The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is *SO* hard doing this, even when we KNOW that it's what needs to be done.
I've had a lifetime of relationships with people who are just bossy and nosey, and whenever I'm around them I feel like the size of this period. And so far the only way I stop being around them is just running away with my tail between my legs. What is this fear of hurting their feelings? "Breaking up" with them even though it hurts me??
Sorry it's not working out Carol. Good for you for recognizing your feelings and being willing to do something different. Good for you for taking care of yourself. Thanks for sharing
I know for me personally the issue of fusing is huge. When I meet someone (and I don't "look" these days) if they want to spend an inordinate amount of time with me immediately I see a red flag. I know that was always my modus operandi before, spending a lot of time, all my time with the person. I know that if I personally do that I'm off on the fusion path.
I also think that romantic relationships are very difficult for me. A sponsor relationship and a friendship would not bring up the same issues. So I don't know that I can compare them. I do not expect to spend a great deal of time with a sponsor or a friend but something in me gravitates towards fusion with romance.
Aloha Carol...That word abandon always makes me knee jerk. You hear it so often in program with alcoholism. YUK!! however I understand. I read your post and thought about another local female in recovery who everytime she opens a share says in part, "....my only problem is me and my only solution is God." She helps me take full responsibility for my life and my recovery (same thing). Your girl friend might be your new focus of choice. Self focusing helps to improve all of my relationships. I give myself boundaries. (((((hugs)))))
I have learned that no one can make me feel less than unless I let them . People pleasing brings out the worst in me all the time . The only way I can relate to abandonment is when I apply it to myself I abandoned me when I once again became a camilion and stopped allowing myself to be myself. I have been able to continue friendships by simply allowing them to be who they are , accept that they have faults jsut like I do , and take care of myself . Keep the focus on yourself and no mater who your with your going to be okay . When we can accept ourselves just tthe way we are others do too .
I'm thinking along the lines of Abbyal. It doesn't sound like this friend did anything wrong. You stated that the problem was within you.
I found myself wanting her approval constantly.
I lost myself to her.
I thought she was "better than me".
I can't afford any more to let someone mess me up(?) like that.
Unless I'm misunderstanding "she" isn't messing you up, your own thoughts seem to be the culprit. Seems a shame to lose a friend because of your thoughts, especially since she's done nothing.
Would it be better to keep the friend while you work on you and your addictive thoughts? There's only one way I know of to help myself and that is to work it while working through it.
Keep coming back, Christy
-- Edited by Christy on Tuesday 12th of January 2010 03:09:42 AM
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
wouldnt it be better to keep yourself safe for a while and distance yourself if feeling overwhelmed? not a matter of right and wrong. about feelings. period.
