Limbo - Al-Anon Family Group

intothewoods · Veteran Member

Limbo

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It was only a month between the time I had decided for good and the time I knew he'd have to leave, so my situation wasn't as challenging as yours. We were spending the summer living in another country, where I used to live, and telling him to leave would have caused all kinds of logistical nightmares, so I decided to wait to tell him until we were back in the States. I did have one especially horrible day, where we went to a playground with our son (who was two), and our son was having the most fabulous time, and laughing and playing with other kids, and it was one of those ideal family times you dream about, with us sitting on benches watching our son, and I was feeling heartbroken at breaking up the family. And then ... my AH made a lame excuse about something he had to go do ("I'm just going to, um, see if they sell newspapers around the corner...") And he nipped away for 45 minutes and came back the worse for wear (without a newspaper). So much for my idyllic family day. That woke me up out of my fantasy.

So that was how I got through it -- he continued to show me that he was going to continue to drink and was going to continue to make bad choices. So I just concentrated as much as I could on my own life. And I just kept watching him and his bad choices. I think you're right on target about your A's decisions. My guess is that part of him thinks, "Yeah, okay, I'll do some work on quitting, but it's not like it's urgent or anything." And the other half isn't thinking at all.

Remember that most of them never stop, no matter what the consequences.

The day my A finally did move out, I went into a panic, even though I had been sure before. I thought, "Can this really be what I want? I'm breaking up our family! I'm tearing it all apart! What have I done?" I phoned some friends and they talked me down, reminding me of all the terrible things drinking had done the relationship. I saw that I was just panicking at change. But it's good change. Nothing my A has ever done since has convinced me that I made a bad decision. On the contrary, his decisions have gotten worse and worse (alcoholism is progressive), and I'm very glad I got out before I got pulled even further into the insanity and misery. So be prepared for a few moments of panic. I think they're not about the rightness of the decision.

Six months is quite a while. I guess in your shoes I'd be wondering if I could get another place to live between now and then. Even if you don't want to make a complete break yet, that would give you some sanity room.

Hugs to you.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

That you're attending the Family Groups meeting on Wednesday is the best you can do
with what you have. The room will be filled hopefully with Experiences Strengths and
Hope that will intice you to "self" focus and help you learn a bit of detachment from
trying to ride him while at the same time the disease is riding you both. Oh yes it's
got both of you at the same time...that is what it does and does so very well. It wants
to take both of you down if it can. Go to your meeting for you and turn him over to
a power greater than yourself. Good for you and keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

cdngirl · Veteran Member

I am in a very similar limbo as you at the moment. I have decided to leave, as I have discovered my boundary that I cannot be with him as long as he is drinking. However, we have a house that we need to sell before either of us can afford an apartment. So we are both in the house still. Since we decided to separate (and since I have told him that I cannot be with him while he is drinking) he has been to one AA meeting, and has told me that he is quitting and even woke up yesterday morning and said this was Day 1 of being alcohol free.

The old me would have been elated that he was finally waking up, that this was it, he was done with drinking and was committed to saving our marriage. The new al-anon me, has no expectations. He has done this before, promised the same things, been to AA meetings and addiction counsellors before and still managed to convince himself that he was not truly an alcoholic and could control his drinking. So, I cannot believe his promises this time (otherwise, I'd be insane - doing the same thing expecting different results). So I am still prepared to walk away, and in fact I only hope that he does follow through and do AA for his own health and well being, not to fix our marriage. I am not going to check up on him, make sure he is not drinking, or engage in anything regarding his alleged recovery. If he wants to do it, he will do it, if he doesn't, he doesn't. Regardless, I am preparing myself for my Plan B.

I wish you all the best. 6 months is a long time to be in limbo - if you have any other options, I would really look into them. I am doing the same. {{hugs}}

idontknow · Veteran Member

Thanks for sharing intothewoods.

I love that word limbo.. I have been here for years. I'm in a "relationship" with someone who makes absolutely no effort and every day is complete misery. I can't even make the deicsion to make the decision to leave. I know I *want* to--but I guess I'm too angry/scared to actually DO something about it. All they care about is themselves--and i guess that's where i agree because i care very little about myself too. Even though I get hurt daily, in limbo i stay....

i hope we find our way.... thanks intothewoods.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Sadly an addict cannot change just because we give them an ultimatum. I got confused in a way when I read your share.

Is this a boundary, or it is an ultimatum?

Was this boundary made hoping he would change? A person watching and waiting for him to "get" it sounds like an ultimatum.
He has six months.... ultimatum
To me in my esh, it is like saying to a cancer patient, if you don't go into remission in six months I am leaving.

My ex told me once an ultimatum makes it worse.

He cannot quit using because we are sick of it, it has to be when they are sick of it enough to quit for themselves.

Wanting to stop is not enough. They will choose their addiction over us anytime. But they may choose recovery for themselves.

Him not drinking did not mean anything. It is only a symptom of his disease. Think of it like a chocolate chip cookie, take away the chocolate chips and it is still a cookie.

Addiction is a world more than the drug or drugs.

We can look at things in many ways.

For me, myself, I treasured the time I had with my exAH. Using or not. I had no control over his disease. All I knew was I loved him. Detached from the disease and loved him.

Over time the disease got so bad I was not safe living with him.

How can one, "get it together" when they have a disease? This is not a choice he has. It is not like picking yourself up from your foot straps. That is like telling a person in depression to snap out of it.

Does not work that way.It is our choice to decide if we can live with an addict using or not. We cannot expect them to change.

For me I had to love ex unconditionally,and I did. His disease was that, his.

Al Anon taught me all this. Ex taught me even more, literature, experience taught me his disease is like his toes, it is part of him. I learned to love him just as he was. I am sure he would still be here had he not been so damaged from the brain surgery. i believe it would have turned into more of a friendship. That would have been ok.

But not everyone wants that.Everybodies situation is different.

Maybe if you can go on with your life, day at a time, not getting six months ahead, you may feel better.

If you choose to you could start packing, look at your options as to where you may want to go. Sometimes planning and looking into things for US makes us feel more empowered.

As far as his doctor, counselor or whatever, we don't know what made him do it, or not do it. It is his disease.

So we focus on you. Do what you want for you. What you can do for you. ONE day at a time.

hugs,debilyn

Festfan · Veteran Member

I think that you have some good ideas - it must be so hard to separate yourself from the spiral when you are in the same living quarters! I don't live with my BF and have only started to try and define some boundaries and I agree - its very confusing trying to communicate a boundary vs. rules/ultimatums. I am still learning, but my goal is to try to reduce my exposure to the behavior that makes me crazy. Keep focusing on you and your needs. Good luck and keep posting!

Peace,

suzydawn · Member

I feel for you in this situation. I work in behavioral health which includes addictions and my AH husband's actions still boggle my mind! I met my AH while he was sober and against my better judgement decided to place my "pre-conceived" ideas of alcoholism aside and became involved with him. What I didn't realize was that he was sober because he was taking court ordered antabuse and only attending meetings because of the courts. We continued a relationship for three yrs before he started drinking again but he started drinking again as soon as he was released from court ordered chemical restraint/meetings. He started drinking again the same month I became pregnant (at age 40yrs!). We moved in together two months after our son was born and believe me I made all kinds of ultimatums during this time even knowing the rules of this "disease". He made promises but then was found to be simply lying and hiding his drinking (binge drinking on the weekends only but has 5 DUIs). But it's important to remember that addictive thinking is so much more than drinking or using. I made the decision to leave this man in Oct. a few yrs ago but didn't have my housing ready until Feb. During this time he totally changed and made so many great and sincere sounding promises. He stopped drinking, started private counseling and a 12 step group. His talk was always positive, he began communicating for the first time and was attentive. With all of these positive changes despite now having moved out of a house we had bought together and bought another house on my own and knowing deep inside it was too early . . . I married him that following September. He stopped meetings and counseling immediately stating that he no longer needed them and by Thanskgiving he began returning to his old behaviors. It's been a hard lesson for me to learn but I think if you live with someone with alcoholism you have to do so without the expectation they will quit someday.

Abstinence from alcohol is the first requirement for sobriety but it's only the beginning. I've heard this called a "disease" many times. The chief psychiatrist I work with and whom I tend to agree with believes that while this may be a disease in the sense of both compulsion and sensitivity to alcohol it is still within a person's control to make the decision to make a different choice . . . the alcoholic can choose to get help . . . recovery is possible but it is work. I also believe that labeling a person as an alcoholic and excusing behavior with "they have a disease" makes it easier to the person with alcoholism to continue to live in denial. Unfortunately, there is no effective way to intervene for someone with addictive behavior . . . at least not for long term success. So, success can only come if the person struggling with alcohol starts with the removal of denial and only he can do this. Simply put he has to choose this for himself. If you are interested in learning more about addiction a few of my favorite books are Addictive thinking by Abraham J Twerski and The craving Brain by Ronald Ruden, M.D.

Also, I have found a great new site to find positive and uplifting resources for myself . . . healyourlife.com Just wondering, what program will you be graduating from in May?

intothewoods · Veteran Member

Thanks for all the ESH, everybody!

I realize that I did give him an ultimatum. I was expecting he'd change (while secretly hoping he wouldn't so I could leave). And that was not helpful, I see that now. I think, ultimately, this ultimatum was my way of saying (to him and to myself), "I can't live like this anymore." Also, I'm trying to find the positive in that this ultimatum has brought me back to the program, and I have the chance to really work the program for at least 6 months while I continue to live with him. That in itself is a blessing.

Also, I was talking with a good friend (with whom I might move in after I leave) about my options, and I realized that yes, I do have options.
1) I could just leave, last semester of school be damned. I am truly blessed to have friends and family that would take me in no matter what. So many women don't have this and I shouldn't take it for granted.
2) I could find my own place and finish out school. This would be expensive and stressful, but I could do it.
Both of these things would be hard, and both of these things are not what I want to do for several reasons, SO what I realized is that staying with him while I work MY program is my choice, and I need to honor that choice, not whine about it.

suzydawn:
I'm finishing up a Bachelor's in English, minor in writing. I'm old to be finishing a bachelors. I want to be a writing professor. It's at a state college, so to transfer with only one semester left is really problematic. I am going to be applying to graduate schools in different towns so that I have one more reason to get away from him.

Also, I'm taking a publishing internship this semester, and I'm hoping to work with my local women's shelter about publishing an anonymous collection of poetry and/or fiction written by them. Really looking forward to giving back!

suzydawn · Member

Way to go! I left a horrible, abusive husband while I still had a year to go in nursing school. I don't think there was even one moment in that year that I wasn't either studying, going to school or going to work but I'm so glad I took the leap. Your plans sound awesome . . . best wishes to you :)

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