The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This weekend I got very sick. Exabf and I still live together. I am looking for a place, but we have agreed to remain in the house and save money until the Bank informs us as to when we need to vacate. Our previous landlord had the property foreclosed upon and now the bank is the owner. It was a huge mess and we are waiting on the next step from the bank.
We talk now. Saturday night I went out to dinner and proceeded to get sick later that night after coming home. He was there for me, got me water, asking if I was ok, etc. I felt vulnerable when I was ill and allowed him to be there for me. I am TRYING so very hard to monitor my expectations. I do love this man and I did want to marry him, but he has been very clear that he need to work on himself. I still fear that I may be setting myself up for another bomb to be dropped on me OR that I am subconciously expecting him to "Take care of me" emotionally. I can't help but wonder that IF and WHEN he pulls away again or starts dating someone else OR decides he can't speak with me - will I fall apart again? Have I allowed this bit of attention to fill the empty space again?
I am trying to be REAL with myself. Remind myself I am responsible for my own happiness. I guess I am scared and confused.
I t also just occured to me how sad it really all is. I have found myself at times trying to convince him out of ending our relationship. This brings me alot of shame - to admit this, but I need to get that out.
Today I found myself filled with dread of him meeting another person and me remaining the reject. Have I forced this man to love me for this years?
You can't control if he loves you or not, so I don't think you forced him to love you at all. What it sounds like to me is that you're having problems loving yourself right now.
He might meet someone else. What you gonna do? The fact is that we have no control over any actions of other people, no matter how much we love them. YOU could meet someone else.
Then what?
Expectations are a doozy for me to endure. I find myself constantly yearning for more attention, more of this or that. Sometimes I think we can't connect because he has problems with pot, alcohol and porn. I think What Am I Even Doing With A Man Like This?
I am not up for it, some days. And other days, it all seems worth it and I'm handsomely rewarded for loving him. I can't say how or why it changes, but it does.
Goes with the wind, I guess.
Let him care for you, and let there be peace and harmony in your heart and in your home. You're breaking up from a romantic entanglement. It needs to happen. Go with the flow.
