The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know that no one can tell me what to do, but I want to run a situation by you and get some opinions.
Last year we were supposed to go to Hawaii. We've been going every year for 10 years. We have a time-share there, so we don't every have to play for a place to stay.
We bought 2 plane tickets and the 3rd one was purchased with frequent flyer miles.
Because my AH's drinking was so out of control at that time, we had to cancel the trip. I was able to get the airline to waive the change fee and they gave us a year to re-issue our tickets.
Well a year is coming up at the end of the month. If I do not rebook the tickets by then, we will lose the money we paid. I can get the mileage put back into my account, but I think I have to pay a fee to do that.
Anyway, as it turns out, there's an airfare sale going on for the time that would be perfect for us to go (right after our son gets out of school).
The plane tickets are paid for already, the time-share is paid for already, the only thing we would need to pay for would be a rental car, gas, and groceries while we're there.
I hate to lose out on our tickets, but part of me thinks that with the situation we're in, we really shouldn't be thinking about spending any additional money on a trip to Hawaii.
When my husband gets out of jail for his DUI, he will have a lot of fines to pay.
So my dilemma is:
Do I sacrifice yet another trip to Hawaii because of him, or do I say let's do it anyway - I deserve this?
I know no one can tell me what to do, I'm just looking for a little ESH.
Depending where you will be going in Hawaii you may not need a car. In fact when we went there it was suggested to not get a car because of parking situations.
I think I would plan to go if it was me. If A husband starts his drinking again would you be ok to go with just your son? I think that would be great fun. You should not...if at all possible...give up this opportunity. I think I remember when you were suppose to go last year.
I have redeposited frequent flyer miles and it costs a little bit -- I think $75 per ticket on my airlines -- but definitely cheaper than losing those miles altogether.
My experience was that once my A was capable of ruining a vacation by drinking, I could never relax, because it would happen again. I was on pins and needles the whole time waiting for something bad to happen. And something generally did. It wasn't always a big thing, but something enough to make detaching really necessary. So one question would be: how strong is your detachment?
If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't let him take away from my own enjoyment of our time-share. I'd go with just my son, or better yet, with a female friend or family and my son.
You can also swap time-share places (I'm sure you know this), so you could preserve the chance of having a vacation somewhere else another time. And can you sell your week this year to a family who wants a not-too-expensive week in Hawaii? That would be another way to recoup some of the expenses. However, I'm of the opinion that the A ought to pay his own drinking costs and penalties. But if you are in need of extra funds too, that might be a way to help yourself out -- or give yourself and your son another kind of treat to make up for passing up on Hawaii this year.
My two cents.... I think that you & your son going to Hawaii and having a fabulous time would be an excellent example of your ability to work your program, and detachment.... Now if you went & visited Jerry while you were there, even better!!! :)
I say.... go for it.
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I am of the same mind as the others here , go and enjoy yourself , if hubby is in jail == oh well . find a friend to go instead . And if you are anywhere near jerry phone him and perhaps he would see that u found a meeting to go to . Louise
Actually, our time-share is on the same island where Jerry lives! How cool would it be to attend a meeting with him??????
Actually, the only time we can go would be when my son is out of school and AH will be out of jail by then, so he would be going with us.
I guess my main concern is financial. Should I be responsible and sacrifice the trip since he'll have so many fines to pay when he gets out? Or should I do what I want and not care about the additional costs?
I too have rationalized that no matter where we are (here or on vacation) we will have to pay for gas and groceries, but gas and groceries in Hawaii are a bit more expensive. And yes, we'll have to rent a car - you definitely need a car to get around on The Big Island.
Aloha N8SMom...gas for sure...Don't get me started...Okay I won't (good program Jerry!!) Food following our local culture (many varied plate lunches which are not very expensive and you can do a "upscale" touristy thing if you like. (what it looks like after I eat it is gonna be different than before I eat it so that don't count anymore). If you're gonna just do the beach at the time share then you don't need the car to get there and if you're gonna do a meeting where Jerry does a meeting and you're in Hilo then all it takes is a phone call and we go get you or the drive is very short. If you're in Kona we're probably gonna just talk on the phone (120 miles away) and we get there on special occasions. I'd like the phone call as much as the face to face.
If he's got the responsibility of the fines can he afford both the fines and the trip and does his probation require no drinking? His probation officer can be a tool in this condition...he might not even be allowed to leave the state. And...being a drunk on the Big Island might qualify him for our jails and an extended stay in yours when he gets back home for contempt. That is the way it is working now.
Anyhow this looks like an opportunity for a future resentment for you and your son if you do anything else than come without him. It might be a resentment anyway. However you choose to do it? You gotta accept the consequences. Plan good and then turn it over. If you do come...PM me with the dates and we can exchange notes and program and stuff. (((((hugs)))))
I made the decision to go ahead and rebook the trip. I called the time-share and booked the week. Then I called Hawaiian Airlines to book the tickets. I re-booked the two tickets that we purchased first and then went to re-book the ticket that was purchased with frequent flyer miles. There is an increase in the frequent flyer miles (last year's trip was 35,000 and this year's is 50,000), but I have the additional miles in my account to cover it, so no big deal.
Well apparently it is a big deal because Hawaiian Airlines won't rebook the mileage ticket unless the mileage is the same as the previous ticket. I don't get it? Don't they want my extra miles?
I guess someone is trying to tell me that we shouldn't go to Hawaii again this year. I'm so sad.
I'm going to keep checking up until the very last minute because you never know when seats will open up. I have until January 26th before we lose last year's tickets.
If you can't get the flights rebooked the simple way, you can redeposit the miles and start over. It will cost a little money but less than buying two tickets to Hawaii with cash.
You say,
"Actually, the only time we can go would be when my son is out of school and AH will be out of jail by then, so he would be going with us."
You know what is best for your family, but my point was that AH doesn't have to go, just because he's out of jail. If he would go out of control and endanger your serenity, you can choose a separate vacation, just as you might go to the movies without him or lunch with just your son. You can make the choice.
I'm echoing Mattie - just because your AH is out of jail doesn't mean he HAS to go with you, too. Maybe the two tickets being rebooked is HP's way of saying just take your son and go? Just a thought....
Sounds to me that only ONE ticket isn't as possible. Might that be the message. Change takes courage. Turn it over time and let your HP come deeper into the solution. ((hugs))
Thanks everyone. Unfortunately the two tickets are in my son's and AH's name and the name cannot be changed. My ticket is the one that was purchased using frequent flyer miles.
Remember the good old days when you could travel without ID? We wouldn't be having this problem right now if that was still the case. And it really wasn't all that long ago either.
