is EVERYTHING I would want in a man and I could definitely see myself marrying and starting a family with him, EXCEPT when he drinks.

I am not sure if Al-Anon is right for me or not. Here is my situation, just about EVERYTIME he has drank in the past he has been an "angry drunk". But only towards me, I was told that even before we were together--he was that way. Are some people just genetically predetermined to be this way? Anyways, it has ALWAYS been a huge issue everytime one of these "incidents" has taken place. He has driven with me many times while being extremely intoxicated and this past April we got into a car accident when he refused to let me drive, he was going about 60 around a turn and we flipped twice. His insurance company came back to say it was a tire blow out and they paid in full for his whole car. At first he was EXTREMELY appologetic and I didn't see him for weeks. Then he continued to take responsibilty for his actions, until he heard back from the insurance company. Several times throughout our relationship I have broken up with him for weeks or gone on a break for long amounts of time. Everytime he tells me that he PROMISES he will not EVER drink again and will be able to do this. Which he has prooved himself for very LONG amounts of time, whether it be 6 months or even a year, but eventually we go out again and it inevitably happens again. We have tried him only drinking beer, only having a few drinks, only drinking wine, only drinking certain types of alcohol, and even him taking a Xanex because it seemed to make him a more "happy drunk". I have told him time and time again that I would be able to completely stop and NEVER again touch a drop in my life for him, as long as he is able to do this. Because I don't want to tempt him, we have gone LONG periods of time without going out.. In order to not put him in a setting where he is tempted to drink. Our generation is FILLED with drinkers, almost everyone I knew at the University of Oklahoma drank--athletes, book worms, or people in Sororities or Fraternities. On New Years, I asked him if it was okay if I had a drink and he said yes, if he could have one at midnight. I stupidly agreed, I always have faith in the fact that he can ONLY have one drink or suppress his anger. You would think by now I would have come to the understanding that hes NOT ever going to change, but I still haven't. I do not by any means think that he is the definition of an "alcoholic" because he is able to completely cut drinking out of his life for long periods of time. But I don't know WHAT I would classify this as. I just know that as many people that I have been around drinking throughout my entire life, NEVER have I met one that is just an "angry drunk" like he is! It is like a switch just goes off in his head and we go from having a great time to him being extremely rude. I broke up with him in an attempt for both of us to better our lives... Which he realizes he has anger management issues and has been going to see a therapist, reading books (which he hasn't done since he was 9), and choosing to live with his mom this semester when he could easily go live with a bad influence and make bad decisions. When he quit drinking, he began smoking marijuana. It started out occassionally, turned into only at nights, and recently his parents have been going through a divorce and he has found out some pretty disturbing things--it turned into him smoking ALL the time. I feel like I can't even begin to explain his personality and all the things he has done over the years but anything he does, it always has to be to the EXTREME! How do I convince him that he has an ADDICTIVE personality and that there IS a problem?? His argument is always that "He could go cold turkey at ANY time and does not have a serious problem". I just want to get through to him, any advice whatsoever would be greatly appreciated.. Thanks. cry

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DBROOKS5511


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Any info whatsoever would also be helpful on this topic. I want to be able to print off verifiable evidence of WHY I think he is an addict, even though he doesn't fit the perfect description of one. I want him to REALIZE he has a problem and why.

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DBROOKS5511


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Thank you so much for your support and quick message back! I appreciate it. But you did refer to him as an alcoholic, does that mean that it does not have to be everyday behavior in order to be classified as that?

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Mattie


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One definition I have seen is that if it causes problems in the person's life, and they can't/don't/won't stop, then they have an alcohol problem.

I can tell you that my ex is a drinker sort of like your boyfriend -- he goes many months without drinking, even years at times.  And then he starts again.  His drinking has caused more problems than I can tell: DUIs, court-ordered rehab, passing out, stealing, etc. etc. etc.  But he doesn't consider it alcoholism (or even "problem drinking") because he says he can stop for a while.  And each time he swears he'll never start again and it'll never be a problem again, and anyone who says it is is just trying to cause trouble and has no faith, and so on.

I've seen this a lot -- people whose drinking causes problems, but who declare that they're not alcoholics because "alcoholics" do some kind of thing that they don't do.  Alcoholics drink before noon, or lose their jobs, or live under bridges, or drink every day, or whatever, and as long as the person in question doesn't do that one thing, he's decided he's fine.  But if alcohol is causing problems in their life, they're not fine.  And if they keep on drinking, however they do it, it's not fine. And if his drinking is causing a problem in your life, whatever he says, then it's definitely not fine for you.

I hope you can get to some face-to-face meetings and learn all you can about this disease.  There's lots to learn.  One thing is that we (the ones around the drinkers) see the problem a lot more clearly than they do, because the disease makes them kind of insane, and one symptom of it is that they lose touch with reality.  Another thing that happens is that we keep thinking we can just explain it to them well enough and they'll see the light and decide to stop drinking.  Unfortunately, when the disease has a grip on them, it's very hard for them to see the light, and they always have to come to it on their own.  Other people can't do it for them.

But the good news is that we can change and our lives can get a lot better as we learn and work on our own recovery from the insanity that alcoholism pulls the drinker + others into.  Read all you can here and keep coming back.  We've all been in the same boat.

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Festfan


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Hi there - I'm pretty new here too - found the site shortly after NYE too and am dealing with a boyfriend who can't control his drinking.  Everything (almost) that you wrote in your original post are things I have tried or have heard from my BF. 

Yes - he can be an alcoholic if he doesn't drink everyday...or if he drinks only beer... or if he stops for awhile, but starts up for awhile.  If he can't control it - it is a problem. 

When I first started to worry about my BF - I did searches online - "what is drinking too much" and "alcoholism".  You will learn a lot by reading and by this community.  But I agree with tlcate - you can't change him - not about this - no matter what else he has changed in his life for you.  All you can do is change how you react to it - to stop making you crazy...

Keep reading and posting and go to a few meetings to talk to people.  I never thought I would learn so much in such a short period of time, but you are in a good place. 

Good luck & Peace,

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Peace!
abbyal


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Your wasting your time trying to get thru to him until he says enough -- there is never enough . I suspect u already know the answer to the question u asked here .  Serious car accident , violent temper when drinking . ????   Do u belong here ?  yes u do . please get help before u get yourself killed in another accident .

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intothewoods


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Hi DBrooks! Yes, you are in the right place! This forum is wonderful and there are so many people here who can share things with you that will help you so much. You won't believe it! Keep coming back!


I just had to say that this sentence was me:
"He is EVERYTHING I would want in a man and I could definitely see myself marrying and starting a family with him, EXCEPT when he drinks."

That was me a year ago. And I married my alcoholic. And no, he didn't magically change. Because "I didn't CAUSE it, I can't CONTROL it, and I can't CURE it!" That is the first and best thing I learned in Al-Anon, and I'm learning how true that is more and more every day.

I just wanted to tell you to seriously give the "marrying and starting a family with him" part some thought before you jump in. Trust me, you don't want to set yourself up for a lifetime of this crazy behavior.

Also, think of it this way. This behavior and the drinking IS a part of him, a major part! Is that on your list of what you want in a man? No? Then he's NOT "everything" you want in a man, is he?

I wish I had been able to hear all of this before I put that ring on my finger, let me tell you! But that's life! You are in the right place! Keep reading and learning. :)

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Debilyn


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If you want to research it, just put in genetics addiction in your search.

Being an addict is very much in our genes. Some people have more of the markers than others.

I am sorry you are having to face this at such a young age. The best place for you is Al Anon.

I can say however, many of my friends in hi school drank but were not addicts. It was the thing to do.

Was not until we grew up that we saw who was an addict and who was not.

But it  really does not matter at this point as you are unsafe with him. He does not make good decisions.

One day at a time tells us what we will do that day. Right now he is in trouble. You however have come to a great choice coming to Al Anon.

You can help him by gleaning all you can from Al Anon meetings in your area, on here in the Chat room and this board. The more you know the better.

Glad you are here. love,debilyn

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Jerry F


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Aloha Diana...The best way right now to get answers to your question is read thru the
post going back aways and look at all the newcomers who have come here with close to
or the same questions and confusions you now have.  Read them with an open mind and
hold them for yourself.   Alcoholism is in part a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of
the body.  It has become most important to him than you have and that is normal and
why you're in trouble.   The 3cs which have already been given to you are facts yet you
said the magical qualifying words for the Al-Anon Family Groups...He is everything I want
in a man...except when he drinks.  You will never fix that part or be the reason why he
fixes that part.   The chinese have a way of saying how the relationship goes with an
alcoholic..."First the man takes a drink...then the drink takes a drink...then the drink
takes the man."  Alcohol is his obsession, his drug of choice, his compulsion and he has
become yours.  That is what it becomes to us who have tried "fixing" someone we don't
know how is broke and then we find out that alcoholism is "cunning, powerful and
baffling" and the more we try and beg the worse it gets.  I tried to figure it out, put it
into a neat form and box so that I could easily understand but I got as drunk on my
alcoholic wife as she got on alcohol and I got sicker than she did, insane for sure
because I didn't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality like she did.  We go
thru it wide awake and they live in denial and blackouts. 

Your man has a life threatening disease that can be fatal if it isn't arrested by total
abstinence.  Alcoholics have 3 choices as the definition of alcoholism states it...
sobriety, insanity or death.   I've witnessed it all and I've seen it kill others in the
zone of the disease while the alcoholic continues to drink...not only by driving.  It
doesn't matter how much, when, where, for what or anything else about his drinking.
What qualifies you for the program is that it has affected your mind, body, spirit and
emotions...you came looking for help.  You're qualified.

What I did was called the hotline number for Al-Anon from the white pages of my local
telephone book.  I found myself on it after calling the numbers for Help in Emotional
Troubles and the Suicide Prevention Center (both were unavailable and my HP wanted
me at Al-Anon anyway).  I went as suggested and then also as suggested did a meeting
every day or more for the next 90 days.  They told me that if I thought Al-Anon wasn't
what I needed I could try anything or everything else and they would gladly refund my
miseries.  I have never found out what they did with my miseries cause I never took
them back and for that I am most grateful.

You have tapped into a worldwide fellowship of hundreds of thousands of friends,
families and associates of alcoholics; some sober many not, who come together to
support each other into recovery.  I hope you stick around and listen for the
suggestions of others and how they have done it because only one of the things the
program will return to you is your serenity and a life better than you thought could be.

((((hugs)))) smile

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Diva


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I stopped reading your post after the first paragraph:
Reply Quote

"Hi, my name is Diana and I am 20 years old. I have been in an on and off again relationship with my boyfriend of 4 years. He is EVERYTHING I would want in a man and I could definitely see myself marrying and starting a family with him, EXCEPT when he drinks."

Marriage is not a "sometimes" thing.  If you cannot imagine being married to him every day and finding joy in every day with him, exposing your children to him every day, and delightfully anticipate the rest of your life with him, perhaps it would be wise to do some serious soul searching.  Not advising you; just giving you my thoughts.

Best wishes, Diva


-- Edited by Diva on Thursday 14th of January 2010 11:35:04 AM

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canadianguy


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Glad you found us, and welcome to MIP.... 

Is he an alcoholic??  Probably, from what you've said....

You  have received some great responses already to your post - believe me, many of us are dying to yell "Run Forrest Run" at the top of our lungs to you, but the reality is that the choice is (always) yours, and only you will know what is the right thing for your unique situation.....

I would simply encourage you to read literature, and find out what you are getting yourself into....  Any/all of the books suggested on the Al-Anon sites will be of tremendous help, as will "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews....

The Three C's are of paramount importance - it is not your role (or likely within your ability) to "convince" him that he has a drinking problem, and/or that he is an alcoholic.... In fact, in most cases, he will likely resent you for the implication.....  To some extent, this is his battle to fight, and his recovery is just that - HIS. 

Take care, and keep coming back...

Tom

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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
barisax


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DBROOKS5511 wrote:

Hi, my name is Diana and I am 20 years old. I have been in an on and off again relationship with my boyfriend of 4 years. He is EVERYTHING I would want in a man and I could definitely see myself marrying and starting a family with him, EXCEPT when he drinks.


Your answer is right there in your first sentence.  I will now read the rest of your post, although there is no need to in order to answer the posed question.

Barisax

 



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Ness


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I hope you re-read your own post....because the answer you are looking for is shouting from the page. This disease is cunning baffling and powerful.....its already stealing precious time of your life.

You didnt cause it, You cant control it and You cant cure it

Keep coming back.....

(((((hugs))))) Ness



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