What to do with the pain of loss? - Al-Anon Family Group

jasobel · Veteran Member

What to do with the pain of loss?

kmarty · Member

The book opening our hearts transforming our losses might help you see where you are....its going to hurt for a while so meetings meetings and more meetings would be my suggestion. If I could I would avoid any contact with the A. My thoughts are H.P. has a better plan for you and you will draw closer to him. This is a grief process and the 5 stages of grieving are denial, ANGER, bargaining/manuplation, depression and acceptance. You can learn more by typing in 5 stages of grief on search.

Melissa21 · Senior Member

(((jasobel))))

I can relate. But I was the one to move out...so it's not the same place, but it's almost been about 8 months and some days are really hard for me still. We have a child together so I can't just cut off contact which at times I think would help..but I don't know. But I have chosen to cut off face to face contact with him for about 2 months and just last week I cut off email contacts. BUt that will only last so long soon we will go to court for visitation. Not communicating has really helped me a lot.

The book kmarty suggested is really good. I wish I would have gotten it much sooner. Reading it and just time helps me. And just keep going to alanon has helped me work on me to make my life better and to take the focus off him. I've been reading codependent books as well (no clue if you are codependent)...I also agree with kmarty HP has a better plan for you!! :)

Everytime I see myself thinking/worrying...about him I think about something else that has nothing to do with him that will make me happy.

Knowing he has a disease and that he more than likely wont treat this new women better than me helps also. Alcoholism is progressive.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It has been so many years since my ex really left, I can still feel that feeling when I read shares like yours.

Wish there was a time period for this mourning. It is like a death. Takes as long as it does.

I was fortunate I had a month off work. My life was very hard, I was homeless living in the one room at the end of my barn. cold, hungry and it is hard to be homeless with no bathroom,no shower.

Then the renters I rented my house to would not pay rent. Great.

I worked so hard to survive and to keep my sanctuary animals fed and cared for, so I exausted myself. This way I could just fall into bed asleep.

Everyone has their own way of healing. Naps help. I know taking care of the basics helps as if we keep our bodies as healthy as we can, then it is easier to heal. Sleep is major.

Doing your best each day, not thinking beyond that can help.

The point is it hurts. It is horrible.

For me my spirtual self needed to be fed. I really got closer and closer to my HP. That was the number one thing that healed me as best as I can be healed, and still is.

I can tell you too, for me, even now I sometimes hurt so bad. Not becuz of losing him anymore, but losing my mate, a person to live with.

Keep coming here and letting it out. hugs,debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

That is also a good subject to bring up in your face to face meetings and if you have a
sponsor with her too. Two of the many lessons I got, learned and practice on that
subject was to practice gratitude and celebrate the good stuff. When it was bad it was
very very bad and when it was good it was marvelous. (((((hugs)))) smile

kmarty · Member

One of the things the book opening our hearts really does a good job of is telling us HOW to take care of ourselves and how to treat ourselves...I think during these tough times that being around other program people really helps and that dont really mean just at meetings but to ask someone you really enjoy to go shopping or out for coffee or go fishing or take a road trip maybe to a differnt meeting out of town or whatever. Treat yourself well have some fun!!! biggrin

H.P. wants us to be happy!!

RunnerChick · Senior Member

I am going through the same thing and it is VERY, VERY hard. You are not alone. I must trust that this program knows a better way than I do at the moment and put my faith in that.

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Jasobel,

It has been almost 3 yrs since my AH of 20 yrs left. For me, the "other woman" factor, has been much more painful than the addictions, but the truth is, it is all the same. It has not been an easy road, that is for certain.

It really does get better, though I know that may sound impossible right now. It took quite a while before I realized that I was hanging onto what I wanted and thought should and could be, not what was, and that it could only happen if we both became people we were not. It took me even longer to realize that I never really was truly happy, and it was all skewed perception on my part.

I am at the point where I have let go of "him". He is sober and a much better father, but I look in his eyes and they look flat and sad, and I no longer see the potential of experiencing joy with him. At the same time, I am still not officially divorced and have been procrastinating on the final details.

What I have discovered is that my difficulty in truly letting go is very much rooted in my childhood losses. I have recently began working with a therapist who specializes in grief. Ouch!! It does hurt, and it is amazing to see the pattern and connection of my life experiences.

Feeling the feelings is the only way to move through it,. As painful as it is, I know it is a necessary step in my growth and recovery, and that I do not have the desire, strength or know-how to do it all alone.

A little side (hope) here... in my job I came into contact with a woman who was divorced after 34 years of marriage. After that, she met her "life partner", and was with him for 25. We don't know what is ahead of us, but I absolutely believe in my heart, that if we are willing to do the work and forge through the fear and the pain, we will be rewarded on the other side. Good things are in store.

Keep on keeping on. You will be okay.

Blessings,

Lou

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I can certainly relate a great deal. I missed the ex A terribly. I also know I found it very hard going to see the disease in the beginning.

While I was not in the same environment as the ex A and had all the reminders, I did find it helpful to distance myself from him. I also found it helpful to not know and keep at the not knowing. If I knew I would be off with that.

I highly recommend you read Getting them Sober. I think Toby Rice Drew can certainly help you feel better.

Maresie.

Festfan · Veteran Member

Jasobel
I can completely relate to your paid and what you are going through. While I am still "with" my ABF, I had a very painful breakup a few years ago. In that relationship we had lived together for 2 years and moved twice together - I thought we were getting married. He had even encouraged me to look at rings. And then, out of nowhere (I thought), he broke it off and moved out. There was (of course) another woman, who he actually married 6 weeks after leaving me. While he wasn't an A, he had many dysfunctional issues and as I look back on it, I was cultivating my codependence in that relationship.

The pain was excrutiating - and because I had not found this program or any other self-help/self-love, the recovery was long and sometimes not very successful. As I look back on it, if I had been working a program and had some good therapy, I would have emerged a healthier person. What did work for me on a day to day basis was to stay busy and to stay around people. I worked hard, reconnected with my sister and some friends that I hadn't had time or energy for when I was in the relationship b/c I was putting everything into HIM. I started doing things that I liked to do that I hadn't been doing and I found new interests too.

Doing things that you like and that are good for you will help you through this, but you are so far ahead of me because you have the program.

I'm thinking of you because I've been there and may be going there again with my current relationship - but we are all stronger together.

Peace,

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.