My heart is breaking for my mom who passed away last month. - Al-Anon Family Group

Columbine 1122 · Newbie

My heart is breaking for my mom who passed away last month.

miss lucy · Senior Member

i was so sad reading your post. i hope time becomes a great healer for you and that you come to realise that, much as you would have liked to do more and make your mum well, there was nothing you could have done. i have not been a member here myself for long but what i can tell you is that you are not alone. there are many people who have suffered as you are suffering now and there is a community out here ready to support and comfort you wherever possible. keep posting and sharing your hurt that we may all join together to get you through this. and you will. all in good time when you are ready. alcoholism is an all consuming, dreadful disease that not only affects the person who it has claimed as its next victim but it also dramatically affects the friends and families too, often more than the victim themselves. be strong and be patient and let the relief come that your mum is suffering no more and is at peace. and be at peace with yourself.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Shere)))

I am so very sorry for the loss of your Mom. I know how painful the loss due to alcoholism can be. You are in the right place and will find help and understanding from many who have walked in your shoes.

Alcoholism is a disease and we who have lived with this disease have been adversely affected. Alanon has tools and literature that will help you to process the past and enable you to view a more positive future.

MIP has on-line meeetigs here 3 times a day and a 24 hour chat that you may find helpful. AlAnon also has face to face meeting in every community. Simply check the white pages and call the main number listed. You will be given a list of meetings in your area. Please consider attending ASAP.

You are not alone and do not have to deal with this alone

Please keep coming back

-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 14th of January 2010 12:16:33 AM

nal · Senior Member

((Shere)),

I am so sorry for your loss.

Nancy

ythannah · Senior Member

I'm so sorry for your loss, Shere. (((hugs)))

I too lost my mother to alcoholism (cirrhosis) this past November, 10 days after my 46th birthday. So I had quite a few more years with mine than you did.

I did accept that there was nothing I could do to change the course of her disease, the best I could do was help home detox her once in 2000 when she briefly decided to quit drinking. And that was entirely her own initiative.

I have recently become involved with Al Anon because I recognize that I have my own sickness from having lived with alcoholism so long, especially as a child when I didn't have the cognitive ability to know crazy from sane.

For me, the saddest part seems to be mourning what "might have been" for our relationship, instead of what it really was... alcoholism robbed us of any chance to have a close, meaningful relationship.

Columbine 1122 · Newbie

Thank you SO, SO much. For so long I have felt like I was the only one going through this. I know it's not true, but never talking to anyone experiencing the same thing made me feel extremely lonely. I'm an only child and my mom had no friends, no coworkers, no husband or boyfriend and had alienated everyone in her life. That has made it so much harder for me to cope with this. I'm very open to this process and meeting people and hopefully feeling a bit more relief knowing I'm not alone.

Peggy7 · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad you are here. I'm so sorry for the life you lead and the sadness you are feeling. Know that others understand and most of all keep coming back.

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Shere, Im sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story with us, please know you are not alone. Al-Anon is a gentle programme, lots of healing to be found here at MIP and in the rooms of face to face Al-Anon meetings where members share their experience strength and hope.

Too often this disease isolates us and fills us with fear.....this can and does change.

I hope you keep coming back.

(((((hugs))))) Ness

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Columbine...You're in the right place. I am glad that your loss can rub up against
the celebrations here especially those which have come from similar losses.   I relate to
your story as you see it, telll it and did it. I did those things, wished those things, felt
those things and mostly for the same reasons. It was crazy certainly and I didn't know
it. Just thought I was crazy. I was in program when my Mom passed on and I was also
a substance abuse behavioral counselor...amazing that before my mom passed on I was
given the opportunity by my HP to be allowed by both my mom and step-father to work
with them during a crazy chaotic episode. The next day from her hospital bed and room
they both experessed deep gratitude and when she passed there was serenity.   You can
get the opportunity to arrive at that also here and in the program.   I pray you stick
around with us and grow in recovey with us.    (((((hugs))))) smile

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom over ten years ago and it still hurts. But the hurt does get less with time . You say ¨Maybe I could have done this, Maybe I could have done that. ¨ Please don't beat yourself up with ¨could have¨s. I hope you can find some comfort in remembering the good times and ¨her bright smile, her loving self when she was sober...¨
And please keep coming back. The people here are wonderfully caring and understanding.
(((Colubine 1122)))

intothewoods · Veteran Member

I'm sorry for your loss as well.

I lost my mom (to diabetes) 14 years ago, and, yes it still hurts, but (as others have said) it DOES get better. It WILL get better. Only time can heal you, but it will.

Hang in there! You are in the right place for healing. :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

This is so strange. My Dad's wife (adoptive parnents) died Jan.17 three years ago.

He was telling me he is doing the same story in his head. Should he have tried to revive her? What if he would have tried? What if he would have allowed the paramedics to try?

What if she did not have cancer?

I just told him my esh with deaths in my life and other peoples is this, we always seem to have a last regret. Should I have done this? If I had more time, I could have done that.

It is part of our grieving process. I thought, my husband said please don' t leave. I thought I could go home and he would be ok. If I had only stayed...

My daddy told me not to come see him when he was so sick. I should have just gone!

I could go on and on.

What you are feeling is so normal.

Age does not matter, losing our mothers is horrible. I went really crazy for about two years. I was fortunate, she was my best friend.

I know that pain, emptiness. Went to work finally, asked a co worker,"will this pain ever go away?" She said,"no."

And it hasn't. BUT the space in between the painful grieving gets bigger and bigger. It has been almost ten years for me. I break down about every three months or so.

I still think about calling her on Sundays, and when I cannot remember how to cook something, or when I wonder about past family stuff.

Love for me was the only thing that got me thru. i mean from all those around me.

I know how you feel. Please accept a hug from me.

A neat couple adopted me after Mother died. It was such a healing time for me. Then three years ago I lost her too.

Every once in awhile, this thing happens. It is not her, but I get this feeling like wind around me, and a deep memory, I say hi mother. Or I look at my hands and they look like hers, and I say hi mother. I find it comforting.

If I were you I would write down your feelings. Would do my best to remember some good things. Even if it is only how shiney her hair was.

A counselor once had me go out into my woods and sit down and talk to my Mother as if she was there to say goodbye. it helped me.

I did the same with my first husband who died.

Sometimes we don't have to say things to that person. We can get it out of us.

My first husband was 27. I felt so guilty as we had a fight. He walked off. Then was in a horrible accident. Never was him again. I always felt so awful. Then "talking" to him I realized he would never have blamed me and we would have made up like every other time. Took me "7" years to figure this out.

Hope something in this esh helps ya. Grieving is horribly hard work.

I learned to treat "me" as the walking wound I was. Napped, took care of my survival needs. It is ok to take care of you for as long as it takes. People try to push others who grieve, I did not allow it. Told them it takes as long as it does. NO one can rush a deep wound.

Glad you came here. You encouraged me to do some more work on me.

love,debilyn
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Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Columbine)))),

Welcome to the MIP family. My deepest sympathies on the loss of your mother. I lost my mother at the very tender age of 19. It wasn't to alcohol but she was sick nonetheless. I can tell you 25 + years later that you do go on. You never get over the loss of a parent. I'm still mourning my Mom & Dad. You do learn how to go on and deal with it. It may not seem like it right now, but there will be good days along with the bad ones. The good days and even good moments are what keeps you going.

You have healing and mourning to do. It's not easy. Trust me when I tell you there was nothing you could have done to save your Mom. None of this is your fault. She had a horrible disease. Some manage to get sober and stay that way. Others do not. I lost my beloved husband Tim in 2008. He didn't want this disease. Nor did your Mom. It wasn't my fault that he drank. Ironically this disease did not kill him. But it would have had he continued on this path.

All we can do to heal and forgive ourselves for not "saving" them and go on. I use to feel so much guilt thinking I could and should have done more. Tim would even tell me that none of this was my fault. At first I didn't believe him. With time and thanks to this program I know he was right.

Be gentle on yourself. Give yourself time to heal. Find some local meetings. You will be comforted by the face to face meetings. You are never alone in this journey of recovery. It's not too late. The beauty of recovery is that you can start and restart it whenever you want. I promise you, as one who has lost many loved ones in her life (don't be sad for me) that you do go on. You do love and live again. It just takes time. We're right here for you. Please keep coming back to us. Much love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.