Finally had the "talk" with ABF... - Al-Anon Family Group

Festfan · Veteran Member

Finally had the "talk" with ABF...

intothewoods · Veteran Member

Kudos to you for sticking to your boundaries! :)

CJ · ~*Service Worker*~

festfan,

i really don't know a whole lot about your situation, but i did want to comment on how important it is to listen to YOUR gut feelings. your decisions are totally your decisions, and only you know what is best for you.

i wanted to put out that reminder for a few reasons.

- when i (and many of my friends) saw the sickness in my partner, i was already too deep to figure out what was real and what was true. i allowed myself to be manipulated by my alcoholic wife. i wanted to believe that things would change, so i did believe it when she said just that. i was enmeshed. no matter how much i loved her (and love her still, in my way), and knowing the true reality of living with an alcoholic, i would never have gone forward -- at least, without having her be clean and sober for a vast length of time (years rather than months)

- there is so much sadness, madness, chaos, and dysfunction, that my persona even with the alanon program, would have sunk. "living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us" -- from our group meeting introduction... and it is true.

- when is an alcoholic lying or manipulating -- whenever you see their lips moving... that seems harsh, but it is not that they aren't worthy of loving, or that they can't tell the truth. i believe they can, but i could not ever tell the difference. perhaps you can.

-if i would have been in alanon prior to getting married, and learned what i have learned, i would have stayed single AND WORKED ON MYSELF UNTIL I REALIZED WHY I AM ATTRACTED TO ADDICTIVE PERSONALITIES. then, perhaps, i could meet a nice girl from a loving childhood, who could understand my issues and have healthy boundaries, and stay nice and loving, without trying to fix me, and me not trying to fix her, etc etc...

anyway, kudos to you for having boundaries, at least for today. there is NO wrong answers and choices, only the answers and choices you make or don't make.

please, take what you like and leave the rest

with love in understanding

cj

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Fest good share good decisions.

The esh I wanted to say was for me I learned not to expect anything would turn out a certain way.

Meaning if I call on him when he drives drunk, he will get caught and people will be safe. The police did not even try. He had his big truck and ran over the top of a little car...

Have him leave becuz he was so drunk and hid my gun. Called police, he leaves but goes to a womans place.

We never know when our boundaries will have another choose to do something we never thought of, and may hurt us.

My esh. that things don't always do the way we think they will. hugs,deb

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Fest.....good work!

One boundry that works for me is I no longer enter into a dialogue about drink. As love it when they can talk about it, bargain about it, blame about it etc etc......theyre As theyre obsessed, thats what they do.

Now if my Ason starts on about it I remind him Im happy to talk to him but will hang up if all he wants to talk about is his disease. Its working for me. Ive had it with drink....hate this disease.

Keep coming back.

(((((hugs)))) Ness

cdngirl · Veteran Member

{{hugs}} Fest, good for you.

Had to laugh about his comment about deciding not to drink and being the DD. Boy have I heard that one too! Both times he ended up drunker than ever.

wyola · Member

just sent you a message wondering if you guys talked! I've kept my boundaries too. Mine is really respecting them and i think he's happy that he knows I won't budge. we'll see how long they last, huh!!!

it seems so hard at this point to actually think he might change and then to really acknowledge that they will most likely mess up again. i'm scared that if he does change and slips up a little i won't have the patience to know that a little mess up is ok.

Festfan · Veteran Member

Thanks everyone for the support, comments and ESH!

Today's been a bad day. I really let myself get upset that he was mad at me for not going to see him last night (on my birthday). I can see how sick that is - I feel sorry that he is mad at MY BIRTHDAY CHOICES!! I am apologizing for doing what I want to do! But, I've still let it consume me today - pull me into a depression that is effecting my work and my mental health. But, I am proud of myself for not caving last night and going over there to appease him.

I feel myself idealizing the "what if" scenarios - especially about this charity work function that I have this week. I just got the confirmation that I have an invite and have to go because a key client is going to be there. In past years I have been so excited to go - but this year it is full of angst - I really wanted to have a great "date" - wanted my BF to be there with me - all fancy in a tux and to celebrate afterward. I've even thought today - "maybe he can do it. maybe he can not drink for one night - for me..." but I know better. So now I have to find someone else to go with or go "solo". So - I am feeling sorry for myself and avoiding other responsibiilties. ARRRGGHH.

Trying to find Peace today...

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

They've been avoiding reality and we've been avoiding reality too. It helped me to think, "My choices, my results." Then it felt less like it couldn't be changed. Of course it doesn't change as long as we're working hard to deny it. That's why I think your recognizing that your A won't behave well at your event is so hopeful. "Nothing changes if nothing changes." But you're changing!

Festfan · Veteran Member

Thanks Mattie for the encouraging words. I really know that not taking him to the event is the right answer and a good change - but my emotional reaction today - both to the conversation yesterday and his current "mood" are reminding me that I am still very "IN" it. I hate that my emotional health is tied into how someone else treats me - and thinking about it makes me feel worse. But, tomorrow is another day. I will spend today reading posts and committing to sticking with my decisions.

Peace,

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I also have that inclination to keep putting my hand back on that hot stove -- "I bet it's not hot any more -- ouch! Ouch!" In a way I think part of that tendency is good. You recognize that a healthy partner wouldbe able to go to that event with you. You don't accept that you should have to be unable to take your partner for fear of how he would behave. But your boyfriend is not that healthy partner, at least not at this period in his life. I fought against that realization for so long. Some days it's easier than others.

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