The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I hope I'm not completely overstepping my posting boundaries here. Feel like I've been a posting demon the past week or so, but I guess this is my form of "sharing" outside of the rooms.
For that I am SOOOO grateful for this board and for all of the wonderful members :)
Last night, my exabf whom I am still living with at the moment, told me that he needed to back off. We had been conversating more, hugging often, playfully joking. Apparently this doesn't work for him and I am attempting to turn this over.
As much as it may hurt me, I really can't control what he feels, needs or what certain things trigger in him. After my last post and the responses on powerlessness - I am seeing that although LETTING GO and surrendering FEELS scary, it is in that paradox that makes the practicing of it harder than holding on.
To some degree, as I have been admitted here, I am still clawing at him for attention, affection, validation etc. It is TIME for me to look in the mirror for such things and to step up to the plate in terms of taking care of me, learning to love me and put ME first. I think I have to stop waiting for this to be an EASY thing.
Truth is - I'm not even sure what that would look like most times. All I know is what I'm told in these rooms - a CHANGE in ME is the answer to my problems. NOT a change in others.
So all I can do is ACCEPT this statement of his. A MILLION WHYS are floating in my brain - pressing me to compulsively question his motive - is there someone else? Is this because of something I did? Why? Why? Why?
Maybe the WHY is none of my business. Maybe practicing my program means constantly bringing the focus back to ME. And learning to be OK with that. Not self rejection so immediately. I often have the sense of some part of me rolling my eyes and groaning, "I have to focus on YOU again?!!" Learning to face this person with love and compassion. See them as an inner child perhaps and treat them gently and lovingly.
I like what Jerry said yesterday about needing to practice the new BEHAVIORS before the thinking aligns with it. So for TODAY, the new behavior is keeping the focus on myself. CONSTANTLY bringing the focus back to me, even if I have to drill down to the most basic sense of what I can do in this moment to keep the focus on me.
Wow! That last sentence is SO powerful and YES it is the way to work it and what it is all about - us getting to US for real. YOu said maybe you dont have to go to self rejection so immedialtely - you dont ever have to go (back) to self rejection. That was the problem in me, I was not self loving, I was abusive to myself and that old behavior is one I will never go back to ~ if I want to maintain the peace and serenity Ive discovered.
I too was told to stop asking the why's bc it is a waste of time AND it takes YOU away from YOU.
Being able to learn to accept tother people's choices and life as it comes, is a great blessing - I used to fight reality constantly and all it ever did was cause me tons of grief - that resistence causes pain & confusion.
This is a very powerful post and I am glad u are here sharing and working through this stuff... progress not perfection is what its all about and you are getting progress!
MYOB (mindmy own business) was a very powerful umbrella for me that I lumped everything else (that was not within my own hula hoop) in and it helped me tremendously as a reminder to get the focus back on me - the only one I can control or change. The rest of the time I was working to practise detachment from others, so I could have some emotional autonomy/freedom and space.
Way to work it!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
"Does the 'Why' of it all, really matter?" - in my opinion, the answer to this is 'NO!' when it applies to other people, places, things. All this does is keep us distracted from working on the one person we can change, ourselves.
You just keep on posting, hon. That's what we are here for. To listen, offer support and our own ESH and learn from your ESH.
You may not feel like you have any ESH, but you do. I see great strength in your posts, even through your pain.
Keep coming back, keep posting, keep working it. You may not feel like it, but you are making progress. And that's what it's all about - progress, not perfection.
I used to get so bogged down in the 'whys' of everything. My sponsor still reminds me from time to time that it's not the why that is important. It's 'what am I going to do about it to better myself'? ((((hugs))))
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I believe through the stages of life that we always have questions.. there's always that nagging WHY question in the back of our head.. especially in relationships.. I went through something similiar with my last ex.. who was a bipolar alcoholic.. it was a long-distance relationship and I hung onto it SO hard, and it ended when he literally left me in the cold.. I didn't understand how someone could say he loved me so much and do this to me. But in the end it was closure-I was downright obsessed. But during the process there was a LOT of anger and a LOT of why's, there was no magical day that i remember that it ended but i know i can talk to him now with a lot less anger, and finding the more i back off him the more comfortable and casual our talks are.
be gentle with yourself RunnerChick.. its not an easy process but it does get easier. Thanks for sharing.
My wise old sponsor used to remind me to focus on the "whats", and to NOT focus on the "whys", cuz the whys will eat you up inside.... If you're having trouble figuring out which is which, ask yourself the following question....
"If I knew the answer to why 'x' is happening, would it REALLY change anything?"
For me, I spent wayyyyyyy too many precious hours worrying about "why" my ex-AW was choosing alcohol over myself and the kids.... If the answer to that why was: a) chemical imbalance b) alcoholism c) cuz she felt like it or d) cuz the moon was out of alignment with Saturn - the bottom line was still the bottom line - the "what" of the situation is what she was or was not doing.....
Like most things in Al-Anon, it isn't a matter of whether or not we "should" worry about the whys, it's a matter of wasted energy, and tried & true practices and experience remind us that it is not necessarily energy well spent...
Hope that helps
tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
There is comfort from within knowing why. Understanding is a recovery indicator. It is most valuable when accompanied with acceptance. Without acceptance the only response to the answer of a why...is another why? Growing up was the greatest metaphor for me about "Whying??". One of my wise sponsors had persistent responses to me when I use to stay out of acceptance and kept asking Why!!.
One response was, "What are you going to do with the answer?" Others where similar to what others have given you here. He also would respond "I don't know let it go for a while and see if it matters later on." Let go of it...Let God have it for now and if you are mean't to know you will in HP's time. Patience began to figure into my program. This program works!!
(((((hugs)))))
Keep coming back and reaching out and asking questions and asking for feedback on your efforts...that is how it's done and that is what works.
